Did you have a parent that never approved?

Lynne your sense of humor still astounds me.  I'm so sorry you had to hear that from your mom at such a young age.  I was 9 when I started Weigh****chers.  I'm really sorry that you're dealing with that from your mom and that you and Miranda have such a full plate.  I personally don't know how you guys do it....I know you didn't think you had much choice but still...you and Miranda are heroes to me.  I hope you will get some peace and serenity at some point because you've certainly worked very hard at getting it.  Thanks for sharing.  I think it's awesome when we find out things about each other's past and it possibly works to remove some of the differences we incorrectly perceive about each other.
much love, Y

Hi Yvonne,
Yes, I have always felt like I needed approval from both my parents but more so my dad. I have been overweight for most of my life and I have always felt that I needed to go the extra mile to make sure my parents approved of me and all that I do. You know, it so ironic that I feel that same way sometimes  today. My dad always seemed to expect more out of me and it always seemed as if the harder I tried to be the best, the more he expected. But in some instances he seemed to not accept the little mistakes I made...and I mean little. It may be as simple as forgetting to pay a bill a day late but on the other hand my siblings may have done the same thing and there was no hard feelings towards them at all, as a matter of fact I doubt he mentioned a word to them about it. I always felt that maybe he had higher goals for me that I did not acheive but whatever the reason, he never knew and still doesn't know how his actions affected my life. He would always say little jokes to me as a child around family, such as "here goes Big Shirley" and I know it was funny to him at the time but it always made me feel as if I had to go the extra mile because I was over weight and felt as if I just did not fit in. Yes, I have to say this has caried over into my adult life and it has affected both my husband and son. When we visit and something occurs to where I feel like I am competing with my siblings, it sickens my husband. He is the type of guy that always tell me I am beautiful NO matter what anyone says and he strongly believe that I do not have to prove myself to my mom or dad...anyone really. :) I thank God for him because I am learning each day how to live up to my own goals and expectations I set for myself and not anyone else.  I live life trying to live the way God wants me to live and not the way they want me to live. It is a battle everyday to try to change the cycle I have produced over the years but guess what...I am doing it!! :)
Shirley Ann

Shirely Ann, I so lived your life too.  Thanks to you I'm remembering that my dad made jokes about me until right before my mom died and we were in the car coming back from New Orleans. My niece and my mom both told him that it wasn't funny any more. He didn't even realize what that was doing to me.  It has totally stopped.  Maybe you could sit down with your dad and tell him that it hurt your feelings when he said that stuff.  I so wish you didn't have to experience that when you go home.  I swear it is so common among us...to always try to please others so we can be good enough.  You are loveable just like you are and you shouldn't have to change for anyone.  It's a crappy game we humans play and until you stop the insanity with people, they just keep on doing it.  I didn't get enough courage most times to stop it but if I couldn't, I have managed to remove myself from the situations where it was still happening.  My dad did the same thing to me.  He never told me he was proud of me but he told others.  It was like if he told me anything good that I would slack off or something.  I guess sometimes parents have a hard time telling us things but I've found so often that they lived the same thing from one of their parents.  Even if you don't tell him...maybe being aware of the behavior would help you stop worrying about that stuff.  Thanks so much for telling me about your story because it helped me remember something very important about mine.
Many blessings, Y

1 & 2) Yes--my Mom.  I can to this day do nothing to please her which is why I finally had to walk away from the relationship.  It was destroying me.  It was a hard thing to do & I have a lot of guilt especially since she's elderly but honestly the older she gets the meaner & more disapproving she gets.

3) Dad died when I was 13-so it's just my Mom who is still around

4) I'm not still trying to please my parent BUT I feel that that abuse/mistreatment--whatever has affected my ability to form relationships to this day.  Unfortunately in the friend dept. I'm just like my Mom--which means I have none that I really let in too closely.

Too early to be this deep.  :)  I try really hard to not dwell on this stuff & to work through it every day so I don't want to say more on the issue.  I refuse to be a victim...just to know it's there & still affecting me.

Hugs,

Jeri

Jeri I understand so much of what you've said.  I know you don't want to feel the feelings and neither did I or do I still...sometimes BUT I'm learning that by feeling them that we can get past them because when we don't, we use other things to stuff them.  I stuffed them all the way to 260 pounds. 

Have you come to any of the face to face stuff yet? (support group, anything)  I am very slow to trust myself and I talked about that openly at the RYD event about trusting Debra.  I'm really afraid of women in particular because they can cut me to the core sometimes and I think it hurts mostly because I would never say or do anything harmful to anyone.  I would love it if you could make it to Dallas for the OH event.  I promise we won't scare you!  It's time for Jeri to come out and play...and take a chance on us.  If I can do it, anyone can. 

Thanks for sharing...it helps us to get to know each other a little better. It's amazing some of the things we have lived through....
love and light, Y

My mom...

My dad died when I was 9. I don't remember him as not apporving - actually the opposite.

My mom still disappoves of me. I really get the feeling if I wasn't her daughter, she wouldn't even like me. I still try to please her and I do what I can for her. She is aging and has multiple illnesses so I travel out of state regularly to help take care of her. I do this for me. It's the type of person I want to be. I know I'll never live up to her expectations and at times I think she doesn't realize what she does to me.

On the other hand she's an amazing woman who has led a difficult self-sacrificing life. She did a wonderful thing for my brother and I after dad died. She did without so we could have a great education. I know that means she loves me. It helps me when I need to do a difficult thing to remember that.

Marty

I'm sorry that your mom doesn't realize what an incredible daughter she has because you made such a striking impression on me and I clicked with you immediately.  I wish you were able to get to the point where you could let go of what she does to you.  Even if she is your parent...you are lovable right now and what she thinks of you really doesn't have anything to do with your actual worth.  That comes from inside you sweetie.  I wrote a blog post about what others think about us HERE.  Maybe something would hit home with you. 

I'm SO GLAD you decided to make it to RYD and I can't wait to see you in Dallas.  I'm looking forward to so much more Marty time!!  

By the way...I know some people may not realize how brilliant your avatar is.  You did a great job on that!!
love and light, Y

1. Did you have a parent that never seemed to approve? Did you feel like you could never live up to their expectations?
My father was always a jerk.  He never even liked me, no less loved me.  He was the type of person that should of never had kids cuz he didn't like them.  He was a good provider, we lived a nice comforable life but I never felt love or approval.  My other sister's were always better than me in his eyes.
2. Is it mom or dad? or both?
Mainly Dad, Mom just followed his lead.
3. Are they still living?
Dad died 5 years ago-I never even shed a tear.  Mom is alive and 86 years old.  We're closer now that we've ever been.  She has actually been my biggest WLS supporter.  I swear I was just waiting for dad to die so I could take control of my life and lose the weight.
4. Do you feel like you are still living that struggle in your life now?  Have you transferred it to someone else and/or are you still trying to please your parent?
After he died, I felt a big weight lift off my shoulders.  I do find myself saying to my overweight daughter, some of the same things he said to me.  I try really hard not to but you know me...I tend to speak my mind.  BUT I also know that she KNOWS I love her unconditionally and only want what's best for her.   

I'm so glad you responded to this.  As long as we've known each other I didn't know this about your life.  I really appreciate those that have responded because we do learn about each other and perhaps start to break down some of the walls that are put up between us.  You did make me laugh about you speaking your mind.

How wonderful that you are getting a chance to get close to your mom.  I'm thinking she must feel a sense of being able to be herself for the first time in her life and it's sad that she had to wait until she was in her 80's to do that BUT better late than never.  It's really hard to relate to someone who had such a uncaring parent that you didn't cry when he died. That makes me so sad for you.  It makes me even more grateful that even though my dad was really tough tough TOUGH on me....it will be very difficult when I lose him.  Thanks for sharing and I'm going to be sending a really great picture of you pretty soon.  It was taken Saturday night in Galveston and you just looked stunning!!!!
much love, Y