Beginning to be okay...

I thought if I held everything inside that it would be all okay..
I believed that if I didn't let anyone in that I would be okay...
I pretended that I was okay so that everything would be okay...

What I learned was that everything was not okay, and that I was hurting myself. I thought that if I didn't feel then it would be better... I thought I brought all the pain and hurt in my life upon myself and I didn't deserve happiness in my 'personal' life especially because I let me eating disorder suck me into the viscious cycle of my addiction.

I'm learning ALOT about me and how to manage my Eating Disorder...

Am I a hypocrit? Nope, everyone has their own struggles and I'm working on mine. I've learned a lot about my triggers, managing them, recognizing them, but most importantly I am DOING something about mine...

This is a everyday struggle that I will face for my entire life.... I may relapse-- but it is not the end of the world. I may beat myself up, but I will know how to get up and give myself permission to move forward and not dwell.

These things I am LEARNING....

There are steps: you have to first see what is really happening, take responsibilty and accountability, ask for help, gather the tools to overcome, implement the tools/skills you learn, and trust yourself that you can do this-- believe in yourself... You might have thoughts and it's okay... It's HOW you react/respond to those thoughts that will determine your behaviors-- those are my choices.

I have to "get out of my head and in front of my nose".... 

My 'head' are the negative voices and thoughts that my eating disorder wants me to buy into because it NEEDS me. I use to believe that I needed it that it was my only friend, it made me feel better.... It hates the fact that I am beginning to RECOVER... I'm just in the beginning steps....

I may seem like I am taking two steps back on some days, but the next I will need to move forward.