thank you all so much... RE: grandmother's funeral

I'm sorry I'm not responding to each of you individually, but thank you for taking the time to respond to my earlier post.

I have decided not to go. I guess that I initially offered because I could think of nothing else to say in that moment. Immediately I felt uncomfortable, almost as if I had "invited myself". I felt like kicking myself for not having better words to comfort him then.

What else would he have said but "of course I'd love to have you there"?

I posted this before I left work yesterday, and did a lot of thinking on my way home. I think that I have decided that as much as he is a part of my family (I've really put him through the wringer sometimes with their antics), I am not yet a part of his.

This was confirmed for me last night when, after talking to his dad, he looked at me and began in on the "my family would love to have you there, and they really appreciate you offering, but..." speech. I cut him off and told him not to worry about it.

So on one hand, I'm trying to make him feel better about something that he's admitted to me is not bothering him that much yet but that is likely, according to him, to make him close off for a couple of days when he gets back. On the other hand I'm trying to not be angry and bitter that I'm still a "guest" to his family.

Anyhow, that's what I ended up deciding to do. Thank you all (Jackie, Diana, Christina, Lauren, Prissy, Cindy, Brooke, Kat, Court, Tam, tommygirl) for your words of comfort and support. I appreciate it very much, and will pass that along to Pete as well.

Also, sorry for laying this all out here. I guess I had nowhere else to do it.

Julie, don't be sorry for coming here with your situation.  We love you & are here for you.  Please try not to be angry & bitter about the situation.  Times of sorrow & grief do cause a lot of difficult situations that hurt.  Of course offering to go with him & support him would be your first thought.

Sending a flower arrangement to the funeral home, or getting a plant for the family at home would be a lovely gesture to let them know you are thinking about them and that you care.  You could send a card to his parents, and get one for him.  Let him know you are there for him & try to be patient & understanding as he deals with his grief.  I have to admit that was the hardest part for me when my hubby's dad passed in the spring.  Perhaps when some time has passed, you can come up with some nice ideas of things to do with his family in order to develop your relationship with them.

My thoughts & prayers are with you & Pete & his family during this rough time.

Thanks Court for your suggestions. I was thinking of sending a card, but felt like that might be too impersonal. Maybe it's not. I'm not used to this sort of stuff (who wants to be anyhow?) and while I'm used to jumping in to do anything I can for just about anyone, I don't want to err too far on one side or the other. (trying too hard vs. not trying hard enough).

His mom thinks she's a terrible cook (I can't see why) so I'm thinking of maybe making something up and having it ready for them when they get back on Sunday. I do my best work "holding down the fort" anyhow.

Thanks again.

Love,

Julie
 

I swore that I replied to you, but it looks like I replied to myself? Huh? Anyhow, see post above, it's to you, not to me.

EDIT: Well now it's in the right place. I give up. Dang newfangled internet and stuff anyhow.

Hey Julie,

No worries! We're always here for your to "lay it all out" to. It helps getting fresh perspective from others. Hope you're doing well.

Hugs......

Thanks, Kat. I'm trying to learn to do that more often, but it's easier said than done most of the time.

Julie,

Like the others have said we are here for you to lay anything out.  I can sympathize on why you are not going.  I remember  when my hubbys grandfather passed, I was there for it all,including the disconnection of life support and when he took his last breath.  When we were at the house making arrangements and all I stayed in the other room and just refilled drinks and all that fun stuff that some one that feels out of place would do.  Well, his grandma called me in there and told me that I was part of the family and I needed to be helping to make the decisions.  His entire family has never accepted me or our relationship and to have her do that made me finally feel like part of the family.  Still,no other members have been accepting of us.  It was always just her.  We have only seen his family three or four times since she passed in 2005 and one of those times was for another funeral.  We have been together for 10 years now and it is still the same way. 
I know he (they) know you are there in spirit and making food for when they return on Sunday would be perfect.  They will really appreciate it and maybe when they have calmed down and they look back at what was said they will realize that you are in fact a part of the family.
Kudos to you for being the bigger person here!

This is where you are suppose to come for support. My husbands family took awhile to get use to me as well. So I can understand that. I know it must be a very ackward and hard place to be in. you guys will continue to be in my prayers!

Glad you updated us.  Given time, I hope that you feel more a part of his family as he is yours.  A funeral is a hard time to test those waters...

You are always welcome to lay it out here.  We are all here to listen.  HUGS!! 

I'm so sorry for your loss Julie and I know I'm late but my prayers for you and your family anyway...Jim