Back from the dr (loooong)

of course, it isn't the news I had hoped for although, with the way I've been feeling, I am not to surprised. I went to see the cardiologist to discuss the results of my latest echocardiogram. My EF has stayed the same, which is significantly lower than it should be but the mitral valve leak is worse and has more than doubled in size.

We discussed possiblities and at this point, there is only one real option. That is to either repair or replace the valve. Meaning open heart surgery, more than likely. I am scheduled for a TEE, (transesophageal echogardiography), on next Wednesday, so that my dr can see how exactly how severe, how much exactly is damaged and whether the repair can be done robotically using the Da Vinci robot. If not or if it needs to be replaced it will be open heart surgery. That, unfortunately is the option he is most leaning towards.

So... after it was said, that I am going to have heart surgery, of course, the emotions started running. How did I let myself get this way. What did I do to myself that caused the problem and of course, how the hell did I allow myself to get so large that it severely made things worse. I sit here and question my medication regime. Did I take my pills EVERY day, EVERY dose. And how could I miss the dose, if I did miss a dose. Why didn't I go see the cardiologist before things got so bad. How does a 35 yr old woman get herself into the situation of needing a new valve or maybe, one day, a new heart!? One of the main reasons I had my WLS was to help fix my heart problems or to maybe make them better and I feel cheated. I know I shouldn't since I have GAINED so much since my WLS. I am down 132 lbs in 9 months... Am no longer an insulin dependant diabetic and am even considered, now, by my endocrinologist to be in remission... I am able to play and chase after Cameron (most of the time) and I am/was finally loving life. And then I start to think of Cameron and the worst scenarios. Who will take care of him if something goes wrong. What will become of him and my parents, my neices and nephews. Everything!

With Cameron being so sick, although better now. Him having more surgery on his ears on March 4, the procedure next week and then discussing things with the Cardiothoracic surgeon that I've been referred too, I am feeling a bit pulled and strained. All I want is comfort and am doing all I can to not find that in the easiest thing, food. I know people say God doesn't give you more than you can handle but I just wish he didn't think I could handle so much.

Thanks for listening to me whine. It has been a frequent thing the last week or so!

Theresa,

((((Sweetie)))))  This is a lot to take in.  I am here if you need anything...just shout out!  I have faith that you will be fine in the long run...remember that things have to get worse before they get better sometimes.  I can help out with Cameron if you need me to...for your appointments or during/after your surgery.  Whatever you need...let me know!  Let me know if you need info on docs or surgeons...I can research at work.  I am praying for you and your family.  Prayers will continue until you say they are no longer needed!

Thanks so much for the hugs. I could use them lately. I may take you up on that offer! Seems I am getting a bit overwhelmed. The surgeon that my cardiologist is recommending is Dr Mark Katz. He is the user of DaVinci at St Mary's.

The test they are doing next Wednesday is to determine if the damage is repairable by DaVinci or if I will have to have it open.

Thanks gor the prayers hun! I appreciate them all!!

Now that my initial shock from your post has worn off...I wanted to add for you to not be so hard on yourself.  Some things are out of our control and were just meant to be.  I am sure you did fine with the meds and you didn't "let" yourself get fat.  That is just the way things were. 

Awww didn't mean to shock ya but that's exactly how I felt, feel. I am trying to not beat myself up but there are so many what if's. I guess I am my own worst enemy.

I know we have had our differences but I truly do appreciate all the advice and wisdom you have. I read and pay attention. I am very grateful for the offerings of help for my appointments and for Cameron and for all the prayers that you have said, are saying and will say for Cameron and myself. It truly does mean so much to me.

Any differences we have had or will have aside...I will ALWAYS consider you a friend and truly want what it best for you and Cameron.  Prayers are free and easy to do so always count on them from me...if there is anything else I can do just shout and I will try my best!  You are doing great!

Regardless of what has happened or been said, I feel the same way. We may have not gotten along because we have similiarities. I really do appreciate all the well wishes, hopes and prayers. I am soaking them all in! Thanks again so much!

My goodness...talk about de javu!!  You sound like I did nearly 20 years ago, so I totally GET what you're going through.  As Tammy said, this is a lot to take in, so of course you're running a whole gammit of emotions right now.  Does it help you to know that your feelings about all this are NORMAL??  They are normal, Theresa.

Let's put a few things to rest though.  You asked "How did I let myself get this way. What did I do to myself that caused the problem..."  Nothing.  YOU didn't do this.  I realize I'm not a doctor, but to my knowledge a leaky valve is something we're born with.  You may remember a post from me almost a year ago telling ya'll that the VA docs discovered that my hubby has a leaky atrial valve.  After a throrough going over by the specialists, he was told that he was born with it.  So that's where I'm getting my information from.  So remove that tape right away & stop blaming yourself.  Frankly, I'd be wanting some answers from your cardiologist as to WHY HE waited so long to do anything about this.  If memory serves, you've had this leaky valve for quite a long time, & it only stand to reason that it would only get worse.  But the biggest message I'm trying to convey to you is that you are not to blame.  Just let that one go.

I know what it is to be facing your own mortality with a child in the picture.  I, too, worried about who was gonna take care of MY kids too...and I have a husband.  You're a single mom, just doing her best.  But while the idea of having open heart surgery is very scary & certainly stressful, in the long run, it's the best thing you can do for both of you.  Thank God that medical science has advanced to where it is now.  Imagine it...a ROBOT that does such delicate surgery?  How cool is that?? 

You went on to say, "One of the main reasons I had my WLS was to help fix my heart problems or to maybe make them better and I feel cheated."  Cheated?  You haven't been cheated.  Quite the opposite.  You stand a waaaaay better chance of not only surviving the surgery, but a speedy recovery as well.  You've taken a huge load off of your heart.  You ask your surgeon how much of a difference your weight loss will have on the outcome.  I guarantee you his answer will be staggering.  So the only way you're going to be cheated is if you minimize what you've accomplished.  And don't forget erradicating the diabetes.  If anything, Theresa, this is the PERFECT TIME to get this thing fixed.  You were closer to death BEFORE your weight loss than you are now.  So please don't throw away all that you've accomplished.  Look at it as a good thing.

I don't know if my words are helping you at all, but I hope they are.  You're still reeling from the latest news so maybe in a day or two these things will have more meaning for you.  Please do keep us apprised.  You & I have had our difficulties in the past, but like all families, there are bound to be sqaubles.  I'd like to think that we all pull together when the chips are down though.  I wish you only the very best.  Truly.

Hi Ann!

Yes it does make me feel a bit better to know that the feelings are normal, or as normal as it can be. I am a basket case and honestly don't know what to think.

I suppose I may realize that I didn't do anything to cause this. But I can't help but blame myself for letting it get out of control or making it worse. All those questions are flowing through my head. I'm not sure that I was born with the leaky valve. I was diagnosed with congestive heart failure in August 2005. That's when he found the valve. He said it could have been hereditary. My great grandmother passed away at 32 with CHF, my grandmother was diagnosed at 32 with it and that's the same age I was diagnosed with it.

We've been treating the problem since my diagnosis. We were using medication and doing different procedures to evaluate it. I've had a few TEE's, catherizations, tons of echos and stress tests. There have been periods where it was better, much better and when he knew that I was having the WLS, we BOTH were confident that losing the weight, while wouldn't fix the damage already done, would definitely help keep things level and not make them worse. Only now, after losing most of the weight I have to lose, 132 lbs, is he quite shocked that it's still worsening. Thus the talks about the surgery.

It is really scary facing mortality, especially your own. But I am glad that they have advanced so much in this field and do think it would be cool if DaVinci did my surgery.

We talked today that if I still had this weight on and had to have the surgery, I probably wouldnt make it. I know this. But... I suppose I'm just upset that even though it couldn't get better, that it had to get worse. I do not regret my surgery at all, just so confused. But... I do know that having heart surgery now is better than having it months down the road. Sooner is definitely better than later.

Because you have experienced something so similiar, of course your words are helping. I'm just still so shocked and scared. What ever our differences have been, they are just that... have been's. I appreciate all your words or wisdom and experience and appreciate the prayers and concerns. Thanks so much!

Sweetie, I LOVE everything your wrote in your response.  If you're anything like me, you're ok in your head, but it's when you start thinking with your heart that things get all weird & worrisome.  I so wish you didn't have to go through this, but it is what it is, right?  Your wl is amazing & I'm so glad you had your wl surgery.  You are going to get your surgery & you are gonna be fine...I feel it in my heart...the part that isn't sick, that is.

Don't be afraid to let others help you.  Sometimes we can let our pride get in the way or become fearful that if we let our guard down & allow others to help us that it means we've become weak.  Again, quite the opposite.  It takes strength & courage to let others in & to allow them to help  us...you  have that kind of strength, Theresa.  And you WILL need help...probably for several weeks following surgery.  Now would be a good time to set up your support system. 

Some things to consider, if you haven't thought about them yet: 

1. Who's gonna look after Cameron while you're in the hospital? 
2. Who's gonna look after YOU when you come home? 
3. What kind, if any, rehab will you need during your recovery?
4. Who will look after Cam while you're at doctor appointments? 
5. About how long will it be before you're allowed to drive yourself after surgery?

That's all I can think of at the moment.  Oh wait...I just thought of  a couple more things.  You might consider asking the surgeon if he has any experience in explaining all this to a child.  Or perhaps he has someone on his staff that has expertise at that sort of thing.  And informing Cam's school of what's about to happen would probably be very helpful to them in dealing with him as well as supporting him.

You will get through this, my friend.  And we're all gonna have so many prayers going your way.  You can't miss.  Keep coming here & allow us to boost your spirits, your will.  You're a Mom & there is nothing stronger than a Mom.  Do stay away from those so-called "comfort" foods...personally I refer to them as "uncomfort" foods cuz I always feel guilty later...not much comfort there.  Your immediate job is to continue doing what you've been doing to keep yourself healthy.  Your body is gonna experience enough of a big change without adding to it. 

Ok, I've chewed your ear off long enough.  Hang in there, kiddo.