Confession Time - Long

Okay, here I am at over 14 months out. I have lost around 170 lbs. I feel great. But I have only lost like 5 lbs in the last 4 months and it's all my own fault. I've slipped back into old eating habits (not nearly as bad as before my surgery, but BAD anyway). With recent, within the past few months, stresses (a military move for our family, two family deaths and the ensuing chaos, my husband's military deployment looming, a new job with all it's own drama, my toddler in her terrible twos, family illness, and the shaky financial future of my immediate family), I've taken grazing to a whole new level. It's rare I don't have food in my hand or my mouth. With the possibility that my husband may leave the military by Sept 07, it's become important for me to try and get my plastics done sooner rather than later and I'm still 40 lbs or more from my goal! And that's stressing me out too! I got a base gym pass but have yet to use it because the hours the gym is open, versus the hours our daycare is open doesn't mesh very well and I don't have childcare for me to hit the gym at all. I told my husband this morning that I want a treadmill by Christmas and while he agrees, he wants to take things slow and "maybe" wait a while. I've stressed to him again and again today that I know what will happen; we'll wait a few weeks, and it will turn into a few months, and by the time I get a treadmill or any exercise equipment, it'll be plastics time. (I'm a huge procratinator when it comes to making decisions and he's a big procrastinator in spending money.) I've ticked him off enough with my nagging that he's agreed to visit a fitness equipment store to look at a few treadmills and maybe an elliptical trainer if I really want a good workout. He honestly thinks it'll just sit in the corner gathering dust. I honestly want to use it as our neighborhood is not the safest to be outside in after dark, otherwise, I'd toss my toddler in a stroller and take a short jog. I'm fretting because I want to lose more weight. I'd love to see 180 but I'm beginning to think that won't happen. I believe I can do it, but not if no one else believes it. Even my mom says I should be happy to be where I am, at 234-240 lbs (depending on the time of the month). I am happy, but I want to be happier. My blood pressure is back up again and I'm probably going to be back on bp meds soon. I know it's all my own fault for letting myself fall into this and while I'd like to be strong like many of you and just pull myself up by the bootstraps and "go back to basics," I find myself slipping time and again. I need to go back to writing everything I eat down and counting calories. I know that right now, I get around 2200 a day, maybe a little more, so I'm maintaining, but not losing. Anyway, the point of all this rambling is that I'm letting stress dictate my eating and while I understand my husband's attitude of "why buy something expensive just to see it sit in the corner," but I'd like the opportunity to be able to pull myself up by the bootstraps and "go back to basics." I know, pity party, party of one. Thanks for listening. Tonya Brown 405/379/234~/180 (high/surgery/current/goal)

Hi Sweetie....Good to see you again. Don't give up and it is never too late to get back to working our tool. I too have really slipped and have had to have a stern talk with myself here lately. If I want to do it, only I can work the tool. No one else can do it for me....Good luck and don't be a stranger... Hugs, Betsy

One of the things that screamed to me the loudest in your post was this statement.... "I believe I can do it, but not if no one else believes it." I honestly don't understand how what others think/believe can (or should) control the outcome of YOUR destiny, if you truly believe. Im NOT discounting your beliefs and thoughts, but I promise you - if you don't get rid of that type of thinking, it'll become your excuse for not succeeding. I STOPPED LETTING OTHER PEOPLES THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS control me decades ago. Yep, including those of my family. The second I became responsible for my bills, my roof over my head, my life (at the age of 18) - I took FULL credit and FULL blame for all that followed. Stop worrying IF others believe you can do it and start focusing on the fact that YOU believe/know you can do it and DO IT! When I gained 22 pounds from my lowest weight, last year, I never ONCE blamed it on anyone but myself. I took ownership of my failure to maintain as well as ownership when I SUCCEEDED and took the weight back off. It woulda been so much easier to shift some of my reasoning for the gain on others, but in reality, it was all mine. I gave myself permission to 'indulge and graze' and loved every last morsel of it - there were no regrets, not then, not now - but I finally slapped myself hard enough that I realized what path I was going down and it pretty much scared me straight and I took control of my destiny. That's the beauty of this new smaller pouch we have. We can get back on track at any given time, if we really want to. I don't believe we have an ADVANTAGE this far out, verses anyone else trying to lose the last 20 or 40 pounds, but isn't that what we always hoped for? To be NORMAL again? My sister (never overweight a day in her life) has always tried to lose that "last ten pounds". Whod'a ever thought that I could finally be normal like her? At least now, losing and keeping the weight off is very VERY obtainable - not nearly as overwhelming as it was when we had 200+ pounds to lose. YOU CAN DO IT TONYA - stop worrying about whether others believe you can [or should] and just make it happen. By the way - I have a problem with grazing (especially right before my monthly cycle - even the cats are in danger during the eating frenzy - they ARE protein, right?) ... I find that having "free snacks" in the fridge help. MOST people would disagree and say that condoning grazing of any type is a BAD thing. Well, for me, it didn't matter if it was bad or good, I was gonna do it - so in my way of thinking, I figured if I can't STOP it, then adjust it. Free snacks are fresh veggies (and some fruit) that pretty much the act of cleaning, slicing and chewing ..cancels out the calories of the food itself. Radishes, carrots, celery, tomatoes, mushrooms, cucumbers, apples, oranges, pineapple, melons, etc. Ive NEVER met a person that "gained weight" eating those types of foods/snacks and it sure beats reaching aimlessly for a 100 calorie COOKIE (yes, just one cookie) verses reaching for 4 tomatoes, 1 cucumber, and maybe an apple. I treat my calories like it's CASH IN THE BANK - when the alloted daily cash flow (calories) are gone, then so is my ability to buy/eat more. Dontcha' know I get major bank for my buck? Good luck Tonya - you can do it, half the battle is BELIEVING in you and it sounds like you already do - frick what others think. Lei

Hey Tonya, Sorry to hear you are having such a time of it. Is there no suport in your area? Sounds like you need some good group meetings and helpful neighbors and friends. I know what you mean about grazing. I was doing that and stalled for a month and a half. Now I am lying flat on my back, waiting for my hysterectomy scar to heal. The wonderful blessing is that my stomach shrank back. I can only stand about 1 bite of anythng at a time. You are right about needing to write eveything down again. Stick with it Tonya, do not give up!! You will accomplish this! Just say NO to grazing. Godbless, Lois

Lei's post reminded me to add that I have found one thing that almost halts grazing for me--carrots sticks. They are so dense and take so long to digest that I won't eat from a few hors aftwards. Try altering the content of the graze, as Lei said. Lois

Tonya- So glad to hear from you! Ok...where to begin? I completely understand where you are coming from. I'm 13 months out and battle EVERY DAY with the food demons. Some days they win and some days I do. But, every morning when I put the feet to the floor, I know that there will be a battle that day. Especially now with all of the sweets around me. (literally....the sweet table is in front of my cubicle at work). But...you have to make a plan to succeed. Only YOU can do that. no one else can do that for you. YOU have to be the one to say that today will be a good day. Every day, I hold myself accountable for my workout in the evening. I plan on what I will be doing and at what time. Then, in the evening, I plan my food for the following day....I pack what I will be eating and nothing more/less. During the day, as I eat or workout, I log in everything (including my weight) into fitday.com. I only do this a few times a month to make sure that I am staying on track, and to avoid becoming obsessive over it (I have been in the past, and it wasn't good). But...the point is....you have to plan and hold yourself accountable to your plan. Now stress eating....I can definately relate to this one. I am one of those. Actually, come to think of it....I eat when I'm happy, sad, stressed, celebrating, etc. But definately a stress eater. Again...here is where you have to plan ahead. What will you do when you become stressed? Find something other than eating. Go exercise, scream in the bathroom, something..... Or if you have to eat, eat veggies or fruit (as Lei suggested). Have you thought about counseling to help you deal with the stress? How about a support group for WLS? Have you checked into that? Both may be helpful to you. Also, you have to ask yourself....did all of those events that caused you to stress eat become fixed because of your stress eating? Probably not. So, ehen you become stressed and you reach for something to eat...ask yourself "Will this fix the problem?". I can guarentee you that it won't. And...as a reminder....post that question on your fridge...at your desk at work....on the box of cookies. But....try to take a minute to ask yourself that question instead of just mindless eating. Ok...now onto the exercise equipment. If this is something that you really want....explain to hubby that his support through your journey has always been appreciated. But...more support is needed to keep you going. If he doesn't want to incur the expense of a treadmill, would he consider babysitting in the evening so you can go to the gym (most on base are open until 8:00 or 9:00 in the evening and on the weekends). Or if he does not want you out in the evening, ask for his suggestions. But, as a side note, have you even tried any of the workout dvds? I hear that Leslie Sansome's is pretty good for walking, and she has several of them. They are alot cheaper than a treadmill and if you do them regularly it might show him your commitment. So....now that you have recognized that you have a problem that you must deal with....how are you going to fix it? You CAN succeed at this you just need to push forward....with or WITHOUT others by your side. I know that your family is important, but sometimes YOU have to be the most important. Yes...go back to basics.....go back to your written goals and reflect on where you have come from. How FAR you have come and then move forward. Know that there are some things that you cannot control, but there are many things that you CAN control....and this is defiantely one of them. Know that we are proud of you! Good luck to you and stay in touch. Jill 263/145 (I hit my goal)

Tonya, first I would like to say that the success you have had so far is amazing. You have done so well and have accomplished much. Life and stress do make it hard on us all. I have noticed myself snacking a bit more than normal and have to really watch myself. Remember that only you can make the decisions to work the tool and only you can decided where you are happy in your loss. I belive in you (and in all of us). We made the decision to change our lives and we have the strength to keep it up. A suggestion as far as the gym equipment, maybe see if you can find something at a thrift store or in the want ads. This way you can get the equipment, be able to use it, but not have to spend so much money. Keep up the hard work, we believe in you and we are here if you need us. Courtney