OT - I need to verbalize some thoughts - very long

This is kind of off topic but seeing everyones' posts on the WLS theme song post made me think about it. My dearest friend's father died in February. He was only 59 and he died suddenly and unexpectedly. They asked me to help write his eulogy and plan the service. Another close family friend and I sat in the conference room at the funeral home with our laptops for two days. The service was beautiful and I feel that Paul was honored properly. The family was very grateful. Although Paul did have a relationship with God, the family wanted the service to reflect his life, accomplishments, and passions in addition to his salvation and the promise that God gives us of eternal life. Anyway, the point is the music made it so much more personal and such a beautiful tribute to this man I considered to be a second father. The family requested we include a gospel song by sung by Elvis Presley. They basically left the rest to us. We met with the minister and told him that none of us could read the Eulogy because we wouldn't be able to speak that long without crying too much. He agreed and did a beautiful job. He commented that he had never heard such a beautiful tribute and that he would be honored to read it word for word. We asked the family and friends to come in to the room and just reminisce with us about their husband, father, daddy, pappa (grandfather), employer, friend. Here is a summary of how the service went. Opening -Church Singing Group - 2 hymns "Amazing Grace" and "How Great Thou Art" Minister's introduction and prayer 1st song - Elvis Presley, "Let us Pray" Minister reads first part of Eulogy - Paul - successful business owner but only saw money as a way to provide for his loved ones, extended family most important thing to him, he taught many of us who didn't grow up in affectionate homes how to be express love, he had a wonderful sense of humor, his presence was overwhelming, affected everyone he came in contact with, he had a huge heart and took everyone under his wing, was very generous but taught his family that love is what matters, not money or things... 2nd song - Confederate Railroad, "Daddy Never Was the Cadillac Kind" Minister reads 2nd part of Eulogy - Paul and Freida - Story of how he met his wife of 42 years and how they built their life together, their romance, etc... 3rd song - Dolly Parton, "I Will Always Love You" Minister reads 3rd part of Eulogy - Children and Grandchildren - Short sentence about each child: their one son who predeceased Paul, Paul Jr; their daughter, Shelley (my friend); youngest son, Todd; closest employee who is like a son, Sergio; and the 4 Grandchildren... closed the Eulogy with the statement, "we believe that this song reflects what Paul would hope for each of us as we continue with our lives now that he is gone" 4th song - LeAnn Womak, "I Hope You Dance" Minister then talks about Paul's relationship with God and his glorius reunion with the Heavenly Father. He did a beautiful job. This was not written by us. He talked about what we can expect when we go home to God and how he is so glad that he has that promise to look toward and not that we won't be sad that Paul is gone but that his heart is rejoicing in the fact that Paul has seen what we can only imagine. 5th song - Mercy Me, "I Can Only Imagine" Okay, thinking about all that and how it was such an blessing for me to be able to give them some small comfort during their time of great sorrow and grief made me realize that I made a mistake in dealing with the death of my parents. So, that is the part I really need to verbalize and get off my chest. I don't know if you have read my profile but if not, a little background. My parents died in June of 2002. May baby boy was 12 weeks old. I didn't state this in my profile but they died by homicide/suicide. My father apparently had untreated depression and he killed my mother while she slept and then killed himself. Of course I was devastated. To this day I still feel like an orphan. My parents were both wonderful people and I had a very ordinary happy childhood. My father had mental disorders in his family such as alcoholism, bipolar, severe depression but we just thought it wouldn't happen to Daddy because he was the NORMAL one. Also, he (being a man) never talked about his problems with anyone. He had recently retired which I don't think he was ready to do and Mother had some health issues that I think he got in his head were worse than they really were. Anyway, I was completely numb that whole week after and took Xanax for anxiety. I don't even think I cried at the service. I wish I had done things differently that week and really mourned then. I didn't really get a chance to sit with them. This may sound weird but I wish I had been able to just be in the viewing room with them. They didn't have the bodies prepared until 6:00 and the visitation was at 6:30 on a Thursday. About five hundred people showed up for their visitation so it was a non stop line out the door of Restland Funeral home. Also, one of the victims of that bus accident in Kaufman Texas where 4 or 5 teens from a church were killed on Hwy 80, the accident was the day they found Mom and Dad so I don't remember all the details, but one of the teens that died was also at Restland and the visitation was the same night so it was crazy there. It really didn't hit me until Paul's funeral how different the family was. I know the cir****tances were completely different but it was just so obvious to me that I suppressed my feelings during that time. I just wish I not taken the Xanax so I could FEEL sad during that week. Instead it has just come out of me at random times and I know it has contributed to my "emotional" eating. I have gained almost 50 lbs since they died. I feel better just getting it off my chest. I can't really talk to anyone about it. My husband still has both of his parents (thank God) so it's hard for him to understand. Thanks for listening. Please know this has really helped me feel better. Kim

Kim, God bless you. In a way, I can understand your feelings. I am the youngest of three children and the only girl. My oldest brother (Bob) and I were close growing up but that changed as adults. Ken, my other brother, and I were always at each other's throats growing up but really became close as adults. Ken was a minister and hospital chaplain. He was also manic depressive. Two days before Christmas of 1992, Kenneth took his own life. I was absolutely devastated and still mourn for him. I went through the shock, mourning, anger, and back to mourning. I will keep you in my prayers. If you ever need to talk about it, please send me a direct e-mail. I am a good listener. With love, Kathy

Kim... bless you .. thank you for posting.. this is the first step to healing.. and gf I know it was hard for you to voice.. my good friend that lived with her brother... came in last year to where he shot himself.. it is still hard on her to this day.. so talk about it .. cry .. stomp your feet and pray.. gf we are right here with you and if you EVER need me night or day .. just to talk .. please feel free to contact me .. Huggles Teresa R

I am so sorry for what happened to your parents. Depression is a horrible thing which can literally take over a life and ruin it at the same time. I know when you're the closest to the person who has passed that you are swept up in arrangements, etc., and rarely have the time to sit home and grieve like everyone else does. You are not alone in that. Just let it all out. It's so good that you're talking about it. Just putting your thoughts down on paper sometimes can help a great deal. Thank you for sharing with us. We are ALL here for you. You are in my prayers. Adasha

Dear sweet Kim, my heart is heavy for you. my family members suffer from BI-POLAR and DEPRESSION as well. it has been an awful battle at times because those that have BI-POLAR deny it. chemical imbalances are serious and devastating at times. i could go on about my family and it would take a while. this is the first time i've gotten emotional reading a post. just let it out sweetie!!!! God Bless you Tonya and lotsa HUGS

Kim, Losing one parent is terrible, losing two parents is unfathomable. I am sorry for your loss. Maybe you would benefit if you were to hold your own memorial service for your parents. Write your feelings down, read them out loud, and cry all you need to cry. Instead of wishing you could change the past, change today, and how you feel about the past. Today you can look back on yourself and dissect everything you did in that time, but it doesn't matter now, because you did what you were able to do, and did well. Again, I am sorry for your loss, and I'm sorry you weren't able to mourn the way you would have liked to. Just remember - even though the memorial service is over, it doesn't mean you can't properly mourn. Take Care, Sara

I lost my brother to murder in 1991, it has been a long hard battle to deal with his murder. I went from being a 24 year old free spirit to have 3 kids in one night. But through the tough times I always remember a saying that a friend told me. As long as you loved the ones you lost; you will never lose the ones you loved. I have several tattoos honoring my brother and it is one way for me to keep him with me. God Bless You Peace Ramon

Kim, I was very moved by your post. I noticed that your surgery date is next week. For me, and many others I suspect, wls brought me face to face with emotions that I had been using food to numb. Far from being "an easy way out" as some (like OPRAH) think, I found that I was forced to deal with these issues head on. It has not been easy. I cannot tell you how many moments since my surgery that I found myself totally stressed out and heading for the fridge only to realize that there was no physical way I could eat. I found that when I was having a difficult time sorting through my thoughts and settling down to sleep, my instincts were telling me to just go eat something to distract myself. Food had been like XANEX for me in a way. Also, I did start to really think about this in the weeks leading up to surgery. I started to ask myself, "What will I do when I cannot eat the pain/stress away at these moments?" I still have not found the perfect solution. Sometimes, I play spider solitare, sometimes I clean my house like a crazy woman, and sometimes...I even turn to exercise (but it took a couple months of losing before I had the energy for that. I lost my father to a heart attack in 1990 when I was still in high school. The pain was immeasurable. I was angry that he smoked and knew it was killing him. I still deal with it. I have three kidsthat he has never met and I think about him often. Even so, I cannot imagine your pain. What you have to deal with is so much greater than what most of us have had to work through. Please, please, do NOT hesitate to ask for help. From us and also from a therapist. This is going to be a wonderful time for your health, but do not underestimate the emotional component. Make a plan for taking care of yourself in this way too. You are in my prayers. Please let me know if there is anything else I can do. Jeni

Kim: Bless your heart. I kind of relate to your story. I lost my mother on October 28th of last year. During the time that she died I was in the middle of having an MRI for my ruptured disc and dealing with a mammogram that ended up with me having breast surgery on November 10th. I have to say that I was in such a daze from all of the medical stuff that it all seemed to just whiz by and I don't even feel like I was there or that I even had the right feelings. I was unbelievingly calm. I realized afterwards, especially as I went to surgery that I missed my momma. She had had many breast surgeries and I knew she would know exactly what to do, but she wasn't there to tell me. I cried alot then. I think that God gives us the grace to go through what we have to. Although I was not medicated I was not here on this planet...I think I was in so much shock that I just sailed through everything. I don't wish for things to be different because I think I needed it to be that way. Some of us need some extra help, and there is nothing wrong with taking medication to kind of get you over the hump. The real grieving never happens at the funeral...it happens long after everyone else has moved on and you are left. I know you will have your moments, I do...but they get fewer and fewer in between. Let God guide your grief. Remember, we don't grieve like others who have no hope...we have a hope! Thank God. Blessings, Janet

Thank you all so much for your kind beautiful words. In addition to getting these feelings off my chest, I feel that I got some sound advice and I got to know you all a little better. It helps to know that other people have similar experiences and feelings. It is heartwrenching to lose a parent, not matter how they die. I appreciate everyone opening up to share their personal experiences. Finding a counselor is at the top of my list and I have been thinking about it since I got the approval notice. I know it will be necessary for me to seek professional help as food will not be an option anymore (thank goodness). On the other hand, I don't want to trade one unhealthy coping mechanism with another. For example, I don't want to become a "workout freak" or should I say I can't. I have a two year old to take care of and I have to have balance in my life. I could easily become compulsive about something else rather than have to deal with my anger, grief, self-pity, etc... Again, thank you all for the support. I love each and every one of you. I am always available for you too if you need me. I promise, I am a fun loving person sometimes. I hate to be a downer. I can't wait till Arlington!!! Kim