Serious Question...

No rush... I am not one who is quick to jump in and out of relationships. Thanks for the prayers...

Let me share a little of what I can offer regarding your dilemma, although the situation is different.

My husband is very sick. We're doing everything in our power to get him better but we don't know if it's going to work. Since diagnoses we've had a maelstrom of crap thrown our way, and our relationship has suffered. I don't mean like we're going to divorce tomorrow - but our relationship is changed. We're still very "tight" but the weight of disease is very heavy on us. I don't think we'll ever shake it to be honest. Add to that horrific depression for treatment options that suck, a child who doesn't understand what the hell is happening and is acting out (that we have to remain calm enough to handle with ANY kind of tact), and a lack of intimacy (not sexual intimacy) that would make any relationship come to a standstill. The man I married is gone, and the person who has replaced him is a shadow of who he was before. I get glimpses of him here and there - but some days I'm met with what feels like icy indifference - mostly because I don't think he knows he's doing it - or the treatments he's received have changed him. I don't blame him though - how could he NOT be different? It's going to take a long time to realize the disease is PART of his life, not ALL of his life. Easier said than done.

Anyway - I tell you this because my husband and I are very solid in our relationship and really always have been. The problem I've personally run into is wondering if this is how it's going to feel for the rest of my life. Not having the person I love most in this world reach for a bear hug, or grab my hand just for the sake of holding it, or sneak a tickle attack when I least expect it. I know he's sick and doesn't have the energy to do that kind of stuff - but some days I wonder if it will ever be the same again. I really miss him, and he's standing right in front of me.

So do yourself a favor and really sit down and ask yourself what you can live with. You came into this relationship knowing he was bi-polar - which is such a debilitating disease. I say if he's trying, then stick it out with him. I know it's hard. And the heavy doubt that weighs on you feels unbearable. What if? Did I make a mistake? Should I go? But take this time to be open and honest and forthcoming with him. He'll appreciate the honesty (although it will be difficult to hear) and maybe it will initiate additional treatment. And if it doesn't work out, then you'll be able to move on knowing you did everything in your power to just do your best. That's all you can hope for anyway. Just do your best.

Jenny

You have described so many similar feelings. The sadness and the wondering if this is how the rest of my life will be. Will it ever be the same again?

I do miss the man I met, the one who was upfront about his disease but also had hope that he could have a better life or a normal life once he found the right combination of pills/therapy with the added benefit of my support. He was completely different... part of me stays because he hasn't given up. He is trying and I know he wants to feel normal and make me happy. Part of me thinks that maybe if he could deal with this without the added pressure of trying to make our marriage work, then he might have an easier time. 

I am just conflicted and I know that the answer has to come from within. I appreciate you sharing your story with me. You are a brave woman and I am truly impressed with your genuine and candid response.  

JESS-I didn't respond to your post when I first read it..to be honest, because..after 9 years here, I've seen "alot", as they say...at first impression it looked look you had already made up your mind and were seeking "group approval" to leave your relationship...kind of like when some people come here wanting to be patted on the head and be told "It's okay you ate those Doritos at 2 days out-just get back on your liquids"..BUT..I think I jumped the gun..let me apologize..

From your responses to the people I DO know, and I know WELL, you seem like an intelligent, caring person. QUE has been thru pure hell, and JENNY is going thru hers now. I cannot BEGIN to imagine the strength of these sisters of mine, and I hold them on the highest pedestals. But YOUR situation may be totally different, of course, and only YOU can decide.

My only "advice", would be from a very old thing from the "Dear Abby" column:

"Are you better off  WITH him, or WITHOUT him?"

Perhaps it's better to decide this before you use more of YOUR life and HIS life. God may have someone ELSE in mind for each of you. Do not stay with him, thinking you can "change" or "fix" him-only he and God can do that. You can't change him anymore than someone could change you or me (IMHO).

Best of luck to both of you.

Gina AKA Nurse Diva

I was going to keep my 2 cents on this topic, but sounds like I need to jump in.  Sorry.

I can come at this from 2 ways.  I will be married for 35 years in June and I raised a Bipolar child.

My husband had life threatening complications from the RNY surgery.  For 2 Years I fought the medical community and dare I say God to keep Tom here.  Then when it looked like he was going to make it, drugs and alcohol took over.  Everyone and I mean everyone tried to get me to leave him.  I told my boys to check my address in a few weeks, it would be different.  As a last resort, I told him it was rehab or our marriage.  He chose rehab, so I had to tough out at least another few months to see if it worked.  Rehab worked and I am now seeing the man I married coming back to me.  The relationship is different, but is now beginning to be loving once again.  The only reason I fought so hard for so long was my marriage vows.  I kept repeating over and over in my head, in sickness and in health.  Jenny, hold on, Eric is a great man.

My son had a really rough time from Middle School until I pulled him out of High School his junior year.  They would not diagnose the disease, they said he was too young, but would tell me that is what he had.  He is highly intelligent and that just added to the problems at school.  It was never easy for him and we got to where we could look in his eyes and know exactly where he was on the pendulum that is bipolar.  Taking him out of school was the absolute best thing I ever did for him.  He does not have a higher ecucation but is very high functioning.  He went through a series of low level jobs, but now has a great job he has held for 5 years. 

His relationships have always been rocky and most have ended on a manic swimg.  I trul;y wish he would find that one person, Like you, that understands and wants to work it out.  I do not believe there are many women out there with the stamina it takes to live with a partner with the disease.  The fact that you knew up front and you were able to see through the manic, is amazing.  The most important thing  I have learned is not to push him into a corner.  He will fight back.  Pick your fights, and when that special moment comes, you will be able to discuss in house treatment.  It will change his life.  Waiting for the opening is the nightmare.

My suggestion is for you to find a support group of other peeps that are living with the same problems.  I am not saying the marriage can be saved.  You have given and given, but peeps with this problem take and take.  Finding the common ground is not an easy task. 

I will keep you both in my prayers, I want to know the ending to both stories.  You are both stong women with loftly goals and I have found that to be a saving grace.

Thanks, Que. I was kinda hoping you would chime in. You know how hard it is to have your life crumble around you. There are really scary days - days you never think you'd ever have to face in a relationship. I hate those days. But I hang on for dear life because I know better days are going to follow.

And I agree, my husband is a great man. Better than I could have ever hoped for and more loving than I could have ever I deserved. No doubt about it.

My first husband was bipolar, and I know what you are talking about.  Sometimes, you can truly love someone, but you have to love yourself first.  And nomatter how much you love that other person, if they aren't what is good for you, they aren't what you should have.  I'm not saying that you should divorce him.  Only you can decide if he is good for you or not.  But I am saying that you shouldn't sacrifice what you need for any relationship.  And good relationships go both directions.  You can't love and support someone enough for the two of you.  I suggest going to a counselor by yourself and talk to them.  Good luck. 

Thank you all so much for your responses. They eased my internal turmoil alot! I am getting individual therapy and learning how to cope with the outcome of this relationship... whatever it may be. Hearing that so many of you have struggled and come through your situations with such inner strength gives me a ton of hope and makes me feel way less alone in my world so to speak.