Who am I ?

Well Im thinking if anyone can relate it would have to be someone on this board.

Im really starting to notice some paterns and I need some advice.

A lil bit about me PRIOR to my surgery.

Im the one that danced on bars and didnt care what anyone thought of me. 300lb's or not I was hot **** ! I didnt let a single person talk down to me and I was always the center of attention. Never affraid to grab the mic and get down. The life of the party....I cant explain how easy going and excitable I was...PRIOR to my surgery.

I started noticing that after my surgery I have become more self concious. Which to me and everyone around me is very puzzling. I mean if I was WAY over weight back then and had no problem being me...why now am I so timid and concerned with the way I am, I look and even what others think of me. I almost feel out of my element. Out of my own skin. Maybe all that extra weight was the only thing that made it easy for me to ward off any of the care.

I know that it's hard for us because of the judgments made on us every single time we see someone we know and the ooze and ahh's come out of no where...and we are faced with the decision on how to act gracious even though we hear it daily. The hard decision's we have to make in a split moment's notice on "did that come out ****y...or is it still ok for me to say..."Why yes I do look damn good dont I ? ". Because of course it was ok for us to say that when we were 300 lb's but now it is perceived to be ****y and snobby.

I have been working in a very fun atmospere that I have always been told was perfect for me and my personality but I have been there since June and Im still finding it hard to come out of my shell. So much so that these people truly dont know me at all and I feel so uncomfortable knowing that the person they see...isnt me.

Just starting to bother me...and I dont know what to do to bring the old me back out.
Brandi~

Hey Brandy. I can totally relate. Now I still am very large. I have only lost 70 lbs and have another 130 to go. But I use to be very self confident. I seem to be loosing it as I loose weight. I do not feel comfortable in this new body. I know people are so proud of me and keep telling me how good I look and how well I am doing. It almost makes me feel like "what did they think back then". I just try to deal with it, but if someone has some great advice I would love to hear it. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in those feelings.

Brooke, dearest...ONLY 70 lbs?  Why ONLY?  I hate that word...ONLY.  To my way of thinking, it discounts what I've worked so hard to accomplish.  I know you can't do it right now with the feeding tube, but when you're able to, next time you're in Walmart, go to the pet dept, pick up enough dog food bags to equal 70 lbs & then attempt to carry them around the store.  I GUARANTEE that you can't do it.  Yet that's exactly what you did BEFORE you lost those only 70 lbs.  I am very proud of you & what you've accomplished, so if I may suggest, abolish that word ONLY...you deserve ONLY the very best.

I definitely think that these are feelings that a lot of us go.  Although I was never super outgoing or confident in myself before surgery, I definitely closed in quite a bit after surgery.  I think that a big part of it has to do with the hormone imbalances & such in our bodies.  I think that your theory about the weight blocking our care is part true.  As we start to shed the weight I think we definitely analyze ourselves more & end up dealing with internal issues.  3 years later & I still struggle with dealing with the oohh's & aahh's as you put it, not feeling confident & secure in myself and being timid and pulling in.  An issue I should work more on but have not tackled yet. 

Perhaps we need to start examining & working on these issues.  As you get farther out & start to adjust more to the person you are becoming it will get easier & will definitely feel more like normal.  Just keep pushing through.  Remember you are a beautiful & fun loving woman who deserves the best.

Brandi,

You are definately NOT alone.  I felt this way, too and was always self confident, even at my highest weight.  I didn't care what people thought.  I do not know what happened when I was losing weight but I lost a lot of it.  Once I reached a stable weight and maintained I started to get it back again and am happy to say I am fully "me" again.  I wish I had better advice but I do not know what I did  to get it back.

Brandi - me too!  i'm down -111 and now super self consious, how weird, i guess we just need time for heads to catch up with our bodies.  You look fabulous, btw!  keep u pthe good work!, lys

Hey Brandi!
 I am sorry about how you are feeling. But now you have notice the change and you can stop it. Just remember you are just as beautiful as you were before.. Now you just have another reason to show your self off and be extremely proud of the work you have done thus far.. GO GIRL! Chin up.

Brandi-
Wow....you voiced what goes through my head often! I find that same inner battle going on at times...the whole, "I do look good...is it ok that I think that!?" I think that when we were big we had to say it to convince ourselves, but also used it as a way to ward off those judgemental stares of those that didn't approve. Now those stares are approving and we're wondering how to handle that.

I don't have much advice other than keep dealing with your emotions...no stuffing allowed! I'm considering some professional help just to work through it with someone that can have outside-of-my-brain perspective.

If you want to talk further, let me know.....

I can relate, as can most of us here. My theroy is this.... I believe that my weight was (and still is) like a secuity blanket. It is hard to explain, but since I have lost weight, I feel naked, exposed, raw.... Almost unbearingly at times. Sometimes I wonder if this is the reason why I sub- consciously feel the urge to eat constantly. Iike I feel the need to cover up with my security blanket...my extra weight.  ???
I am over 2 1/2 years out and I still feel very self conscience about my weight.
cath

Gosh Brandi, I feel like I should have some kind of pearls of wisdom for you.

Let's break it down.  The stereotypical view of overweight people is that they are always jolly & entertaining.  Why?  To draw attention "away" from their size?  That if they aren't entertaining then maybe nobody will want to be around them at all cuz the "normal people"  sure can't be friends with a fat person, can they? (*****es!) 

You say you were the type to dance on table tops when you were big, that being the center of attention or the life of the party came easy to you then.  Honey, it was a coping skill.  You had to be that way in order to be a part of the human race, rather than dismissed as the fat girl, too ugly to be around.  You did it so that you didn't have to be lonely or left out of the fun stuff.  It was, as someone else here called it, you "security blanket."  Well, you don't have to over compensate anymore.  The "normal people" are welcoming you with open arms, whereas had you not over compensated before, they wouldn't have given you the time of day.  And that ****** you off.

Feeling uncomfortable with all the ooo's & ahhhs...well, yeah.  There's that stereotyping again.  Look at the ads in magazines, on the tv, in the movies.  It's all about being small, wearing next to nothing.  Yet I look at Oprah or Queen Latifah & think oh my...they're so beautiful.  How about Delta Burke?  She was a beauty thin, & she's a beauty thick.  The difference between them & us is that they have the bucks we don't to do whatever they want.  They can hire personal trainers, personal shoppers, personal chefs.   People flock to them because of their notoriety & their money.  We "regular folk" have to muddle through, make do, trial & error.  But thank goodness we have role models in the media that are real, such as Oprah & Queen.  Oprah makes sure that we, the public, are continually learning about what's healthy.  She's finally accepted that she's not going to be a size 4 & has found a happy, healthy middle that works for her.  If you watch tv, then I'm sure you've seen Queen doing the Jenny Craig commercials (I THINK it's JC...I could be wrong).  Anyway, what I like about her ads compared to Kirsti Alley's or Marie Osmond's or that other gal, is that she didn't focus on the numbers she lost, but rather the fact that she signed on to get healthy.

So what does all this have to do with what you asked?  It's about self image.  Sweetie, not only did the "normal people" not accept you as you were, but maybe you didn't either.  I know I didn't.  And on some levels, perhaps because I haven't reached my goal yet, I still haven't.  Maybe you just thought you liked yourself back then because you had to.  But now that you're thin, you look in the mirror & don't recognize yourself anymore.  How many years were you obese & how long have you been thin?  Your compensation in the past doesn't work now...you don't have to be that wild & crazy gal to be accepted anymore & that's foreign to you.  So while you're redesigning a whole new outer package, you likewise have to redisgn a whole new inner package.  Does that make sense?   And you know what the added advantage of that is?  Your redesign can be whatever you want.  Ask yourself if you were truly happy with the outlandish you.  Or did you sometimes wish you could just tone it down a notch & "act" like a regular person but couldn't?  I don't know if I'm even asking the right questions here...I don't know you all that well so I'm basing this on the little bit that you've shared here.  I guess what I'm suggesting is to reevaluate who you want to be & then take the steps to make it happen.

I don't know if I've been of any help.  I hope so.  But you certainly brought up a good issue that many of us have or should consider for ourselves.  A "where do I fit in the world" kind of thing.  Don't worry...you'll find your way.  But it may not be overnight.