What's in a number?

 

What’s in the number?
May 2, 2010

I have had plenty of time to sit and ponder this question for many years’ pre and post-op, and yet struggle with the answer to this question myself. I wonder why we place so much emphasis on the “number" whether it is the size of our jeans, body mass index, caloric intake, or the number on the scale.  For years, people have identified themselves by our size or weight. We have measured our successes and failures based on the number on the scale, the number in our jeans, and the total number of our caloric intake for the day.

I ask the question does anybody other than “ourselves" know the number in our clothes, scale or calorie counter at the end of the day? Does this little “number" really make you successful or a failure? Do we really place our existence on this number? What really is in the number? What would happen if we lived in a society that was not number focused or driven? Would you be any different tomorrow than yesterday?

I wonder the answer to all those questions for myself. There are days that I wake up and I do not see what everyone else sees, and I turn to the scale to confirm that I am not 325lbs, when I feel like it. The confirmation is in the number on the scale that I am not what I was, but what happens when it plays the trick with my head? I step on the scale and I feel something different, but the number says “X" and yet, others around me say that there is no way that I weigh that, and I say that is what the scales says. The confirmation in the number defines for me at that moment “success" or “failure". I wonder how many of you out there sit there as you are reading this and say, “I know what you mean, I do that, too!" I wonder, why sometimes when I go shopping buying a size “L" from the junior section makes me upset, and buying a “M" in misses does the same… As if buying a 26-28 from Lane Bryant was better.

Wonder why going from a BMI of 53.3 to 29.9 meaning losing 23.4 BMI percentage is not success enough for me, like always trying to obtain something better. What if this is best? 29.9 with the extra skin is pretty dang good, considering where I was. What if we always strive for something better and miss out that this might just be the best.

What’s in the number…. Why do you play with my head?

Well, it plays with our head because our whole lives are measured in numbers and in relationship to something else.  Whether it is a grade in school, the salaries we earn, the cars we drive or how long we have been married.

You are young and all those things are important because you are testing yourself against the world.  When you get old and tired like me LOL you don't care as much.

I really don't care what my jean size is as much as the fact that I can squat and get back up w/o support - that is a REAL accomplishment to me and one that always makes me smile!    That - and there is no longer a "W" behind the size *whew*.

I am amazed every morning when I get one the scale and it reads between 145 and 146 after being 200+ for so long and failing at so many diets.  Some mornings I still feel 245 pounds and it is reassuring to see those numbers on the scale.

I am still "overweight" by the BMI numbers but it does not bother me because I feel good in my clothes.  Like you said - nobody knows how much I weigh, what my BMI is, etc outside of this board.

Also, at my stage in life I am more worried about getting my youngest through puberty, how I am going to pay for his college, keeping my job so we can eat, etc.  I spent the past 2 years focusing on ME and getting myself to a normal weight and healthy again and now I am focusing on other parts of my life while keeping up with my vitamins and not re-gaining.  Some days a tall order! 

I use to say whats in a number when I weighed over 300lbs. For me that number became life or death. Did I want to lower that number and be healthy or stay at that number or higher and have a very shortened and unhealthy life! The number is a gauge to stay near so I remain healthy. It keeps me from straying from the rules and eating unhealthy. My number is mine and no one elses so I try not to compare. People say I look healthier and at a heavier wight now than at Christmas my mother says at Christmas I had gotten fat! I am actually 14lbs lighter than at the holiday!

Yes, having suffered most of my life from morbid obesity the numbers are important but not to self worth but to health. I am the same person I was at 300lbs+ except for the fact I am more self confident and I have lots more more fun buying clothes. You are right that I wont buy a large no matter what department I am in it is just too easy to say its a small large, then its just a small x-large etc... Wont go there again. No life isn't easier because I am a smaller number. But making a life is easier and more fun!

Hope this makes sense, if not too bad because it does to me and that is whats important!!

Meggie

Interesting post Jessica.  I focused entirely on "the number" for almost 3 years and although I still weigh often (not everyday) I'm finding that I am not so consumed with the number on the scale right now and maybe that means I'm going to start LIVING and not being so consumed with my weight, calories, clothes sizes, whatever number I focused on so much prior.

I do believe I have to stay in check and watch my weight (I need to lose a few right now) however, I was so consumed with WLS that I wasn't living my life like I should.  I don't want WLS to define me forever.  I'm thankful for WLS and better health, now I want to live life and feel free.