Regarding struggling

I've been struggling since yesterday because of reading about others struggling.  It hurts my heart and my first reaction is to jump in and help.  I don't want to repeat anything I've already said because I figure you've probably heard it and maybe I'm not really getting some things properly communicated.  There is an excellent post from the RNY board that I'd like to share.  Shari is the poster and she said some things in a way that I couldn't. I put one of the paragraphs in red because to me it is the most important part.  When we have triggers it is because we don't want to feel something and if we choose not to feel it, we have to self medicate.  You work on avoiding the things that really upset you OR reset how you think and feel about it.  Here's one of mine.  When I see the people yelling and screaming at the town hall meetings I have to change the channel because if I sit in the hurt that I'm seeing on TV, I will reoffend.  There is so much info these days...so much hurt in the world that we see 24/7 between CNN and the internet.  If you can avoid some of that stuff until you get on better footing (or maybe avoid it mostly forever) you will be better able to deal with things.  I don't think the human brain was meant to hear so much bad stuff all the time!  Life in general can be hard but there's no reason to hang around places or expose yourself to things over and over that you know will upset you.  The link to the post is below and under that is her entire post.  I hope it helps....my heart is breaking for those who are struggling and I just hope this helps a little.
hugs Y

http://www.obesityhelp.com/forums/rny/3996832/If-you-never-r ead-another-piece-of-unsolicited-advice/#32335795

I've had some success-- I suppose I can admit as much at this point, although it feels weird. So now I get a lot of people who PM asking for advice, or saying they look up to me, and flattering though that is, it's silly, because I pretty much just follow the rules (okay, the ones that make sense) and it all comes out in the wash. So I usually don't have much to add when people ask how you get where I have gotten, there's no great mystery: the reason I have been successful in some ways that others have failed I usually pass off as luck.

But that's not entirely true. I just realized it. There actually *is* one more piece, and because I love ya, I am going to share it with you now. Sounds trifling, but it contains volumes.

Here it is: YOU CAN do hard things.

I know, you're saying, "What's your point?"

Sometimes, when faced with a challenge-- especially if you're a recovering addict as so many of us are, when you approach something difficult, your inner voice says, "Holy crap-- I can't DO that"...and you do an about-face-- you reach for the drug (or Ring Ding) of choice. To feel uncomfortable..and not to comfort yourself, is a hard thing --

but you can do hard things.

When it's late and you're tired, and you know you are supposed to walk, you said you would, and it's looking like it might rain-- it's hard as hell to lace those sneakers up and get out there---

but you can do hard things.

Protein shakes can taste yucky. It's hard to remember all those calcium supplements. It's hard to get 64 oz of water in. It's hard to plan meals, buy expensive and healthy choices, stay out of the cake in the lounge at work--

but you can do hard things.

You don't have to self-medicate. You don't have to eat those chips. You don't have to duck and avoid every unpleasant, difficult challenge in your path. Sometimes, the best bet is to admit their existance..."Yes, hard things, I see you trying to get in my way, but you know what? I CAN DO HARD THINGS!"

Sometimes this means having to survive a host of feelings you never felt before because you never let yourself feel them before-- stress, confusion, anger, rage. You can't numb them out or sand off their edges-- you have to stand right in your space and let them have a go at you-- and grit your teeth, and say to yourself, "Go ahead, get in my way. I'll get through this. I can do hard things."

And you will find that you will survive them. And as you survive them, you will face new ones, standing a little taller, because in time you will eventually understand and rely on the fact that you can do hard things. And eventually the "pass me some Ben and Jerry's--my boss is a jackass" response gives way to something new-- something that sounds more like this:

"Go ahead, Boss, bring it on. I'll have that on your desk by five."
"No thanks, Nancy, it's gorgeous but I really can't have an eclair right now."
"I guess I could just park back there and walk."
"It's only 8 ounces and I don't have to love the stuff, I'll just drink it quickly."
"If I spend ten minutes planning now, I won't be faced with tough choices later."

Post RNY living is no joke. It's not easy. It's not fun. It's not all "Whee, I'm a size 6!" Not everyone takes it as badly as I did, but there were days I *literally* cried because a kid at a store could have a cookie and I couldn't. I felt sorry for myself and holed up in my jammies, burning candles, and chatting here to avoid my fridge.

When I started, I could literally not walk further than my car, which is about 100 feet from my door. I bargained with myself that getting down to maybe 250 pounds would be JUST FINE, I didn't need more than that because I though to ask more from myself was ridiculous, impossible-- who the hell loses 220 pounds? That's not even humanly possible, seriously!

And I found out the answer to who does that : it's ME. *I* can lose 220 pounds-- I know it because I *did* it . I can manage my intake. I can get in my supplements. I can learn to accept my new, imperfect body. And with planning and management, I can make a post op life that still provides pleasure, joy and fulfillment.

I and I don't do those things because they are easy-- I do them because they're hard, but I *can*.
I can do hard things.

And so can you. And you will. So the next time it's all too much (and it is for me too, although less often as I grow), look your RNY challenge-- whatever it is--- boldy in the face and say, "I can do this. I can do hard things."

Then pull out all the stops and grab the brass ring-- it's there for the taking!

Wow, Yvonne!  I love this post and kudos to her for keeping it real and putting it out there like that. 

This is SO on target with where I am right now.  And as strong, bossy, stubborn (whatever name you want to put on it) that I am, there are still those days where I feel like that kid she describes.  I forget for a short amount of time just how strong I am and I allow that stinkin-thinkin to creep back into my life.  That negative self talk is sneaky and as soon as my guard is down it found a way in and started to multiply like a darn virus. 

In addition to my protein and leafy green Wednesday, I am openly commiting - righthere and right now -  to start practicing positive self talk TODAY.  I'm not waiting one single second longer.  I have a post-it right here and I'm writing "Yes, I can!" on it and pasting it on my monitor as a constant reminder of where my attitude will be today.

Thanks!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! LOVE IT!! It is truly my biggest demon.  That's why I have to start the day ahead of the stinkin' thinkin' and EVEN with that, the negative self talk still knocks at my door 24/7.  TWENTY FOUR SEVEN.  The talk I'm doing at OH is all about self talk and what causes us to go there.  It will be way different than anything I've done before.  I believe that if we don't start reprogramming our thinking and believe that we CAN DO IT, that the crappy stinkin' thinkin' will win.  I am also very stubborn and I'll be damned if I let it win...just for today.  That's all you have to do....just today, just today, just today.  Don't worry about 300 years into the future.  "You mean I have to do this forever???"  No, just today...

 WOW.....Yvonne...I stand in amazement !!!!  That is the attitude that we ALL should have.   I have always hated challenges....but trust me....I am printing this up and it is going on my fridge !!!   I know I can do HARD THINGS !!!!  Keeping the weight off is one of the HARDEST things that I have EVER done in my entire 56 yrs of living.  This is a demon that I am battling daily.   Trust me....I pray that THIS will help me.   Please PM that precious lady who posted this on the RNY board and tell her Thank you for me.   Love you so much and thank you so very very much for loving us all enough to post this !!!



Hugs and blessings ~~ Vivian

Thanks Yvonne, this is something that I can use even tho still pre-op. And still soaking all the info I can, this is what I needed to read today.
I am under lots of stress at this time, and dont need it. But I guess sometimes thats what kids are for (even tho mine is grown).

I've been so worried about you....my brother had the same problem as your daughter.  It took a long time and a lot of tough love.  Funny thing is...they told me that addiction ran in families very often and I told them I never abused drugs....Oh....there would be food though...
Bless your heart...I wish I could help you sweetie.
hugs, Y

Thank you Yvonne for keeping me in your thoughts. I called my mentor while ago and talked to him,(he is a police officer) he and I chatted about the things that are going on, and he told me to call if I needed him again, he has been a blessing in disguise (uniform lol).
I used to smoke pot, but never done any hard drugs but once, didnt like it, so I am Just Meee, living day to day in the minefield of life. If someone told me there was never any drama in their life, I would reply "nobody's perfect". 
I believe things will work theriselves out with my daughter in good time, she just has to conquer her mind. As I myself know it is easy for some, and near impossible for others. Depends on their drug of choice.
***Huggs***

This is beautiful and made me cry.  I do believe in myself usually, then occasionally a pend in the road just drives me to crazy thinking.

I'm printing "I can do this, I can do hard things" and putting in everywhere.  When I get the poor me, what next....I'm tired....why me.....when does it stop......CRAP I need to focus on the good things in life BECAUSE I am fortunate to have the life I have, friends and family I have, job and home.

Looking through the glass today and going forward as ALWAYS half full, because I CAN.

Thanks Yvonne, you truly know when to be there for me.

Love you lady!

Been worried about you too lady.  Just know that "I" believe in you....and think of all the people that do too.  Yet we so often don't allow ourselves to even think the tiniest bit of the same about ourselves.  Instead we worry about what others will think.  We so need to love and support each other and talking about the times we fall is when we most need to gather the troops and not only support each other but look for the next best plan of action.  Planning is so important...from what we are going to eat for the day to how we will react when the bad parts come along and realize they happen so that we can grown and learn.  We cannot appreciate the highs without the lows...I understand that, don't particularly like that part either BUT I know that "this too shall pass" and learn to let it go....let it go and dust my butt off and begin again.  I know that all you can see is that weight...but you said something so important.  You have life and friends and family and a job and an income.  Fight for it girl because I know YOU CAN DO HARD THINGS.  You've been doing it forever...you just need to be reminded that you can.
Love you right back!

Although I am a terminable lurker, I just want to share my thoughts on struggle. It's gonna be long cause I've got a lot I have to say.

There will always be struggle with success. Anything worth doing should have some aspect of difficulty because it makes the reward even more bittersweet. Do we LIKE struggle? No. Easy peasy mac and cheesy is much better. But like Shari shared, we can do hard things and we just have to learn to appreciate them for what they are.

I went into this new phase of my life completely prepared to fail. My modus operandi for life has always been "hold yourself more accountable than anyone else, like yourself less than everyone else, and remind yourself you're crap, cause well, you are crap." Can you imagine living like that? No wonder I eventually weighed over 400 pounds! But I didn't have ANY ill conceived notions going into WLS that I was going to be the best patient ever for the rest of my life. I have way too many years invested in self sabotage to let a handful of post-op years become commonplace for my crazy head and how I handle things. 

I guess I've learned I have shortcomings, which can be overcome if I take the time to work on them, or if not, then at least recognize them for what they are. Knowing my wiring is faulty to the extreme helps me realize I'm not going to be normal. For a long time I felt broken because I never thought I'd be anywhere near normal. You know - that Utopian "normal" that everyone dreams of? Well, I call bull**** It doesn't exist. What you have is what you have, so make the best with what ya got. What a crappy return of investment, huh? I know I craved normalcy but with life there will always be something to upset the apple cart. Something that makes my crazy head want to eat. Eat and eat and eat and eat and eat. Unpaid bills or a sick pet or a dying parent or my kids school or...or....or.... the list is endless. There's no such thing as normal. There is only hard work and determination to be as ideal as you can be, I suppose. As a sidenote, I have no problem wishing lucky Utopian normies who are always skipping with skinny waggle-free legs and smiling perfectly straight teeth trip while skipping through Utopia and chip one.

Long story short, you are who you are. Bring on the struggle I say. At least with struggle comes growth! I would rather claim imperfection and struggle then still have my head in the sand about what makes me tick. WHY do you struggle? I sure know what makes me struggle. An endless ability to dislike myself enough to not bother following the rules. That's it. It all boils down to not liking myself enough to find the strength to continue the effort to do what needs to be done. Endless, folks. Always present. Tapping me on the shoulder to remind me it's always there saying "You're not worth it" and "You're a loser so why bother" and the ever standard "who cares anyway?". But at least I recognize it! Tap me on the the shoulder all you like, today I choose not to listen.

Just know you're stronger than you think. Struggle doesn't have to be a bad thing if you choose to see it for what it is. A flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all. Take struggle and turn it around to benefit you, not harm you. And if all else fails and you feel at the end of your rope, please AT LEAST recognize that admitting struggle is the first step to dealing with it.

Jenny