Now I want to talk about Jo's post - skewed expectations.

http://www.obesityhelp.com/forums/vsg/4466027/Stolen-from-main-forum-important-read-skewed-expectations/

This was such a great topic I didn't want it to end, but it scrolls out pretty quick.  I've posted the link back to the post, plus I'm including the original poster's list of the skewed expectations.

When we talked about expectations in my earlier thread, I noticed we talked more about our expectations for life at a more normal weight.  As somebody who thinks a lot about my relationship with food (okay, maybe too much), most of my expectations had to do with that.

I can say that WLS has not changed my relationship with food dramatically, beyond being satisfied with less.  I can still feel my addictive desires and hard-wired compulsive responses.  You guys??  I have not lost enough weight to have my "thin" expectations met or not!

Here's the list:

1. I will not get hungry after WLS. 
2. I will feel truly satiated and satisfied forever with just a few hundred calories per day. 
3. I will lose x amount of weight by y date.
4. I should see x amount of weight loss within just a few days or a week of surgery.
5. The scale will ALWAYS go down all the way to my magic goal number. If it does not go down every time I step on the scale, something is wrong. If it goes UP, something is tragically wrong. 
6. I will be able to successfully adhere to the kind of rigid diet and exercise program FOREVER after WLS to which I could never adhere before WLS. 
7. Losing the weight will solve *insert non obesity related problem here*. 
8. I will have an immediately fulfilled and joyous social life if I just lose the weight. 
9. Losing the weight will save my marriage. 
10. XYZ number of pounds are GONE FOREVER. I will NEVER EVER be fat again.
http://www.obesityhelp.com/forums/amos/4465878/Lets-talk-abo ut-skewed-or-unrealistic-expectations-Vets-of/

Thanks for re-posting.  This is good stuff.  

I can totally relate to you on still having feelings of compulsion and obsession with food.  I'm in counseling for this because the Sleeve is only a stomach surgery, not a mental surgery.  Hmm... maybe I should have gotten the head surgery right away.  OK, kidding.  The mental stuff is mine to work through.

I have had short bursts of some of these skewed expectations, but when it comes right down to it, I know that WLS doesn't promise any of those things.  It's still my job to work my sleeve, and even if I do, I realize that I may not make all my goals.  And each day I get closer and closer to being ok with that.

We just gotta keep on keepin' on.

One I've heard a number of times is "I've lost all this weight and I'm still not happy" as if the weight loss would somehow in and of itself magically lead to happiness.

I will say my weight loss has made it easier for me to do some of the things that make me happy - in other words, it has removed a few OBSTACLES to happiness - but other than short term thrills at hitting milestones it hasn't made me happy itself. If you're depressed pre-op, for example, the depression is probably going to need to be treated on its own for you to feel better.

Weightloss will destroy/save my marriage. Nope. If your marriage is strong weight loss will not destroy it. If it's bad, weightloss will not save it.

When we're obese, I think we tend to give the weight more power than it has just because it looms so large in our focus on ourselves and our lives.

 Oh god how I hate the "I will be happy when I am skinny" line of thought, chances are if you where unhappy before you will be unhappy AFTER. Losing weight will also not save your marriage, if your husband was a dick when you where overweight, chance are he will STILL BE A DICK when you are skinny. /rant. 

Ok, I feel better. LOL

I think that sometimes we mistake our new found feeling of confidence which leads to more self esteem and how people react to us with the number on the scale.  I believe that when we do something we are proud of and we feel better about how we look we act differently. We feel a joy that we then associate weight loss as the cause.   I think its more like a domino effect.   Another thing is, if we have disfunctional relationships when we are obese those relationships will not magically fix themselves. We have work to do that is more than just diet and excercize to make our lives better.  People react differently to a person who is confident and smiling and looks like they are comfortable in their own skin than people who do not.

I read your threads and the link you posted to the skewed expectations.. Well... for someone like me who is more or less one foot on the operating table, how do I reconcile everything that WLS will NOT do for me (or me do for me with the help of the tool of the WLS) and the overwhelmingly frequent statements that it has been the best thing that many people have done for themselves.

How is it the best thing that you've ever done for yourself if it (or you with it as the tool) did not meet the expectations set out?

If some of the expectations listed are skewed or unrealistic then what are some of the REALISTIC ones? What can we really expect?

I mean seriously... if I can't expect to get off the blood pressure and diabetes train and if I still have to struggle all my life with a restrictive low cal diet and have to exercise and and and then how is life with the WLS different to what I have now??

Help me get that other foot onto the operating table. I know intuitively that this is the right way to go but let's see some pots of gold at the end of those ticker rainbows!!!!

It is the best thing that many of us have ever done for ourselves because:

It drastically improves our health in most cases - either by removing co-morbidities like diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, sleep apnea, etc - or allowing us to be mobile in ways we weren't before.

Many of us (but not all) do end up feeling more self-confident because we were so ashamed of how we looked morbidly obese that we hung back and kind of hid out emotionally.

What WLS CAN do is open up potential. As I mentioned in an earlier post, it won't make me happy, but it has removed obstacles to doing certain things that do contribute to happiness: being active, engaging in fun stuff with my family, not being tired and in pain all the time and wishing I could sit down. But I have to choose to do these things, weight loss surgery doesn't magically make me happy.

The problem is that folks who are truly depressed prior to weight loss surgery will find that this doesn't go away and may not engage in the potential that their WLS opens up. Folks who coped with all of life's ups and downs through food will find themselves lost and without their anchor.

That's why I so often suggest therapy to WLS patients - it helped me a lot in making adjustments in my relationship with food, but also in my outlook on the potential of my life. Folks with underlying depression should also treat that and not assume the WLS will make it go away. I've seen two posts from folks whose surgeons have taken them off their antidepressants because now that they've had the surgery they won't need them. What??

it must be confusing for you to read this pre-op, let me try and address some of it.

first, foremost, and most importantly- the 1 thing that weight loss surgery WILL do is improve the physcial/medical quality of life. It will most likely rid you of high blood pressure and diabetes, and will extend your life versus what it would be if you stayed morbidly obese. This it WILL do.

Surgery WILL NOT cure a food addiction or a negative self image. Surgery is the physical. To fix the habits and mental you shoulkd couple surgery with therapy to address these things.

Will it make you unable to eat a ton at a time? Yes. Will it make you crave sweets alot less? Probably. Will it help you get a handle on your bad eating habits. Probably. BUT you must work on yourself to achieve the greatest degree of success.

What we are saying is surgery does not cure every problem in your life. It cures many of the medical ones. But if you are unhappy in your life you will still need to work on yourself to be where you want to be.

I can tell you, the cliche, that this surgery has helped to give me my life back. I can be active, my back/knee/foot pain is gone, i enjoy going out, i can fit in normal clothes, i love the way I look, im not addicted to food and carbs and rice and pasta and sweets anymore...but I have also worked with a counselor to make the most of these changes and be in a mental mind frame to accept them.

GREAT POST!!

I am *thrilled* I had surgery!!  I am only 10 weeks out, but here's what it has done for me so far:

1.  I am satisfied with less food, so I can follow a food plan much more easily.  I still have to have a food plan.
2.  I feel hopeful that because I have reduced capacity, I cannot go as far off the reservation when I "fall off the wagon." 
3.  I have lost 47 pounds (including 10 pounds before surgery).

I did not have any official co-morbidities, but I have definitely seen improved energy, reduced joint pain and increased self-confidence.

What I have learned, though, is that surgery doesn't not negate the need for a lot of hard work.  It just makes hard work actually successful!  I know, for me, that I will have to still do what I need to do to take care of my food issues, and that I'm not going to turn into a "normal eater" just because I have a tiny tummy now.

It's a process and you are at the beginning. You don't have to have all of this worked out RIGHT NOW.

IMO, what the Sleeve has done for me is put those thoughts that I need to work through in the front of my mind where I can deal with them and stop ignoring them. I get head hunger, instead of running for food, I analyze my water intake and make sure I've gotten it all in. My head craves sweets, so I give it a protein shake and think "take that head hunger!"

Here's the thing, the Sleeve is a tool. I know you've read that a thousands times on here, but here's what that means to me. The Sleeve is ALWAYS there if you are willing to use it and not allow you head to determine your hunger. It's a tool that was there for me during my first post-surgery trip to my grandma's funeral. Over that weekend there was crap food galore. **** the Shriners had a massive cake and plates of cookies for the reception. I lost 3 lbs over that weekend because I listened to my Sleeve and not my brain. I didn't even have a crumb of cake and that's a first for me.

My best friend has had her Sleeve for 15 months and she's at goal (actually she's under goal now). It took her longer because about 4 mos after surgery she had to put her dying mom and her grandmother into a nursing home. She then quit her job and flew out to Cali at least once a month for about 10 days - hotels and eating out. She did this for about 10 months. She said she couldn't imagine how much weight she would've gained if she didn't have the Sleeve. The week her mom died, my friend lost 8 lbs and made her goal.

THAT'S what the Sleeve gives you. Yes, you will have to work out and diet, but maintenance diet is not 600-800 calories, it's more like 1200-1800 calories depending on where you fall. The diet isn't crazy like all of the fad diets I've tried. It's normal food.

The Sleeve makes you think about yourself and your food - something most of us fatties don't do. We think about everyone else's needs first.