Reflections and Revelations (long)

Here I am, nearing the 6 month mark for my surgery. I have four weeks left until my appt with my surgeon to check on my progress. This has caused me to look back over myself and everything that I've done and gone through for the past year or so and I've had a few revelations that boggle my mind. 1. Before surgery, I could put away a large stuffed crust pizza from Pizza Hut, a 2 ltr of soda, and an order of cinnamon sticks in two hours or less, depending on what I was doing at the time. *After surgery, I can't stomach more than half a slice of pizza before I become full. This leads to the revelation that the surgery worked. On my stomach. 2. Before surgery, I hated salads and only wanted sweets and chips and could spend $20 in a convenience store for a 20 minute trip across town. *After surgery, I do have sugar free hard candies in my fridge, but I eat no more than 3 a day (one of which I half with my toddler) and I have microwave pork rinds instead of chips, but I no longer spend money for the crap that I used to. This leads to the revelation that the surgery worked on my taste buds. 3. Before surgery, I was wearing a size 6x in shirts and pants and felt absolutely miserable all the time with back problems, diabetes, high blood pressure, etc. *After surgery, I'm now in a size 24 jeans (yay!), 2x top and no more diabetes, high blood pressure, etc. I still have minor back issues, but I still have 100+ lbs to come off. This leads to the revelation that the surgery worked on my body. 4. Before surgery, I rarely went out and cried any time I had to leave the house without my husband to protect me from "mean" people. *After surgery, as we're down to one vehicle, I ask for time with the car and go out shopping alone and smile at people and talk to strangers (dangerous, right? LOL), etc. This leads to the revelation that the surgery worked on my self-image. 5. Before surgery, I refused to get on a scale because I was afraid to see if the numbers had hit 400 yet. I hated buying new clothes because "nothing" would fit me. *After surgery, I'm a slave to my scale, climbing on at least once a day if it's good to me, and at least 4 times a day if it's not. This leads to the revelation that the surgery worked on my paranoia (just in a different way, lol). 6. Before surgery, I ate junk food and fast food and craved more. *After surgery, I can't stand the thought of McDonald's (gag) and even going to Wendy's, all I ever get is the chili. This leads to the revelation that the surgery worked on my eating habits. There is no number 7 because that would be my Way of Thinking. Surgery couldn't help that because that's something I have to change on my own and it hasn't been easy. I still have the mindset that if it doesn't taste good or look appetizing, my throat shuts down and I can't swallow it. I still have the mindset that I should be able to eat like everyone else, that I should be able to do what everyone else does. And this gets me into trouble. Over Christmas/New Year holidays, I had a crappy time (previous post) and while I lost a few pounds at my SIL's house because there was nothing for me to eat at all, as soon as we got home, I started stuffing myself (not as full, but with the same gusto) as I used to when I got stressed out before surgery. And yes, I stopped losing and actually gained 5 lbs back. Gasp! Well, I got a handle on it before it got too out of hand and that 5 lbs is coming off again, but I've discovered I'm tired of this restricted diet. I'm tired of always having to eat meat first or stay away from the ice cream or decline the cake. But all in all, this leads to the biggest revelation of all: If I had it all to do over again, would I still have the surgery? Oh yeah! I take my daughter to play in the park all the time now. We dance in the living room at night. We can sit in the same recliner with her sitting beside not on top of me. My husband is so much more attentive, etc. I would go through hell for this time of happiness, of feeling like I'm becoming "normal." Even if it's all an illusion and I never get to my goal, I"ll have had this wonderful time and I won't regret it. But I do need friends. Someone who can understand that I may be manic depressive. That there are days when I'm all happy and ready to chat and others where I don't want to have anything to do with the world, I don't want to talk or email or even be happy for anyone else. The only person I've found like that so far is my husband, but I'd like others to talk to. With love, Tonya Brown 405/379/282/180 (highest/surgery/current/goal) -123 lbs since July 2005

Tonya . Thank you for sharing this . I am sure that others reading this will agree .. it is hard work .. and you are in reading this now finding how to keep yourself accountable for your choices . And I see that you do know this is a tool . Tonya . So many of us need support .. and in your journey with WLS you do need it .. There are so many things you can learn about yourself .. and when you do post like this it helps others . Please know that we are here for you .. and support you .. this is not an easy task we have .. WLS surgery is no joke .. and it is for life ! You are doing Excellent .. just keep reminding yourself that you deserve to regain your life .. and that the fight is worth it . IT WILL SAVE YOUR LIFE .. ! Many hugs to you .. and I am here for you .. Natalie

Tonya, What a great post. I can relate to so much of what you said. There are still those issues "mind-wise" that we all must deal with. I think everyone's issues are slightly different, but we all have them. That's how we arrived needing WLS! I'm so proud of you and congratulate you on your fabulous success! Please know that I'm here anytime you need to chat. Congrats on your success and here's to continued success forever! Hugs, Wanda

Tonya what wonderful reflections from your journey. I will have to call ya. I miss talking to ya. We are bout at the same weight now. My head hunger is bad too. Sometimes I want to just not eat until my tummy growls. I think i am hungry but is that really what it is? I dont know. You have come so far. Keep up the good work. Shannon

Tonya...What a wonderful post...How i could relate to all of it. I am only 5 weeks out and this weekend at the conference was a challange because of the food...I am still on soft foods. But I still had a blast. Being with my friends who have all gone through this and having a special bond is so important. Hope you can be at the next meet and greet. I would love to meet you. I have made so many wonderful friends off of the VA Board and I love all of you. you are all so unique and special. I can't wait to meet you, Tonya....and I am so proud of you and what you are doing with your life. You are a special and beautiful lady and by having this surgery, you have lengthened your life for your beautiful daughter. I love you. Hugs, Betsy

What a nice post and an inspiration. I am having my surgery Feb 6th and am having second thoughts, but I am going through with it. I have to there is no other way around it!!!! I commend you on your success and wish you your more!!! Hugs, Kennie

Tonya, Thank you for sharing your reflections and revelations!! Although we are all so different in many ways, we also have this bond called obesity and all the issues that go along with it. We all need support people in our lives because we CAN'T make this journey successfully without them... our doctors and medical support folks, spouses and kids, family, friends, support group members, and YES, members of this OH VA messageboard. Congratulations on your success... 123 pounds in 6 months is amazing!! Hugs, Tammy

Tonya, Thank you for sharing your experience!! I still have almost 2 months to go before my surgery, and often wonder if the "head stuff" will ever find a cure. Then I realize that I'm already going through that now, but after surgery the REST of it will at least be working right!! I don't have a lot of advice at the moment being pre-op, but I'm still here if you need to talk!! Elizabeth Happy Momma

Tonya, Thank you so much for the post! I'm already confident in my choice to have surgery (now 16 days away), but hearing about your revelations helped to bolster my conviction even more. Much like you, or so it appears, my husband has always been my closest friend & support. I get along great with my co-workers, but after work hours, I never hear or get together with any of them. My two best friends live 5 and 7 hours away, and I we only talk about once a month. The only person I do things with outside of work is my husband & occasionally my mom & brother. This site has been a blessing for me in that I am learning to open up to others. If I'm having a good day or bad, I know that if I post here, I will get a response from someone. It's nice to feel part of a group! If you ever need to talk or just vent, feel free to contact me. Best wishes! Julie P.S. 123 pounds in 6 months! How awesome!!!