To those that feel offended, don't belong, etc.

Well sweetie I'm glad Liz took you around for hugs, I'd have to spank some hands if they disappointed you, lol.  I'm so glad you had fun and stepped out. 

Yes confidence is SEXY, once that self-esteem and confidence comes it there is a glow that surrounds each of us!

Congrats sweetie, you are doing AWESOME!

hey Julie
Im glad you stepped out of your comfort zone to come on to dinner that night! I didnt see you when you first came in but was glad I finally found you! Thank you for sharing this story and i hope some of the new folks lurking will see it as well!
Im so proud of your success!!!Good for you
Liz

Well I am one of those lurkers not because I am shy but do not speak up unless I have something to say. I came here more for information than anything and have gotten buckets load of that lol. Most everyone seems really friendly and we all have our issues or would not be in the spot we are in the first place. Actually seeing people offended by fat or any other word is kind of silly because they are just words the real issue is that someone tried to hurt your feelings. I get called every name in the book doing my job because everyone think they can do it better. My family is subjected to hearing it. I say that to say you choose to let someone get to you. We all have a choice to be here or not. I choose to be here because I learn so much, mr. social I am not and at 50 probably not going to be. Not one to just go off and share feelings and such not for macho reasons but for emotionally jacked reasons lol. So to those that do not like what someone post then leave it...leave it alone...just let people do what they do. So here I am chiming in because for some reason thi**** a nerve.

Now as far as the lurking goes hey we all do it for one reason or another. I think it is grand that you have the get togethers and have even wanted to attend but something crops up. Never fails. It is an important role for a lot of people to exchange with others in the same boat. I tell my athletes all the time it does not matter where you started but where you wind up. This place is a place of information, comfort, support and a reminder you are not alone (I may fall in that group) and this board plays an important role in many lives. So a way of looking at it is that many live on here and so don't mess it up for everyone else because your day went south. Be supportive even if you disagree. I like how fiesty some of you are and if people were more direct and honest there would be a lot fewer problems. If you don't want it in public send a message, write an email, give them a call, heck rent a gym and fight it out. But when shy lurkers see a bunch of squabbling it just makes them want to stay lurkers or worse go away. Going away would be sad because this is a grand place.

  Okay back to the shadows and my world of lurking and thanks to all of you for keeping this place wonderful source for everyone. It is appreciated. Now where was that shadowy corner...ah there we go..

Beau

Beau, quit hiding in that shadow you have something to offer each of us.  I can see your caring, understanding, wit and knowledge in this post.

I don't recall you posting before, but see you've been an OH member for 3 years.  When did you have surgery, which one and when?  Also where do you live (area)?  If you are in the DFW area, you really should try if time allows to meet up with that WONDERFUL group, they are simply amazing and welcoming.

Stepping out is the first step......then it's history!  I'm sure George and the other guys would love to have a new male at the functions.

ROFL yeah well the shadow has its own merits and advantages. I have posted but not very much at all and probably not as much as I should. I had the gastric bypass in July 09 and have lost around 110 lbs. I do not get on scale much just because that is not what it was about for me. I live in Waxahachie now just moved from the panhandle where I had the surgery done. I have to agree there are some amazing people on here and some incredible life stories. Makes me a real bore LOL. Shy is not the problem just tend not to say anything unless I have something to say or if I am asked. Thanks for the nice words they are appreciated.

Hi Dana -- I feel compelled to respond to your post because it may have been directed at me in the first place, at least in part.

I had posted a few days ago that, after some rejection I experienced at an OH event, I decided I would only be involved in this board online, and that was OK with me -- I still get a lot out of it and occasionally have something to contribute to the discussion.  Kat had shared with me that she had the same sort of experience at the same event.  By posting, I wanted to support her and confirm that she wasn't crazy or weak or lacking in moxie or whatever for feeling the way she did.

I went to the event in question, and went alone, because people posted on this board that nobody should fear going alone -- that arms would be open to everyone, that we would all be smothered with love.  I'm not being sarcastic; I believe that is a direct quote.  Having never been involved in a message board before, I was naive enough to (at least somewhat) believe it.  I DID step outside my comfort zone and tried to initiate several conversations at this event.  I was shut down every time.  This pushed a lot of buttons for me that have already been discussed on this thread, i.e., all those old feelings of rejection because I was fat.  In other words, it felt awful, and I quickly became sorry I had come.  I wondered what was wrong with me in particular, since all the promises that people would be welcoming turned out to be untrue, at least for me.

While I understand your point about "putting oneself out there," etc., that is what I always knew I would hear if I said anything on the board about my awful experience.  Until you've walked in another's shoes, please don't be so quick to discount the possibility that people -- not including you; you weren't there -- really could have shut some doors in another's face.

I am well aware it is not anyone else's obligation to make me feel welcome and comfortable ... UNLESS they swear up and down that they will.  One lesson here may be:  If you are not prepared to welcome people you don't know and include them in your circle of friends, do NOT promise them you will.  It's worse to make a promise like that and fail to follow through than never to make it in the first place.  A failure to honor that promise will make people wonder what is so offensive about them that even the "friendliest" look right through them and don't seem to want to know them.

In response to the post I made a few days ago, one TMB member sent me a PM saying she hoped she had not been one of the people who acted that way, inviting me to lunch, and offering to introduce me to her TMB friends.  I was touched that someone reached out to me in that way.  I deeply appreciate her offer to do something positive to mend fences rather than assuming I was whining about a situation caused by my own failure to "put myself out there."

Cynthia

Cynthia, I'm glad you replied.  No I wasn't there because I would of talked to you.  I don't believe anyone intentionally left you out, I really don't.  I think sometimes we all get overwhelmed and consumed with everyone being there and since some of us know each other from previous conventions we get really excited to see each other again.

I don't get to see many of my OH friends often because of where I live, I really wish I  had the opportunity to live closer and attend more events.  I'm really sorry you felt left out.

I'm happy to see someone sent you a PM asking you to meet up with them and some of the other folks.  Seriously consider doing that.  A small group get-together I'm sure will be very fun for you and them. Being able to talk and share in a small setting will help you and them learn a little about each other.

Cynthia, I really didn't do this to put anyone on the spot.  From past experience there have been some people that made snide comments toward the TMB about feeling left out.  I just don't believe anyone intentionally does that, I really don't. 

At the past OH convention there were remarks that our "clique" left some people out when many of us got together to take pictures with Mary Jo and Dr. Garth, that was not the case.  Many OH members came and joined in the picture, it wasn't by invitation only......we started with two or three of us asking Mary Jo to take a picture and before it was over there were probably close to 20 of us in the picture.  I was very frustrated when this occurred, why?  Because those that complained had every right to come and join in, I nor any of the others needed to go drag them to participate. They needed to jump in like everyone else did.

I'm going to share something that I've only talked to a couple about.  When I went to Stephanie's BBQ in 2008 I stayed with Loralea and her family.  Liz also stayed with us.  When we got to Steph's house I got really, really quiet and started crying.  I was afraid to get out of the car, and I had met allot of the people there but many I was meeting for the first time.  For some reason I had doubts about ME that day, I don't know why.....I tended to sit back for several hours and talked to just a few that I felt comfortable around.  Several people asked me what was wrong, I didn't say anything because I didn't know why I felt that way.  Crazy, yes because those people there were all accepting and so friendly.

Ok back to you, please take up the person that PMed you and go make friends!  This group is a family, I believe once you meet them in person you will see how great each of them are.  Hopefully I'll have the opportunity to meet you one also too.

Hugs,

cynthia,

It sounds to me like your one on one lunch with the TMB PMer might be the better way for you to feel comfortable and meet other people slowly.  Start with her and then maybe one or two more folks, then there is a common bond and connection and safety net for you.

I realize now that before I took that leap and drove 250 miles for dinner almost three years ago, I had established a connection with Charlene and Sara and Gina.  So when Emm and I walked in there literally out of the blue, there was instant recognition and acceptance.

I do hope you find that connection and it works for you this way. We are not evil people and quite honestly, I stick with what I know and whom I know. So it is much easier to hang with them, then to step over and introduce myself IRL. 

I don't think you were the person that the post was referring to, but honestly, I don'tknow if I was at the event you were or not. If I was, I do apologize.  And I still remember your offer to give Emm her books, although in our harried trip, I just simply forgot. Another apology due.

I will say again, we have to remember that the only thing we ALL have in common is weightloss surgery.  Finding the other common threads are a bit harder to recognize.

I basically only have one point to make about this whole discussion.  Not everyone can and will be friends.  We all have WLS in common and from that point forward, you have to find WHAT ELSE you have in common with people.  If I didn't come up and welcome you with open arms I might of decided that you and I probably don't have a lot in common.  I am 54 years old and love life.  I'm very outgoing, talkative and love to have fun.  If you are shy, quiet and reserved we're not going to have mu*****ommon.  It's OK that we're not all friends.  LIKE people gravitate towards LIKE people.  I can tell you from being on this board and reading posts who are the witty people and who are the shy people.  ME, I pick the witty ones as my friends whereas you might prefer the quieter more serious people.  Either way, no one's right and no one's wrong.  Try to strike up conversations with those whom you believe you have something in common with or better yet send them a PM prior to the next event and meet them outside so you can walk in together.  But I do agree with Dana it is YOUR responsibility to reach out and I'll bet that someone will reach back.