Regain paranoia

I believe this particular thread is miraculous so I hope everyone involved won't mind me posting the link because I need to put this is my blog where hopefully it can be shared by many others that aren't lucky enough to be part of the TMB and it's infinite wisdom.  That's why I do that blog and my you tube and the Weight Loss Surgery Channel and Feel Better Network and whatever else I've forgotten.  There is such great wisdom to be shared and it shouldn't matter where it comes from and just like the TV or the radio, you can change the channel if you don't like what you see but everyone should be open to as much education as they can get wherever they can get it. 

You said something very important.  There is no luck involved and I too know that I will continue to do this thing because the way I look at it is that the effort I make each day is hard but not as hard as it was at 260 pounds...doing the same damn diet every day, the insanity of doing it over and over and over and expecting a different outcome.  I cannot go back, I will not go back because I just cannot.  You are truly an inspiration and for me I take a few minutes every morning and say "thank you, thank you for delivering me from the person I was on 3/30/01 and I will NEVER FORGET that day, and I won't ever be that person again."
This would be that day.


And because of OH, I have a permanent record of my post the day before.
http://www.obesityhelp.com/member/silverkatt/blog/action,com ments/blog_post_id,35904/

It's a little like reading your homework from grade school when I read those posts.  I'm grateful I did them and grateful I took pictures.  These images are forever burned into my memory and I truly believe that it is very important to visualize myself at 80 years old, wrinkled and thin.  I'll probably have to buy my hair at that point and there's no telling what they'll have available then!  This is my life now and even though I don't ever totally relax, I feel confident because I have su*****redible, inspirational people to communicate and learn from.  Thank you for being part of my life because it has made a difference to me and so many others.
hugs, Y

I'm so very glad you posted this because it finally helped me figure out how to explain a lot of what I've been trying to say.  Since I've been around a long time I've seen so many members at so many weights and I loved them no matter what they weighed.  I loved seeing them come in with so much hope and I've offered my hand in support and tried to share whatever I could to help...never knowing if what I offer makes a difference or if it even helps.  The first year is so important to change but it's never too late to go at it again.  Our disease has so much shame attached that when members regain some feel so much shame and that hurts me because that's not the way it should be.  If we were on a cancer support board and someone got cancer again we wouldn't "blame" the person for anything.  I don't believe anyone blames anyone... but the person that regains, beats themselves up.  It breaks my heart and all I can do is keep coming back and keep sharing. 

I want to share some things about me and some things about some types of thinking,  Because I have been at goal for so long I have known for some time that some members think my life is perfect.  Technically if I were to sit on a therapists couch I'm sure I'd be labeled a "sick puppy".  I am not a lot different from a bulimic that "controls" her life by purging.  I control my weight because I made a deal with myself that as long as I can stay at a certain weight I can handle everything else in my life.  That's not exactly healthy.  I cannot allow myself to eat like most everyone else because if I go all into the diet cook books and fix all that stuff, I'll eat too much so for ME I have to keep it as boring as I can because we HAVE to eat.  If I eat things that are too good it because becomes a sexual experience for me and makes it easier to use food to self medicate.  My guilty pleasure was quarter pounders with cheese and I found out that after I wasn't under goal long enough to eat one that I forgot why I loved them so much.  If I were to go and eat one again, the craving would be remembered and it would be just like crack. Craving instantly remembered and it would be back on my radar.  I look at them as something I cannot have, it is evil and it will hurt me.  Back to the post called "I can do hard things"....I can do hard things.  Do I screw up?? Absolutely.  I was sure I had the flu a couple of days ago...maybe I'm still fighting it and when I'm that sick I'm probably going to eat something I don't usually eat.  (Notice I did not say something I "shouldn't" eat).  We have to quit the blame/shame/guilt/judgment crap.  I ate TWO grilled cheese sandwiches and did not dump.  Big fat, HUGE with tons of cheese and butter and even though I didn't feel so hot, I was able to eat it and keep it down.  That told me that my stoma is stretched and I'm pretty much normal....but that's all I asked for wasn't it?  To be normal....whatever that is.    I did not beat myself up and I knew that tomorrow was another day and I won't do it again for a while.  I have changed my relationship with food and I do the best I can every day.  I am not perfect, my life is not perfect but this is the deal I made with myself.  I just know that I don't self medicate if I don't feel like crap and see everything as crap. I also don't self medicate if I get out of my head and get somewhere online or at an event and help someone else.  I have to fight my stinkin thinkin to get out there because I know some women don't like me because I've kept it off.  I have to make a choice to get out there and help someone and take some crap while I am and hope that making a difference to someone in a good way will overcome anything unkind that flows my way.

I see so many WLSers say things like "when I was eating and doing everything PERFECTLY" as a bad way to look at it because that means that every time we don't eat exactly like we are supposed to, we attach some anger to that word "perfect".  No one is perfect....ever...  I could give you a whole laundry list of unperfect things about my life but I don't need to give them any more power over me than they already have and frankly this is way too long already.

I feel compassion for each person here trying to keep their life together.  I'm here to help but we have a disease and it's a serious disease that can be controlled if we work on doing hard things.  Beating ourselves up or fighting with each other just makes it harder than it already is.  All I can say is that I have the greatest of hope and I wish that some of the members here loved themselves as much as I love them.  We have even lost some of our members to death because of this struggle and I worry each time I see search on my blog for "WLS and suicide".   When I see others cross addict I pray for them just as hard and hope they make it out alive. 

I'm sorry this is a little jumbled but I'm still sorta sick...I mean physically...

I am a sick puppy folks....but I work on it every day and I hope to help others work on it every day too.  This is a forever thing.  I know I will never be totally safe from the possibility of regain but I hope that the work I've put into this recovery will continue as it has.  I need support too and it's the times that we fight over silly stuff that makes me want to run for the food so that's why I tend to disappear sometimes when it gets tough here.  Just doing every day what I need to do pretty much takes most of my energy and whatever is left over is used for trying to pass along some life experience to share with others.   Thanks for talking about this....it's not  a dirty secret...it's just something else we beat ourselves up for.  If everyone could remember that I loved them at any weight they ever were, they would know my intentions are always good and I'm still here just trying to figure out what that one little thing is that I might say that might help someone "click" on what their answersmight  need to be.
much love to all, Y

As a 6-year veteran, as well as a Registered Dietitian who works with WLS patients, I think it's smart to have a healthy fear of regain. I've seen friends and patients regain lost weight (and have experienced some regain myself which I've had to address).  Some people regain weight because there is a mechanical problem with their surgery.  Unfortunately many regain weight because they never learned to eat healthy food. These are the ones my current pre-op patients tell me they work with and they watch them eat junk food. Others never addressed the psychological problems that may have led to weight gain in the first place.

None of the surgeries are foolproof.

One of the surgeons I work with recently did an X-ray of my pouch and we watched the barium go through the pouch very quickly. He mentioned that my stoma was rather large. He said if I gained I would be a candidate for a revision. I told him  the only reason I haven't regained is I work my butt off in the gym.

As many have said, none of us eat or exercise perfectly. But there needs to be a balance of mostly healthy habits with a few slips off the wagon.

It's interesting that I see this post the day after I spent last evening eating a five-course meal at the Mansion in Dallas. I guarantee that if I ate all the time the way I did last night, I would definitely be back to 293#!! I enjoyed that meal, but this whole next week I will be eating healthy but tasty, high-quality food, as well as doing my regular exercise routine.

Lorelei, you are smart to maximize the "honeymoon period" by eating healthy and exercising regularly. You will likely do fine long-term if you keep that up.

The benefit of these types of support sites is we can learn from others who have gone before us, and we can help each other and support each other when we're experiencing difficulty.

Excellent topic!

PS---I'm adding this note because much of what I said sounded like regain is inevitable. It isn't. I know many patients who have maintained their loss quite well. It's just important not to get complacent over time and take that success for granted.

Thanks Connie, and by the way...you are a most excellent dinner partner.  What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas....

LOL, Yvonne!!!! I was definitely in "foodie" mode that night, too!!

Well so much for DSers not regaining ..  or having the lowest regain ..   I lost 210 pounds the first 10 months ..  Over the last year or so (3 years out now) I'm up 30 or so pounds from my lowest ..   

  I would say, from looking at the past year's Texas events pics, it's a safe bet that many TMBers and even OH leaders have had some regain of late, sadly ..  
 
  It's a reality for many of us ..