How do you see yourself?

KL much like you I was very open about my WLS, for two reasons I thought if my experience even at the beginning could help someone else with information then that was great, and by putting it out there it would motivate me to stay accountable. Even the people that can be the most criticle can be a great source of motivation.Thanks Bob

Bob--thanks for this post.  It really got me thinking about post-surgery & how I would handle the changes in myself. 

I have read e'ones responses & I find myself approaching this a different way, however, because I see myself totally differently than I am RIGHT NOW (which is 5'8" tall & weighing 280 pounds--obese!).  I haven't always been this way, however. I struggled a bit with being "a little heavy" or "a big girl" (but by no means obese) as a child & until about 13 years old.  Then through my teens & until I was about 28 years old I was at my "normal" weight.

In my 20's I was in great shape & even ran a marathon when I was 22 years old. I taught step aerobics throughout my early 20s & was at the gym, or running, almost every day.  I think that those years--from 13 to your early 20s--are the years that tend to shape one's view of themselves, I continued to see myself as being fit (of course, I never thought I was thin back then, but looking at pictures now, I was). 

Then, around 28 or 29 I developed PCOS and insulin resistance and infertility came along with it.  No matter how little I ate, I still was gaining weight.  I was still living on the 1980s diet of a bagel for breakfast, baked potatoe for lunch & pasta for dinner (oh my, the carbs!!) and rice cakes for a snack, thinking that was what would keep me thin.  It backfired and by the time I was 32 I weighed over 200 pounds.  I had my first child at 33, my second at 36 and my third at 38 (I just turned 40 this month).  Three pregnancies in five years caused me to gain a lot of weight and after my third child I weighed 280 pounds and no matter how hard I tried, I lost only about 15 pounds & then it would come right back with an extra pound or two.  I was shocked when I saw pictures of myself or caught a glimpse of what I looked like in a mirror.   And looking at my clothes when I would just hold them up (before I put them on) I was horrified....they were huge!  So, I began to put 2 & 2 together & realize that if those were MY pants then I was huge, too! 

My youngest (and last..:)...) child will be 2 years old two days after my RNY surgery.  It has been two years that I have been morbidly obese (BMI is 43 now) and so I have had to "deal" with what I really look like for two years, but what's funny is that I still don't feel like an obese person inside.  I still think of myself as "a little heavy".  When I told my husband I was looking into gastric bypass surgery he told me that the doctor was going to laugh me out of the office because I definitely wasn't "heavy enough" for that type of surgery.  I guess he suffers from the denial of seeing me the way I was before my children, too.  When I finally stepped on the scale & showed him what I weigh, he was stunned (speechless, really!). 

 So, I say all of this to say that I think that I will be more of who I really am when I get back to my goal weight.  I have been in denial, I guess, while I was having babies in my 30s of how I really looked....and now I feel excited to get back to who I really am. I want to break out of this body that is holding me hostage & be me again. 

I am interested to see how my weight loss will affect me or if every pound will be one step closer to getting back to me.

Thanks for this post--it really helped me be serious & think through some of the psychological components of the big weight loss I am about to deal with & how I will make it through.

Micheala. 

Micheala, I can relate I was a little husky growing up played football, ran track. Even early adulthood was OK went through the TN Law enforcement Academy.
Then late life and Diabetes came knocking the more insulin resistant I became the more organ damage happened and the weight and swelling ensued.
I felt big but until I saw some photo's I didn't realize how big. But I knew the surgery would be a means to getting healthy and it was, now for the last six months I've worked on maintaining.
Like you its hard to know how any of us will deal with the psychological aspect long term I guess that's why its referred to as a journey.
Thanks Bob

You know I've made the comment to others, which I truly believe, I am still the exact same person I was when I was larger (personality wise).  Of course, I'm looking better and when I do exercise it is much easier.  My point of view is I want to use my WLS as a tool for a better me but I don't want weight to define me (whether larger or smaller).  Although I do like the cosmetic changes that have come along the weight loss I really did it to be proactive with my health.  I've never viewed myself as lesser.  Do I have issue with food, well yes.  Will I struggle with food probably the rest of my life, probably.  Will I be able to deal with the struggle with 5 pounds instead of 105 pounds -- I believe so.  I really look at my weight loss as a "do-over" and I've got to have faith I can make the right choice this go around (especially with the experience of what the out of control looks like). 

Again, how I view myself --- the same as before, just better. Allow yourself the gift of being "good-enough". 

Pam I think being true to ourselves and keeping realistic expectations of what this tool can do is important. While it can change how others perceive you it's not a magic wand that will fix every social, emotional and financial aspect of your life. Thanks Bob

Exactly. 

While WLS has been a wonderful tool for one aspect in my life -- it's simply not that powerful.  I put my trust/faith in another source for those areas I can't control.