possible new passion - opinions needed AND welcomed

Becky, I am kind of in the same situation as you are, except I am not adopted and I have recently found my father. Him and my mom had an affair when he was married and shorty after I was born me and mom moved back to texas. I grew up ****il I was about 7) thinking that my moms ex husband was my dad, until she told me when I was 7. It was not until recently that I wanted to know more and my mom wasnt offering much up. In october I decided to take it upon my self to go on one of those people searches and find him, If I knew his name so it wasnt to hard, I found a business search on him which gave me his  Email, phone number, and work address. I held this information for some months, my mom wasnt doing anything so I decided to file for child support on him. That was taking a really long time so I sent him an email and basically told him about me and such. I expected his response but was hoping that he would want differently. He told me" Corina

I did get your email Monday but it was not untill I received a call from the Austin dept of child welfare that I believed these emails were intended for me. After 16 years the last thing you would expect is to have a child that you did not know anything about.

So where do I Start?

First of all it sounds like your mother has done a terrific job of raising you. I do appreciate the work that you have done to try and Find out alittle about me. I do not really know what to say or do at this point. I have not had any sleep since Monday when I got the call from child services. I have not had a chance to speak with anyone there because when they called I was on the phone and when I called back the lady that called was not in the office.

Corina, I want try and Explain how I feel and where I am coming from concerning this.

As you know it has been some 16 years since Jackie and I were around each other. I was going through a difficult time with my marriage and your mom and I made a very bad mistake. I am certain that your mother would agree with that. It is remarkable that she has done such a terrific job of raising you and keeping you grounded as well as it seems you are. You two obviously have a very close relationship and are able to discuss what went on between she and i. I hope she has explained to you that what happend between she and I was not the right thing to do. Now 15 Years later much has changed and out of the blue I get an email from a young lady wondering about her father. I wish I could Tell you that this was great news and I would love to see you and get to know you but I can't.
My life is so different now, I have two boys with my wife and I am no longer a young man drifting around looking for someone to have a relationship with. I have tried to raise my boys to not make the kind of mistakes i have, as I am sure your mother has done with you. I can't stand the thought of having to look my kids in the eye and explain this to them and I certainly don't know how to tell my wife that I may have a daughter that is 15 years old.

Corina, if what you have put in your letter to me is truly how you feel and you are not looking destroy my family then I believe for everyone involved it would Be best to keep things as they have been For The past 15 years. I will now know that you are out there and you have a mother that loves you and has raised you to be a terrific young lady.

Tony "
I was so so hurt that I cried for a few hours. Rejection really does hurt, I wanted him to want me, I cant say that i would have rather not known that, The curiousity was eating me alive it was consuming my life, for weeks it was all I would think and dream about.

Basically I think you should do it. I think you should do watever it takes to find what your looking for. But be prepared for everything, because I didnt think him not wanting to get to know me would hurt me as bad as it did, because I did not know him, but it really did hurt me alot .

Good luck.


Corina.

If you would like to see the rest of the emails I have them saved, just so you get an ideal.

Corina,

My heart just hurts for you.  I guess that's why I have never tried to pursue this.  I think your father loves you and he cares.. But he is scared and this is quite a reality check.

please give him some time and don't take what he says as the forever truth.  His mind could change.  let it settle a bit.

Sending some hugs to you and from Emma too!

I really dont want his money I dont it was my moms ideal. I just followed through with it. I dont think he loves me, he doesnt know me, I said what I said to him and I think he used flattery as a way for me to keep his secret a secret. I dont want to break up his family I want to be apart of it, I want to know my half brothers I always wanted a brother. I dont think he will change his mind, he used flattery but he didnt even know the truth, my mom and I arent close and I would hardly call what she did raising me. I want him to save me and take me back to Georgia, I think he has his mind set and I just have to deal with it.

OMG, girl, my heart is pounding.  I have absolutely no frame of reference to help you.  All I can say is, if she looked for you, maybe you should look for her.

I know some peeps who have given up a baby and I can honestly say they are open to the possibility of a child finding them.  Then my heart is saying no, don't do it.  Why put yourself out there?

It could be good, it could be bad, but we will be here for you either way.

Que,

thanks so much for your support.  it might be something I never really do, but I also want to know why my heart and head is thinking about it so much.

I know that no matter what I decide, I got all of your support and love and that make whatever I do so much easier.

A little story of how adoption has touched MY life.

Many of you know or have heard me talk about my nephew Jon and his family.  His boys, Chase and Cade, are the "grandkids" I will never have.  Jon always knew he was adopted, he has known since he was old enough to understand it (about 7 or 8 yo, I think).  When he turned 21, he received a letter from his birth mom.  He and my sister and BIL talked about it and invited his birth Mom to come to ABQ to meet, which she did.  He found out about his medical history, met his birth grandparents, discovered that his birth father never wanted to know anything about him and he respected that.  Over the last 17 years, he has met his half-sister and developed a rather tenuous relationship with all of them.  All this being said, he still has contact with his "other" family and it has been OK.  It answered a lot of questions for him and provided him with information that he had been curious about, especially with starting a family of his own. 

Like being a member of this extended family, which is the only thing I can relate it to, he takes what he needs from the relationship and leaves the rest.  There have been good and bad things.  I know other adoptees who have had wonderful relationships with their birth parents and half-siblings and others who have experienced heartbreak.  But all in all, most have received the answers they needed to find.  I don't know if this helps or not, but is my experience.  I hope that whatever you decide to do, you find what you need, for both yourself and for Emm. 

Hugs and smooches my lil' central TX buddy,  I miss you so much!!!!
Mari

Mari,

I miss you so much too.  And i'm so glad you love me even though I ripped your finger open with a staple.. oops should I have reminded you? lol

It seems every story is different and sheds a whole new light on what could happen and what is important to each person.

thank you for telling me Jon's story to me.  I might even let Emm read all the different stories and see how she feels.

i PLAN to see you in September chickie!  We can be roomies, k?

YES!!!!!! 

Staple story is much less important than the smash my face into the sidewalk, broken nose and bleeding like a stuck pig story!!!

You might have to do a drive by at the airport at DFW, to get me when I get there, on your way in!

I AM COMING-I WILL BE THERE!  NOTHING WILL INTERFERE WITH THIS ONE!!!!!  I am pumped about it already!!!

Hi Becky....you may or may not know this but 2 of my 3 sons are adopted.   We adopted them as infants.   I always told them that their biological parents must have loved them a whole lot to have wanted a better life for them with 2 parents.    Now that being said.   About 18 months ago I got a phone call from a person asking to speak to my oldest son.    The lady that was talking said that she went to school with him.   I did not give her his number but took hers and her name then called him and told him.   He said he didn't remember anyone that he hung out with having that name.    So he called her.   Well that was his biological Mom.    I truely don't have a problem with it and We did try to help him search for his biological parents when he turned 18 but couldn't find them.    It will be interesting to see if he contacts them when he comes home on thursday of this week.    He has photos of them......but that is all.   Or at least all he has told me.  LOL   I don't really care because I will ALWAYS be his Mom.    He wonders though why they waited till he was 27 to contact him though.   Hmmmmm......not sure the answer to that one.   I told him to ask them....by the way....his Mom and Dad ( biological that is ) married when he was 3 months old and could have come and taken him from me but didn't.   Also they never had another child together....they had one apiece when they married.    The one thing that you have to consider and I have told both my son's this.....is there is a chance that they moved on with their lives and not told anyone else that they gave a baby up for adoption.   You wouldn't want to be rejected for the second time nor disrupt their lives.    You need to tell Emm this !!!  Bet that is something that she never thought about.    If you find them....I would have someone else call for you.    That way you won't get hurt and if it is medical information you are after....hopefully they will tell that person your family medicial history.


Hugs and blessings ~~~ Vivian

Sweet Vivian,  I always knew you were special and NOW you've got another jewel in your crown.  I want to thank you first for choosing to adopt those boys and second for sharing that with me.

I promise I have printed all of these stories and I will have Emm and my parents read them. I already called my folks last night to tell them about the post.  I do have to say that my parents had to wait almost a year (9 months for my brother and 8 months for me) before they could legally on paper OWN us.  Mom said it was the scariest time of their lives.  Now they can't get rid of us! lol

I will take all things into account before I even try anything.    I love you much sweeties and i owe you a few more hugs the next time we are together.