Did you have a parent that never approved?

1. Did you have a parent that never seemed to approve? Did you feel like you could never live up to their expectations?

I was 8, 10, 13 years older than my siblings... never could live up to their expectations, I didn't think because they had 'another' family.

2. Is it mom or dad? or both?

Mother for being such a wimpie wienie and Daddy being the old farmboy discipline kinda guy who didn't know a compliment if it was staring him in the face.

3.. Are they still living?

Nope, gone.  1977 and 1998

4. Do you feel like you are still living that struggle in your life now?  Have you transferred it to someone else and/or are you still trying to please your parent?

Oh sometimes.. it's made me an over-achiever at work and I try not to transfer it.

Janet

Janet I can relate to the over-achiever at work for sure.  I used to think it was because I was obese and now I'm not so sure that was totally why.  I'm thinking you could still possibly be living for that approval.  It sounds like you had one of those emotionally unavailable dads.  That was the type of guy I was attracted to for so long until I figured out that I couldn't save the world!  (OK, some of those reading this are saying "OH REALLY?")  OK, I couldn't save the world of emotionally unavailable guys.  I'm working on the rest of the world...and the kitties and puppies.  Anyway, Janet, I wanted to say that you've got such a quick wit that I don't think many people know about and I was so glad you came to RYD.  I hope you'll be around for the OH event too.  It's getting late...I'm getting all ADD on you!
love ya girl, Y

Janet, the over achiever comment hits home with me.  I am like that also and get very frustrated when others don't go above and beyond to be the same.  I haven't really thought about why, I always assumed it's because we were brought up to do our best.

This makes me wonder why?  I don't believe it's due to wanting parental approval because I feel like my life was pretty good.  Is it because I need to prove myself, that because of obesity and wanting to "fit in" I was of the opinion I had to excel in my job?  Hmmm, I'm going to work through this and see if I can pinpoint anything that makes me that way.

I have no problem being who I am, I do get very frustrated when I see slackers though.  And, I'm known to "just do it" instead of training others to do it because 1) it takes more time to train them than if I do it myself 2) I worry that they won't do it the right way. 

1. Did you have a parent that never seemed to approve? Did you feel like you could never live up to their expectations?  I never felt anything but approval from both my parents. Mother was a bit more demanding but I always knew it wasn't disapproval so much as trying to teach me other ways to handle things. 'Course at the time we knocked heads, especially as Daddy's Girl! All the things I felt weren't good enough for her....how clean my room was, my clothes, my friends, etc. I knew were just those things she wished better for me. I always knew she approved of Me, Myself.

2. Is it mom or dad? or both? I was an only child and I only felt unconditional acceptance from Daddy. In my late teens, early 20's, he'd occasionally say he wished I'd lose weight for my health but again...I never felt disapproval from him. Mother was always after me to 'apply myself' to things, do things better. Looking back she was an anal perfectionist when it came to housework. Since I did most of the basic housework while she worked, there was always something she wasn't satisfied with. But again, this was judgement of something I DID not WHO I was.  If I had to 'blame' anyone for any pressure to lose or disapproval, it would have to be myself! Looking back I wasn't overweight but in my teens I surely thought I was. I was taller than my peers, more developed and 'big boned' so I stood out from my petite friends.

3. Are they still living? No, I lost them both in my mid-20's...Mother in '79 and Daddy in '81

4. Do you feel like you are still living that struggle in your life now?  Have you transferred it to someone else and/or are you still trying to please your parent? Since I lost them both so young, I came to depend on my Mother-in-Law as a parental influence. She, herself, was overweight and very unhappy. I got alot of commiseration from her for my weight, also encouragement to lose but never pressure. We'd go on the same diets, try the same 'miracle' cures, aka acupuncture, diet pills, hipnosis, etc. On this new Journey, I wish she was on it with me. We lost her 12 years ago, a result of complications from double amputee surgery because of her diabetes. I was diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes in Jan and as you can imagine, she's been in the back of my mind alot with every decision I've made concerning WLS.

Fascinating story....It's amazing you lost your parents at such an early age.  I think it's great that you didn't see the house cleaning expectations as a direct reflection on you.  You did say something that hit home with me.  I also developed quite early and that term "big boned" was thrown around quite a bit as it applied to me.

It's amazing what horrors diabetes causes and now we actually have a cure and I wonder how many more people will suffer amputations etc because of the disease.

Thank you for sharing.  I am so fascinated with people's stories.  I'm looking forward to hearing more from everyone. 
Many blessings, Y

Yvonne,

I don't know if this is what you are looking for, but growing up my parents treated me differently than my older brother and younger sister. They expected much much more from me. My sister could bring home a "C" on her report card and they were glad she passed, if I brought home a "B" my dad wanted to know why it wasn't an "A". I used to resent my parents for treating me that way, but I am now the first college graduate in my family and about to start my Master's program. It did hurt alot growing up and not understanding why I couldn't do more to please my dad, when I graduated college I gave him a copy of my diploma because without his pushing I might not have got it done. Out of my brother and sister I am the most successful and content with life and I have the best relationship with our parents. My husband and I love my parents and we hang out and vacation together. I do worry that when I have kids I will do what my dad did because I want them to be successful, but at the same time, I know how much it hurt. Hope this helps.

I'm looking for stories for several reasons and some of it is finding those common denominators between us.  I know a lot of us never felt validated by our parents and wanted their approval.   As each precious soul tells their story I am amazed by how many things I relate to.  I'm so glad you are spending time with your parents now and perhaps working on healing the old wounds.  I think if you already are aware of the things to look out for, you'll do much better as a parent.  I too ended up the better of the 3 children but it is partly because I have been much more successful in my life since WLS and partly because both of my brothers suffer from mental illness.  I do wonder how much a parent's influence can have on that sort of stuff.  One of my brothers is paranoid schizophrenic and it is a long cruel story.

A few years ago I was still very angry (inside) at my dad and a professional explained it to me this way.  She said I deeply wanted validation from my dad.  When I would ask to do something, his answer was "no because I said so".  No discussion, nothing.  My mother in her wisdom would tell me that she understood how badly I wanted to go and sometimes she would tell me that if it were up to her, she would have let me.  In our house my dad had the final word.  If my mom hadn't at least done that, I would have gone absolutely crazy, wild, nuts in college.  I didn't want to disappoint her so I behaved.  The doc explained that if parents will at least listen, discuss the fact that they know the kid wants to go but these are their concerns and that's why they said no.  The doc said many parents go the other way too and continue to explain why they can't go over and over and over when the kid just wants to hear yes and won't quit.  Unfortunately I married into that situation with step children so I saw both sides.  So to repeat what I needed was to be listened to and told that my request was understood and that he knew I wanted to go but his decision was no because of _______.  And that's the end of the discussion.

As I look back, I'm still pretty mad that my dad wouldn't let me go hear Jimi Hendrix when I was 13 but hey...I guess I couldn't blame him.  Truly nothing would have happened to me in such a public place but I had to at least ask. 

I hope you'll continue to heal and good luck in the future because I think you'll make a great mom.
Many blessings, Yvonne

1.  My mother thought I walked on water, until I decided to retired in Texas.  Then, I could not do anything right.  Not much contact with her.  I call all holidays, 90% of the time she won't pick up the phone.  She always says she was not there, but I know better.  Especially since on Mothers Day I called and she did not answer.  I called on my way to Brad's house.  When I got there, I made comment that she did not answer when I called.  He said he had just gotten off the phone less than 10 minutes before.

My father and I never got along, he never disapproved of me, it is all on me.  I called him a liar in front of company (he was lying), and we really don't talk much.  We are cordial now, but he is not himself.  He is in a rest home because he can't take care of himself.

2.  Really just Mom now.

3.  Both living.  Mother is 80, Father 85.

4.  Resigned to that I will not please her unless I move back to NY.  That ain't gonna happen.  I will live my life.


This may or may not pertain to your request, just thought I would put my two cents out there.

George I already knew a lot about your life but didn't know this.  I'm glad you're living your life.  I know your dislike for dishonesty and I know that you are always exactly who you are and you don't put on around people.  And no! you can't leave Texas.  I'm rather accustomed to you so you cannot go back.  I'm glad you have Mary and that's all you need.  It's so sad to me that your mom does that to you but of course you have to know that it isn't about you....it's something wrong with her thinking.  Bless your heart.  Thanks for telling your story.
much love, Y

1. Did you have a parent that never seemed to approve? Did you feel like you could never live up to their expectations?
Did I ever! However . . . my mom started telling me I was fat when I was about 10 - eventually I DID live up to her expectations and became obese!

2. Is it mom or dad? or both?
Both but more my mom.

3. Are they still living?
My dad has passed away. My mom is going to outlive us all, if only to keep us from inheriting anything.

4. Do you feel like you are still living that struggle in your life now?  Have you transferred it to someone else and/or are you still trying to please your parent?
I still feel as if I have to please her, but I'm doing better.