possible new passion - opinions needed AND welcomed

Becky, My story is not the same as yours in many ways. But, the outcomes could be similar.
I was raised  by a wonderful man (my daddy lol) and my birth mom. I have 4 other sisters. My dad was only 18 yrs old when he married my mom with 4 little kids under the age of 7. She was numerous yrs older than him. Everyone told him he was crazy for doing it. Thank God he did. They met and married when I was 1 yr old. My mom passed away 5 yrs ago. I miss her very much and her wishes were always known. She did not want anything to do with my bi logical father and his family. I actually found my bio logical father on Face Book. I told one of my sisters about it. She was very upset. She was not happy. I found out that one of my  other sisters had actually already found him  a few yrs back. Apparently they are a very shady group of people. Long story short... be careful what you wish for you may get it. Also, be careful it may be just what you want it to be. 
I decided to not per-sue it and told him that he was not the person that I was looking for.
Good luck with your adventure and keep us posted. We will love ya no matter what..

thanks sweetie,

That is alot of what I am worried about.  I told my dad, what if I open a real can of worms?  He said. "and we aren't a can of worms ourself".? 

I think it is a slippery slope.  When you put yourself out there, you gotta be willing to take what comes, and it's not always good.   I will proceed with caution for sure.

love you too.

We just want you to be happy.. not hurt in anyway.. Apparently this (sperm donor) my biological father has been married numerous time and has numerous kids.. He has also has had many run ins with the law.. That would not be good with my line of work that I am in .. (if you know what I mean)... Also, some people say they are ok. ... but, they are not really ok with you digging up the past.. I just want you to be prepared... Hugs to you and Emm..

yes, that is what I am so scared of finding.  This woman that contacted me 10 years ago said my birth mom was 27 when she had me and a secretary. My birth father was 51 and a business owner.  If I were to take a wild guess, i would think I was an affair baby.  That might really open some wounds.  But if the birth mom wanted to find me, why?

So many questions and very dangerous territory.  I must tread slowly and deliberately, if at all.

Hugs back.

Becky,  I have been looking for my moms birth family.  It is one thing she alway wanted to do.  She came to Texas on the Orphan train.  She was from NY.  My Grandmother told us a little about her parents but she never found them.  There is an orphan train society.  I have been working with them to find my mothers brother and any other family members. 

I think that down deep any mother that gave a child up always wonders what happened to their baby.  I say go for it and good luck finding them.

Oh thank you so much for telling me this.  Ya know, if nothing else I just want to thank her for making the decision she did to save my life. 

I do hope that you find some answers as well.  Sometimes having answers is just enough to feel more complete.

Hugs!

Becky,

I can speak from the perspective of a family member who watched.  My eldest sister gave up a baby girl back in the late 1960's, back when it was still scandalous to have a child out of wedlock.  I was only 12 at the time and didn't know about it until her daughter found her 25 years later.  I know now that this was not her choice, my parents forced adoption upon her. 

I can tell you from talking with my sister that her life was HELL all those years.  She said that every time she saw a baby a girl or a woman who was about the same age of her daughter she wondered if it could be her.  She also spent a lot of time wondering whether her child had a good life or if she even was still alive. 

Her daughter says she was always similarly obsessed with why she was given up and what her parents were like, etc.  All the questions you would expect her to have.  In the end her adoptive parents helped her find her birth mother by providing information that they were not supposed to have.  It seems when they picked her up they were accidently given a bottle that said "baby girl Skelton" which was our maiden name. 

She was adopted through a chuch-run home in San Antonio and the records were sealed.  They would only tell her some very rudimentary information such as the size of the town that her mother was from and a little bit of family medical history including the fact that her mother had a retarded sibling.  She had the last name and only that much information and she just started making phone calls to Skelton families located in South Texas.  She found my mother (her grandmother) on her third call.  She knew she had the right house when my retarded sister answered the phone. 

Having said all that, they met the next day.  Their lives turned out eerily parallel.  She was adopted by a couple in Floresville.  My sister married and moved to LaVernia.  They lived about 30 minutes apart.  In high school my sister's sons had even met her daughter.  They just didn't know it at the time.  They have developed a relationship over the years.  They were very close for a while then her daughter pulled away for a while.  They now have rekindled their relationship and her daughter is very close to her sons.  She attends family functions and still maintains a very close relationship with her adopted parents. 

My sister is much happier knowing her daughter and knowing that she had a good life and was raised well.  They don't have a "fairy tale" ending, but darn near it. 

I will caution you that not everybody's story turns out that way.  I say, look for her if you want to.  It will be good to know either way and you never know, you might just help your birth mother find some peace. 

Good luck to you and let us know how it turns out.

wow,  Vicki,  what a story and thank YOU for sharing it with me.  I feel like sometimes that secrets, however shameful, can be worse if we continue to try and hide things.  I hold no hate or animosity, and like your sister, I just want to know that she is okay and for her to know that I am okay.

I will definitely keep you updated as to what I decide to do and how.

thanks again and big hugs!

Becky,
What wonderful parents you have!!!  I think it is wonderful that they are being so supportive of this.  I do understand how Emma feels as my kids are the same way.  My husband had not seen his birth father since he was maybe 5 or 6.  Right before our son was born he decided to look him up.  His adoptive father died when he was a teenager.  Within an hour he was speaking to him on the phone.  We have seen them a few times and we speak on the phone often.  They live in Pennsslyvania so distance plays a factor.  My kids have lots of questions but mostly they don't understand why we don't have the same name as pappy.   Which now has my husband contimplating changing his name back to his birth name.   My kids are all for it...  we have a horrible last name.   None of us like it!!!  Anyway hubby's mom is not supportive of him having a relationship with his father which makes it harder because we feel like we have to hide it.  She would be terribly hurt if we changed our last name which is the only thing holding him back from doing it.

If you find your birth mom... don't go into with great expectations.  You have to prepare yourself for the worst and anything better then that is just icing on the cake.  It will be what you make it...

I wish you the best if you decide to go through with this!!!!

I am just amazed at all these different perspectives and stories and how it affects so many people.

I know that the decision to change your name is a big deal.  Your hubby has a tough choice between doing what he wants and doing as his Mom wants.   I never really even considered looking even though my parents said every year, we are open and welcome to look and we will help.  But now that Emma is weighing in on it, there is a difference.

My  brother was adopted 4 years before me from the same home for unwed mothers as me. But our parents are completely different.  He has no desire what so ever to even know what I know about him and me.  I happened upon our legal papers that 'renamed' us.  We were legally the birth name our birth mother's gave us until we were almost a year old.  i found it right before I got married and had already told my parents that if I had a girl, her name would be Allison.  Then I find the paper that says my birth name was Allison!  AND, my name was changed on November 22, 1963 (yes, the day Kennedy was killed) which is my Emily ALLISON's birthday.. Yeah, shivers!

Tell hubby that he is not alone in that wondering how to make the right decision.  Sometimes it just has to be the right decision at the time.

thank you for sharing wiht me and I will keep you updated.