I saw myself today.

The meeting on Thursday night was on Psychological Effects and Changes After Surgery. There were many good points and questions brought up and I feel better having been able to talk about them. My point being, one of the topics was body image. I've always been a large woman. In high school, I was always "the fat one." I was 260 lbs when I graduated in 1992. I was a little over 300 lbs when I met my husband in 1999 and got up to 405 lbs on the day our daughter was born in 2004. This surgery was really a last ditch effort to save my own life. I needed these food restrictions and monthly support to keep me on track. I had my surgery on August 15, 2005. My surgeon has my surgery weight as 379 lbs, but I count the 405 lbs as to me, having lost from my highest should count. As of today, May 6, 2006, I'm down to 248 lbs. That's a loss of 131 lbs from my surgery weight and 157 lbs from my highest. That's a whole human, plus some. They asked the question as to do you see yourself as the weight you are. I've always said Yes because everyone has always reminded me of how fat I was, so I always saw myself as 400 lbs and rising. I saw myself as a blimp who couldn't ride on planes or amusement park rides, who broke chairs and toilet seats, who needed an extender on her seatbelt in the car. I knew I was fat and was seriously ashamed. Today, my husband and I went grocery shopping. A very petite lady walked in ahead of me and as the door closed behind her, I saw my own reflection in the glass and I honestly thought to myself, "Wow, I HAVE lost a lot of weight." My husband laughed because he knows the issues I've had with my body image. He said, "Finally, you can see yourself like I see you." I wanted to cry but I didn't. I just laughed and went on in, with my head held high. I even filled out an online questionnaire and was surprised that I'm almost into their "average" body size category. Even now, I'm still amazed. Today, I saw myself. Tonya 405/379/248/180 (high/surgery/current/high) 5'5"

Tonya, You know, self image is so important. Mine is as a very low point, but I hope to join the ranks of "losers" within a few months. Reading messages like yours is very inspiring to those of us at the beginning of our journeys. Keep up the posts. I don't respond much, but I read every one. Love, Jenn

Congratulations, Tonya! It is a big deal to truly be able to see yourself as if you were looking through someone else's eyes. Hugs, Kathy

Good for you Tonya! I still struggle with body image issues too! I still think of myself as the fat one... but it's so nice to fit into the small seats when inside I still fear I won't. Good work girl!!! Love, Wanda

Hiya Tonya, Thank you SO much for sharing this. Self image has been a problem for me for some time and I am finally coming to the realization that I am looking and feeling much better than in years past. I'm happy for you and excited that you saw YOU today! Keep that head high! You've done wonderfully! Kat

Thanks for sharing Tonya. I struggle w/ this. People tell me I look great but I see me naked. I know I feel better. Still struggle w/ some knee and foot pain. Not nearly as much as I used too. I still have dread of doing things that I developed over the last few years. Need others to motivate me. I have been exercising. I started at it later than I wanted too. I fell good when I am all fixed up but bumming it keeps in that old mentality. I catch glimpses of myself too and cant believe it is me sometimes. I have lost the weight before but seem my shape and everything is different this time. 9 more years of damage and more inactivity for myself. I am getting there. Need to do more for me. Feel like when I get a tan it will be better too. Shannon

Tonya....Congrats on your special moment and thanks for sharing such a personal thing with all of us. I recently found a pamphlet about self image that offeres a mini program through two books and an audio CD. I will see if I can find it and if I can I will send out the number for all who might like to look into this. I am pre op and honestly feel that this might be an issue for me as well. I have been large all my life and like some of the things you mentioned above I too have experienced and still do. Above all the shame. It is horrible. I give you KUDO'S. CHIN UP! Hugs! Shele

Your words ring true to my thoughts. I also have the same problems with still thinking I am the fat person I used to be. I guess not only do we have to work out daily with exercising our bodies, but - I guess we need to start daily exercising our mental image of ourselves! I just think sometimes that everyone is looking at me and saying "look there goes fatty". I am constantly asking my husband to pick someone out of a crowd that would be about my size right now - so I can judge what I might look like to others. The ones he picks are diffinetly not the ladies I would say that I am the same size as. They always seem too "normal" Well, another thing to add to the list of changes! Tracy 305/281/211/150 highest/surgery/current/goal

Tonya, Its good that you're able to "see youself". I'm still having issues with that. I don't recognize myself in reflections and pictures of me I still see my face as being fat. Its a lot harder to get use to than I had expected; but I guess I'll get there soon enough. Congrats on your progress thus far and keep up the good work! Keith 310/186/???