I got the worst possible news today

I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me.  Its hard to concentrate.  I think my heart is going to break.

I'm going to lose my sister to cancer.  Soon.  Within the next few months.

Her body is riddled with it...blood, bones, organs.  It's everywhere.

She's going to have a transfussion tomorrow & they are going to put in a central line into her chest.  Friday she will go through 5 hours of chemo.  She already knows that all her hair is gonna fall out so she's asked me to send her the wigs I have.

She's living in Cyndi-world...nearly complete denial, which I suppose is the only way she can cope with it all.

I'm going to have to say good bye to my best friend of 50 years.  How do I do that?  We are supposed to grow old together & swap photos of our future grandchildren.  We still have songs to sing.  Clothes to swap.  Chinese restaurants to haunt.

I don't whether to cry or throw something.  My emotions are all over the place.  And I'm so far from her.  Do I go to her now, while she's still "herself" or do I wait till she's closer to the end?  I don't know what to do.

It occured to me tonight that my sister is going to die soon & our Mother will be oblivious to it all.  Can it get any worse than all this?

I'm sure not in a very good place right now.

Ann, I am so sorry to hear your news, My heart and prayers go out to you and your sister.

Hi Ann,

Only God knows when your sister's time here is done. In the meantime, make the best of every minute you can with her. Make new and wonderful memories, talk about the ones that aren't so new, take lots of pictures, watch movies, read together. Do what you want in your heart and soul and if that's going to be with her now then do it. If its waiting then do it. My thoughts & prayers are with you and your family. Keep your faith alive. Miracles come from the most dire of situations.

Hugs.......

Good Morning Ann,
I'm so sorry to hear about your sister.  My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Oh Ann!  You are in my prayers and of course your sister is, too.

As Kat said...treasure the time you have now and make every moment count.  If you can swing it...go now and later.  She would love the visit and it would give you memories to cherish. 

Let me know if I can do anything.  I am here if you need me.

BIG HUGS!

Ok girlfriend first sorry about the news on your sister. Next is this how she would want you to be. I know that this is hard but lets see what you can do for her right now 1. be strong for her and be there for her when she needs you 2. show her your love and affection 3. Let her know that life goes on and she will still have some fun and why not go to see her and take her to a place that she loves and just spend some time with her and like Kat said take some pics make some new and lasting memories for just the two of you. I know that I might be sounding mighty strong in what I am saying but at this time you need to be strong so that with some luck she will have some peace knowing that her sister was with her and having some together time. She is not gone and will not be for a while so just enjoy the time that you do have together. I want you to be strong like you have told me to be at times. I love you like a sister especilly since I have no idea where mine is and have not seen since 1998.
If I can be of any other help just let me know. I will be here for you and will support you in anyway that I can and so will everyone on the board.

Oh, sweetie -

I'm sitting in a room full of 5th graders with tears rolling down my cheeks for you right now. I'm close with my sister as well and can't imagine the pain you must be feeling. I'm praying for you at this very minute. My prayer is that God will give you and your sister strength for the coming months, and that you will be able to enjoy the time you have left with her. And, of course, for peace about the whole situation for you both.

Love ya girl -

Oh Mama Ann.... My heart breaks for you. I know that words cannot change how you feel right now nor can they change the situation but please know that you can call on us to lean on. If you need to cry, cry...if you need to throw something, make sure it's not valuable and throw it outside ok!?

Good morning.  I've read all your posts & I've already gone through about 20 tissues.  I don't know what I would do without my OH ohana.

I, too, had read Lauren's post from a few days ago.  I felt kinda guilty for not being here with ya'll so I was coming back to where I belong.  I had no idea that it would be under these cir****tances.  I wanted to be upbeat, light-hearted, full of good advice, or suggestions, or ideas.  But now...I just don't know where I fit in the world anymore.

As I'm sure Tammy can attest to, being a medic herself, I'm used to this stuff in the field.  But geez, it's a whole different thing when it's in your own house.  I mean, I learned all the right things to say to others, & I learned how to comfort them.  Now...it just doesn't feel good.  I told Kat in an email that I was prepared...hell, we were ALL prepared...for ME to be the one to go first.  I mean, geez...with my crappy heart & all the stuff wrong with me, it just made sense.  But this?  This DOESN'T make sense.  I've always thought of myself as a pretty tough broad that could handle anything.  I'm finding out the hard way...NOT!!  I'm not tough after all.

If I start blathering on or as we call it in our family, "talking bubbles", it's probably due to lack of sleep.  I tried so many times to just put my head on my pillow & shut my eyes, but sleep wouldn't come.  My mind is just whirling around.  Do you suppose this is normal?  That I'm just in shock right now?  Yeah, that makes sense.  AAARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!  I JUST WANNA SCREAM!!!  Damm it!!  Tammy, help me remember...is it the 5 stages of grief?  Geez, I can't remember anything.  I know there's denial, bargaining, anger...ummm...that's not right.  It's not in order.  Tams, do you remember?

I was thinking last night that while I'm out running errands today that I would pick up some "pretty" stuff for Cyndi...maybe some of that nice, smelly stuff like Jackie sent me from Victoria Secret.  And I bought yarn to make a jacket for Cyndi...she wanted one like the barn jacket I made for myself.  Remember?  I think I posted a photo here.  But then I thought, why?  Can I get it done in time?  She won't be around long enough to really enjoy it.  Oh man...seeing this in writing...that's a mean thought.  Ok...that's what I'm gonna do.  I'm gonna send her a care package & I'm gonna make that sweater anyway.  I don't care if she only wears it for a single day.  It's what SHE WANTS.

Ya'll should see her.  She's so beautiful.  She's the only person I know that could use her drivers license as a portrait!!  And you should hear her sing.  We sang together for all our lives, even professionally.  We went on tour together.  Our voices blend like angels.  Oh God.  I'm never gonna get to sing with her again. 

I gotta take a break.  I can't write anymore right now.  I'll try to come back later.  I just can't do this right now.

Oh Ann, my heart hurts right now.  I am sorry about the events that are going on right now with  your sister.  She and your family will be in my prayers.  Come here and ramble!  Get this off your chest and help explore your emotions.  If you feel the need to go to your sister now, then go to her!!!  If you need anything, and I mean anything, call me please!  Even if it is 3am and you just need to talk.  I will be there!