Did you have a parent that never approved?

I'd love to hear this from as many of you that feel comfortable answering.  I have a reason to ask and I hope that it will help others. Thank you in advance.

1. Did you have a parent that never seemed to approve? Did you feel like you could never live up to their expectations?

2. Is it mom or dad? or both?

3. Are they still living?

4. Do you feel like you are still living that struggle in your life now?  Have you transferred it to someone else and/or are you still trying to please your parent?

Y~
Great questions, wish I could participate in it~Fortunately both my parents have always supported me in my choices.  I can't wait to see what you will be doing with this; I so enjoy your work! 

M~

That's truly wonderful...and a bit rare in our group.  In my best German accent...
Vell, Vell miss Mel...we shall have to delve further into your story...

Actually it's not a laughing matter but congrats on having 2 loving parents...the ones that gave you a set of the most beautiful eyes ever made!

I would like to participate in this. I am going to send it to you through PM.

Sent you a pm.

Yvonne, this is interesting.  I can't say anything bad about my parents they weren't perfect, and neither am I as a parent, but I try my BEST as did my parents.

Sure there are some things that could of gone differently but I don't dwell on what could have been.  My parents supported us in everything we did.  I have one real sister, two half-sisters, one step-sister, and three step-brothers, big family not all brought up together.

I'm SUPER thankful for the 3 of us that did get raised together.  I think we've grown up to be better citizens than the others, which is an unfortunate situation I feel for them, fortunate for us. 

I'm grateful, thankful and admire my mom and step-dad for all the sacrifices they did for us.  We weren't rich but we never had struggles that as a family we couldn't survive through.

Ok, now I'm crying because I know some people aren't so fortunate.  Thank the good Lord above for me and my family.

Hugs,

Most all of our parents could have done better but the truth of it is that they were doing the best they could at the time. I know my grandfather was probably harder on my dad than my dad was on me.  I was very angry with my dad for a lot of years but now I understand much more and it is so much more complicated.  I also took a turn at being a step mother and when someone expresses love for a step parent, I am particularly touched because I had a tough time. 

How wonderful that you can feel and express being grateful.  So many of us are still living with a critical parent voice in our heads....another way of saying "stinkin' thinkin".  We are all unique and have special talents and I wish we were able to love ourselves for who we are.  Thanks for your response....it was really touching.
hugs, Y

Don't get me wrong those teen years with a step-father were not all good.  I had times where I literally hated him, not due to any type of abuse (he was super strict) to us but because he wasn't "my Dad" and he had no right telling me what to do.  So yeah as a teen there were struggles but I've grown up since then and just recently told him how much he means to me as a Dad. 

He instilled some amazing characteristics in each of us that have made us who we are today.  It probably would have been different had my parents stayed together.  My dad is a great man but an alcololic, not sure what impact that would have had on us longterm, I see how my youngest sister and step-brothers were affected, I'm grateful for who I am.

I didn't have a parent that never approved.  My dad was / is an alcoholic.  They divorced when I was young and he's just never been there for me in any way that could be considered healthy.  I've resented that at different times in my life.  When I was younger, it had a lot to do with money. 

My mother hadn't worked and when they divorced, she had 6 kids and no real marketable job skills.  He never paid anything.  As I got older, I resented more the fact that he wasn't there physically and emotionally.  After my first child was born, that resentment grew.....I looked at the face of my child & could never imagine not doing anything & everything I could for him.  And resented that my father didn't feel that way about me....and I couldn't understand what kind of person could not feel that way about their child.

My mother and I switched roles when I was pretty young.....I'd say I was an older teenager when it happened.  I became the parent in our relationship and it's still that way today in a lot of ways.  Although, the older we both get, the more I feel like I can lean on her and go to her for advice.  I've never felt anything from her but unconditional love and acceptance. 

Both of my parents are still living.

I like to think I don't still struggle with this but I know it has a lot to do with the person I am today.  It's my past & everything in our past makes up who we are and how we react to our world in the present. 

But, I definately don't seek out ways to please him, if I ever did. 

Oh sweetie.  I so wish I could explain something to you but you've got a lot of years to deal with. My heart just breaks for you and I hope you don't think I'm overstepping my bounds.  I just want to open this topic up (and many others).   I have a great deal of experience with alcoholics.  My brother was one of the worst alcoholics/addicts on earth.  I know you resent all the things the disease took from you but please understand that it wasn't about you.  It is an awful, horrible and cruel disease.  My brother trashed my apartment one night after he threw a party in my absence and afterwards he would have absolutely cut an arm off to make it up to me if I had asked.  When you are an addict it is a disease and nothing you or your mom did caused it nor could you have stopped it.  Some people feel like "If I just could have been good enough".  It is sad to think about all the lives this horrible disease has left in its wake.

My dad did all kinds of things to try to get me to lose weight and even though I could do most anything I set my mind to, I couldn't do that.  He thought I just needed enough will power or I should try harder.  If he only knew a lot of the stuff I did!  Just like the wife that pleads with her husband...you'd quit drinking if you loved me or the kids crying and saying please daddy, do it for us.  It's not about that at all.  The resentment can eat us up alive and on some level your dad has to have beaten himself up for being a poor parent.  I exhibited the signs of a "child of an alcoholic" even though my dad wasn't one.  A lot of people call it being co-dependent.  It doesn't matter what you call it but we end up having a lot of the same type of characteristics.  I took a test and almost scored 100% and the one question that I didn't score on was probably me trying to cover up how bad I was.  Some of us do people pleasing,  some are into control and the list goes on and on.  Another thing is switching roles with our parents. 

I hope to bring a great deal of material to help others....to get to the root of some of why we ended up fighting our disease of obesity and for those that go straight into cross addiction.  I found this person's blog online and this is some of what's going on out there because we are not getting adequate education or there just aren't many that truly understand what makes us tick.  Anyway I took out the doctor names but I wanted to share this person's blog post.  Thank you so much for opening up and here's that post.

Okay, I decided I'll start from wherever the hell I want to start LOL

It's the control freak in me....and trying to tame the co-dependency freak in there as well...

I'm pretty damn mad at my surgeon. He doesn't care about the consequences, only that he gets paid. The surgeon who signed on as his associate, whose name is Dr. ******, was great. He cared. Dr. ***** didn't. He didn't want to hear about anything with respect to alcohol. His "support" meetings consisted of selling his product.

Is no one monitoring this by the AMA? Are they full of money grubbing fiends?

Um...yes they are.

There are so many of us out there...so many of us that passed the psychiatric evaluations and all the other rigors to have weight loss surgery. so many...so many damaged lives....

...all because we now have exchanged alcohol for our food addition/abuse.

This really sucks.

I ended up in an intensive outpatient program...which was difficult...then I "graduated" ... then I mourned the loss of my group.... then I relapsed ... then my therapist said she couldn't go any further with me unless I changed....I volunteered to check in w/her every day (like in IOP) ... and to go to three AA meetings/week (gawd I hate those)...

...and here I am.

*note from me.  AA may not be for everyone but just like WLS saving the obese, I have known hundreds that were saved by AA.  Just like WLS gets bad PR, so does AA.  It's even free.  I hope she finds some peace. Y