Let the poisoning commence!

Ever have one of those days where you're SURE what you're living is a dream and the horrible nightmare it had become would end? 

Yesterday was that day.

I went in prepared to fight for chemo to start if I had to. I was pleasantly surprised I didn't need to. Within an hour of getting there we had been approached by a resident that chemo would be starting today and that the lead doctor would be in shortly to talk about treatment, etc. Dr. Rutherford is this amazingly bright oncologist originally from from New Zealand (her accent was like music - hard to explain) and she answered every question that I had. Questions were plentiful. Lets just say I tend to go in with both guns blazing so I think I startled her with the amount of questions and type of questions I had. Having an HCG level of 57,000 I asked her if she believed Eric would need more than the first round of 4 sets of chemo. Fair question. The higher the HCG the longer it takes to come down and the worse the cancer is. So she said point blank, yes, more than likely we're looking at numerous rounds of chemotherapy. I'm just glad I knew what to ask. Amazing what the internet can do for you, right? Gives you an opportunity to learn and know what to ask and to be prepared. But on the flip side it could hurt you if you followed it as medical advice.

So chemo's going to start in a matter of hours. Ok. Wow. Wait. Oh my God. Chemo is going to start in a matter of hours. Before the end of the day my husband is going to start treatment that can cause possibly numerous complications, become immunosuppressed (so seeing his kid often is out of the question for the time being), and be poisoned. This moment of my life was UGLY. I got infuriated. I got depressed. I got overwhelmed. I got ecstatic. All at the same time. Talk about misfiring synapses. My brain could not compute the gravity of this. So I stormed out. He doesn't need to see me meltdown. He KNOWS I melted down - but he didn't need to see it. So I left. I walked and cried and called Debbi (thank you Deb) and then my mom. It was weird going from "he better get chemo" to "#!&#&^^% he's getting chemo".

So we wait. We wait and we wait and we wait. They're mixing it downstairs as we speak. "Ok Mr. Richter, we're going to start a fast saline drip" and it goes from swip durrrrrrrrrr every 30 seconds to swip durr, swip durr, swip durr, swip durr. The sound is deafening and fills my brain. I find distraction in conversation. Beep beep. Saline drip ends. Crap. That means it's coming. They bring in the pre-medicine that helps with nausea. Ok - about 30 more minutes. My heart beats, my feet tap, my body aches. I sigh and feel the clock behind me ticking down the seconds. Beep. I guess it's time. We call the nurse, she brings it in. I ask her if it's a common reaction if people ask her if this was all a great big joke and we can go home and she says yeah, it is. I sit on the bed and hold Eric's hand. She attaches it to the pole and it goes slow motion from there. She cleans the port site thingy (why yes that is the technical term) and attaches it. Slowly she starts the medicine and I watch as it snakes itself though the tube and into my lovers body. There's no going back now. I sigh internally. A sigh of relief or dread? I don't know.

So we have an hour of this one, then another two hours of another after this one with a bag of saline in between. Swip durr. Swip durr. Swip durr. The sound is not so deafening anymore. Eric's dinner comes and he finishes every single bite. This is HUGE folks. He hasn't been able to eat. So he eats his baby vomit over rice (a.k.a beef tips) and I realize that right this second, it's not that bad. I'm watching for signs of nausea, ready to jump in and pull a Shirley MacLaine from Terms of Endearment. There is none. He's laughing and spitting straw wrappers at his mom. He starts making TC jokes. I'm having a "ball". I'm "nuts" over chemo. Wait - aren't you supposed to be miserable and on the verge of spontaneous combustion or something? He's normal and the dimples on his cheeks are back because he's smiling. I can't believe it. It just proves that fear of the unknown is worse than the actual treatment itself. Does that mean he'll forever not deal with side effects of chemo? Not likely. But today he didn't. And today is all that matters.

So 4 more days to go (and hopefully come home next week on Wed maybe?) with additional treatment on days 9 and 16, then start over with 5 days, etc on day 22. So got that? 21 day cycles of chemo - 5 days, then day 9, then day 16. For four cycles. Then we retest tumor markers. I know he's going to need more chemo after this round but I'm confident it's going to be cured in the long run. This man, who managed to save my life by teaching me I had self worth simply by loving me, is destined for far greater things than being a cancer victim. He is a survivor. And I am a survivor too.

Much love,

Jenny

The bright side is the cemo is started and killing those ugly cancer cells, God is good and hearing our prayers.  The scary part is worry, fear that Eric gets sick and you don't want to see it because you love him so very much.  You are in good hands with the doctors, they have been given their special talent to heal.  Keep asking questions, it's your right to know what to expect.

So happy to hear he was able to eat.  Glad to know Deb was there when you needed her yesterday; along with everyone else we'll continue to be here for you whether there in person or from afar.

I'm a believer Jenny, and I have faith that God will bring Eric through this.  Keep your spirits up and believe.  You will both be survivors!

Love you,
Dana

Touching...wow Jenny I'm so impressed with your ability to put into words your feelings.  Eric is one lucky man to have you in his corner.

Girl - I don't know how you just typed all that out!  I had to stop three times reading it to stop myself from tearing up.

You and Eric both seem to have a handle on this ******* disease. 

Hang in there, sweets.  You know we're all here when you need us, well, really we're all here all the time, but especially when you need us!

Your ability for words is just amazing..................YOU ARE STRONG and YOU CAN HELP ERIC THROUGH ALL OF THIS...........JUST REMAIN STRONG.......BE PREPARED FOR YOU AND YOUR NEEDS TOO...........(FOODS, SNACKS - ETC)........................

OMG - I just learned more about chemo than I ever had...........thank you for the visual:
So he eats his baby vomit over rice (a.k.a beef tips)  while i'm eating breakfast.  

Now that I'm eating breakfast -  homemade sausage gravy and canned biscuits...........your "visual" probably kept me from eating too much !!!    Gosh - I luv you girly !!   You certainly have a way with words........................Now I"m gonna share that biscuit and gravy with my puppy..........

Please call me if you need to vent    469-417-0154    I'm there for you in a heartbeat..........
Do I need to come up to where you are and take you away for 30 min ?????  more or less ????

 

I hear in your words, all the emotions I dealt with when Tom was sick.  I understand the confusion, the joy and the pain of watching your husband fight.

Those meltdown**** at the strangest times, and let them come.  They make you stronger.  If you need a shoulder, I am here.  Not many of us have a faced this kind of demon, but we all know how to fight for what we love.

Pour yours words out, let us hear what is in your heart.  It got me through so very much to let the TMB help me through the nightmare.

Remember you are loved, keep a journal, and lean on us.
Much love
Que

wow what a way w words. I knew you were talenteed but had no idea what a talented writer you are as well. Lean on us, we  are here. You are all survivers.Will miss you tonite, meltdown when you need to.  Dont forget to take care of you in this too.
Call  anytime!
Liz

My keyboard is wet with tears..........I'm so glad he has you.....and you have him......I don't know what to say, but I wanted to say I'm praying for you guys....and I'm just so sorry your going through this.....

And you should really look into a future with literature........your a really good writer...

Much love and prayers for ya'll

Oh Man....your words have brought tears. I hope never to have to go through it myself but I do appreciate your putting it all into words so I can understand the journey.

I'm keeping you and Eric in my prayers and hope to meet you both one day.

Oh Jenny, honey. I am so saddened to hear about Eric. My heart is so full of love for your family. I will be praying every day for all of you. Keep writing your feelings down, sweetie. You need to get it out, and it will help you and everyone *****ads your loving words. God bless.