I feel like a crook

Long story short, I'm going to try to get the point as quickly as possible to prevent going into too much detail because I'm irritated enough as it is, but would really appreciate feedback from my friends here. 

As many of you know, Schlotsky's Deli gave 15% of all orders today and yesterday for my family that was arranged through my daughters preschool because the owner is a part of the congregation there. When they approached me, my situation was much different than it is today, and I had no clue where the hell my life was going to be perfectly frank.

Unfortunately through a huge lack of updates on my part (and confusion/ignorance on many of my family members part - mainly my mother-in-law) the "selling point" for this benefit - submitted and promoted as - was that Eric was unemployed, uninsured, and obviously diagnosed with cancer. Well, I know for a fact that I never mentioned Eric's job situation at school. I didn't think it was any of their business. So I'm pretty sure Eric's mom must have said something about Eric's contract ending in February because we were told there were no options. That has since changed and his contract was extended another year - so I obviously never updated them because I didn't even know they knew about it. They were saying he was laid off! 

It gets worse.  
 
I also never thought to update them about the insurance policy becoming effective 5 days before he went in (as you know, we were made aware of the effective date 5 days after he went into the hospital) so when we went into Parkland, we were uninsured. Only through the grace of God did we get an effective date 5 days before he went in so he did have coverage. I do remember saying to her teacher in my distress "we're uninsured" but I never thought to say it actually went through and he did have coverage while I was trying to prevent my life from crashing around my ears since we got home.

So here's my issue. I feel like a thief. These people came in to offer support and assistance to a situation that is a lie. Granted, at one time it wasn't a lie because all of it was true - but that doesn't change the fact that I feel like these people offered financial assistance to my family because they thought our situation was worse than what it is. Now I know Eric makes zilch on chemo weeks. I know I've got medical bills mounting against me. I know I have to fight to keep my house. But I feel like we swindled these people out of money because they thought we were uninsured and unemployed. Ugh. I'm seriously sick to my stomach.

So once I learned of the back story they were promoting on fliers and newsletters, I contacted the main school board leader and apologized for not updating her of our situation. I have yet to hear back from her (she's very good at returning e-mails. So is she out or is she so disgusted with me that she can barely type a response? Paranoia is definitely kicking in.) My thoughts are - would those updates have changed their minds about hosting this benefit? Would the people have decided to stay home and not made the effort to go out to eat? Will the people want their money back? I'm so sick about it all I could just cry. I honestly don't want one penny of it.

So I want to get more feedback from people if you're willing to offer it. I've talked to my good friends and they've made me feel better about it but it still weighs heavy in my heart. This whole donation business is really not all it's cracked up to be. It's really more difficult that you can imagine. And when you're already smelling burnt toast 24 hours a day from what you're convinced is a stress induced stroke, this stuff added on top really doesn't help. Can I just have my old quiet life back? Good grief.

Thanks in advance for your time and any feedback you want to offer -

Jenny

P.S. In hindsight, I should have asked to see the fliers before they went out. I didn't even know they knew about Eric's contract stuff. When you're dealing with something like this, it's better to have all the facts straight before you go based on word you haven't confirmed - even if you think it's hard for people to talk about. I would have nipped this misinformation in the bud before it got to this. I am so upset. At least I have the caringbridge journal to back up my story to prove I'm not making crap up. Ugh.

Jenny, I'm so sorry you are going through all of this! You seem to be the same type of personality as me, very sensitive, and you are your own worst critic. From what I've read, you did not go asking for a handout, nor did you initiate this, so you have no reason to feel any guilt.

Secondly, when you found out they misunderstood the situation, you did the right thing and were honest about it. I think you are very noble. Those people came out because they wanted to support you and your family, and I think 99% of them would understand! And I still think you should be allowed to have that money to support your family and those medical expenses.

Keep your head up hun!!!!

Jenny, this is not your fault.  You did not lie to or mislead anyone.

Tell the truth to whoever asks, expresses interest, or offers you proceeds from the fundraiser.  If you are still offered money after the whole truth is out, accept the money graciously and with a crystal-clear conscience.  People nowadays understand how medical catastrophes can send a family into foreclosure or bankruptcy, even if there is insurance, due to high co-pays, huge out-of-pocket maximums, and (as in your case) lost wages.

Best of luck to you.

Oh honey please don't stress over this.  I'm with Kim-you deserve this money and still definately NEED this money.  I think it's very noble of you to have emailed the board president to inform her.  Surely she understands that the need still exists for assistance.  Like you say, he will not be able to work during Chemo weeks and medical bills will still pile up regardless of whether or not you have insurance.  You are one of the most deserving families I know of and I'm sure none of those people would want their money back.  In fact the individuals got a great meal out of it anyway and the store owner got some great publicity and probably some new customers.  Sleep tight my friend, you did nothing wrong.

Ditto what Steph said!

oh Jenny,

Steph and the others are right. You had/have a need. You explained the current situation. Now you take what they give you and use what you can. 

I had a very similar situation when our house burned and we lost everything.  We had nothing that morning when I got out of the hospital and I was driven directly to the food bank to get food.  We were staying with friends and the meals were never an issue.  By noon the next day, we had a house rented for us and a house full of food and clothing and furniture and it was ongoing for weeks.  The PROBLEM for me was - that by 6am while I was recovering in the hospital, my insurance guy came in with a check (large) to get those things that apparently my church and neighborhood was already donating.

So, I took what was donated, passed forward what was not needed and vowed to always pay it forward to anyone else in that situation.  The food bank is a biggie for me, as well as clothing drives. We had nothing but the clothes on our backs, but only for a short time.

Long long story finally short - take what is given with love and know that you will have a time to pay it forward to someone else.

Excellent response.  Pay it forward. 

Ditto on what everyone said. You have enough on your plate -don't add worry. You did what you could to remedy this. You have had alot to do lately- noone can blame you for not remembering to update everyone. Plus you have a huge deductible and bills to pay.
Remember- people feel good about themselves when they are helping others- allow them the joy of helping you. Its easier said than done but just keep that in mind and when Eric is cured you all can pay it forward to another family in need.

Ok, you didn't listen to me...

I told you to learn to take what people offer.  Learn to say thank you and mean it.  I only wish when Tom was sick and we were so confused, tired, worried, crying etc, I had said yes to the people around me.  You have taken a job, you still have bills to pay, there are lots of things that have gone wrong in your life.  It is not fair.

The only offer I took was to live with my SIL because she was 25 miles closer to the hospital. 

Pay it Forward is something I live with every day now.  I will pay it forward for the rest of my life.  

Remember that people feel helpless in situations like this.  DO NOT deny them the opportunity to heal with you.  Most of them are saying "there but by the grace of God go I."   Be gracious, your turn to help someone else is in the future.

I don't thin kyou have anything to feel bad about.  You didn't tell them he was unemployed, someone else did.  Once you found out, you let them know.  You have bills piling up with pay not coming in some weeks.  You have nothing to feel bad about.  I'm sure they would have done the fundraiser anyway.  Don't stress about it.

Karla