A very personal confession...

I'm sorry I deleted this but it was very hard to share.  And, I decided I did not want to be so vulnerible...  but knowing as honest as I have been on this journey, and even knowing how some folks may judge me or have something negative to say...  I cannot in good faith keep it to myself.  I feel I do need to share this.  Here is my original post.  

 

I posted this on BE and am also going to post it here among my support group.  It is a very difficult thing for me  to share but I believe that is why we are here. To support one another on our weight loss journeys.  And, it is relevant to us all...  for I believe there are others who have, do or will experience these fears at some time or other...  as a matter of fact, just as I got home today, and had this experience, there was a lady who sent me email vocalizing her own fears for weight regain.  I felt that it was important to bring it out into the open and discuss.  Here is my post from BE:

Remember my Inner Fear - Weight regain

Awhile back, I discussed how I was too thin and had gained some weight... how it had been so difficult for me to accept and even talk about. My mother told me how healthy and better I looked. Today while visiting my parents, (I've not seen my dad in awhile) I had on a pair of jeans and fleece shirt which makes me feel huge... cause its incredibly cold here...

So my father asks me the clenching question. "Are you gaining more weight?" I felt so humiliated. I wanted to cry. When I was obese, my father used to say things such as "You'd be such a pretty girl if you lost weight." "You are going to end up with health issues such as diabetes if you don't lose weight." I felt today that time had been rewound... and very fast motion... and I was 251 lbs again, listening to him lecture me on the dangers of obesity. I grew angry, and I started telling him how he was NOT allowed to lecture me on my weight... how he was acting the same today as he once did when I was obese.... and YES I had gained some weight as I needed to, but that it had been very hard on me emotionally to accept the gain... actually I used the "F" word... FAT. He was treating me like he did when I was fat. My mother started telling him to leave me alone, because I was healthy and looked much better with a few lbs on. My dad tried to say he was joking... just like he does when he knows he crossed the line... but part of me wondered, "Is he the only one who will tell me the truth? What if I am FAT?" I began those old fearful conversations... you know the ones for many of you have had them too... such as "what if I'm a failure... what if I regain? what if people say about me "I knew a girl named (insert my name) and she had THAT surgery... she gained her weight back..." Oh the list goes on and on...

I went on with other conversations, such as the house Tim & I are purchasing, but I did not stay too much longer. I told my mother how much that really hurt me. I am still shaken by it. Sorry I am ranting, or spilling out my feelings but wow, this really hit me hard today... and raised some old old issues, opened some wounds that I did not know were still existent with my father...

One of the hardest part for most of us is the comments made by others no matter how small or apparently insignificant to others.
Mel. one way to try and keep it in perspective is with numbers. Numbers don't lie you know by weighing where you were and where you want to be and where you are. If a weight adjustment needs to be made you have the skill to tweek it.
 Adjust your thinking to the number not the comments.
Maybe take a new picture? Just for you, its the best way you know to see how others see you.
Just this week I was up north at a customer and one of the guys said you look like your putting on some weight. I thought really? I had a large coat on(too large last years xxl coat) and I knew I had really dropped a couple pounds? It would have probably gotten under my skin more but five minutes later I had my coat off and another guy came into the trailer and said darn your dwindling away to nothing!
So opinions are like Butts everyone has one and they all stink!
Some don't engage their brain before their mouth and are not very sensitive to others.
Sorry your feeling were hurt which caused you to second guess yourself and thanks for sharing such a personnel event.
Take care! C'ya Bob 

Thanks, Bob...  I am not certain whether its just a human thing, or a woman thing...  are men like that too?  Do they let people's comment about weight bother them?  Now I could have had him make another comment...for example, about my new hair color...  I had just gotten it done, really blonde.  Now, he could have said "Hey floozy. You look like  a street walker..." And I would have made a joke about it cause at least it is temporary, and I haven't made huge tremendous lifestyle adjustments just to color my hair.  It just cost a little bit of money for the lady to cut, trim, highlight it.  But the weight... now that has been a huge adjustment, major sacrifices....  you don't want it to be wasted or be for nothing....  

 PLUS, there's the factor that you don't want to be "one of those who had surgery and gained it all back...."  Its a very real fear, and its been very difficult for me to talk about, hard to accept because you want to stay at the lowest... I'm comfortable with the number on the scale....  I'm not comfortable if/when people start asking "have you gained weight?" 

Thanks for your comments, and knowing tht I am not alone in this walk.... 

I wanted to Thank You for putting yourself out there... Like you have so many times. You have such courage which I can only HOPE to have. I think that our parents have such a hold on us no matter our age. They were the VOICE for so many years, what they said to us shaped who we became, who we thought we were. I truly do not believe they deliberately cut us..well not MOST of them.. But it does not make the pain any less. Know that I feel the love this board has for you. Hugs to you for your courage..both in who you are & for sharing with us all.

I have the exact same fears. Inside I think we all do. The fear of failure or going back to where we started is a very big fear that we face. I myself  am like you and dealt with the feeling of shame from my father. He was not so much vocal about it but he would always walk so far ahead of me when we went somewhere together, like he did not want people to know he was with me or even knew me and sometimes that hurt more than words would have. Now I deal with the emotions of being good enough for him to recognize or actaully be worthy enough for him to acknowledge I am his daughter. In some ways it still hurts to know that it took me losing over 200 pounds to become acceptable to him. Now he shows me off when I am with him and around others. He tells everyone hey this is my daughter isn't she beautiful?   I have mixed emotions about that. I am glad that he is proud of me and that he supports me I only wish he did tthe same when I was larger. Because to me no matter what, I am always his daughter and he should be there and support me regardless my size.  I thank you for posting this. It is a very real and very big fear for me as well to regain. I never want to go back to where I was. I worked to damn hard to get where I am.

Juanita, EXACTLY!  You pegged exactly what I am feeling.  I wanted to say to my father, "WHEN WILL I EVER BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?!"  I felt the exact same way Saturday that I felt when I weighed 251...  not good enough in his eyes.  Even after losing 135 lbs, I felt unacceptable to him.  That hurt me a lot.  Now I know without a doubt that he loves me when I THINK about it.  But to FEEL that he loves me, that is a different story.  He does not know how to show that he loves me, and I guess that is sad for him.  

In the past, I would have gone out and got myself a big old hot fudge cake.  It used to make me feel so much better.  The liquid chocolate used to make my fears go away as it slid and coated my inner fears.  I know that someone might say "thats stupid..." but to a person whose friend was food, that makes perfectly good sense.  Food didn't hurt me and cut my heart open.  It made me feel better.  I did stop on my way home and get some sugar free ice cream, but it was something that I could have without hurting myself and making myself sick.  I made a choice because I asked myself, "Melinda, are you doing this out of spite? Or are you doing this because that is what you truly want?"  And I tried to make a good choice.  I think in part, it was a little bit of want, and a little bit of old habit.  Thankfully I did make a better choice for my body and it didn't make me sick...  plus it was portion control and moderation.  It did not have the effect on me that hot fudge cake used to.  It didn't soothe me.  It didn't comfort me.  It was a nice treat but in the end, thats all it was.  My attachment to food isn't the same as it used to be, thankfully.

I learned something from this experience.  When my father said those words to me, I immediatley began to question myself, "am I fat? do I need to lose weight? maybe I'm not where I should be" when just a few weeks ago, I accepted myself and was happy with where I was.  I didn't know that I could be shaken so strong by his comments.  I have had to once again resolve myself to being content with where I am.  

 Right after I lost all the weight, my father said how proud he was of me...  and how beautiful I was... like he always knew i would be.  I did not let that phase me and I thought it was sad that it took all that effort to feel his acceptance.  At that point, it didn't matter anymore...  and I thought I had gotten over it.  I realize now just how deep those issues are...  but I love my father regardless of how he acts or what he says...  and I know that he won't always be here as he is getting older.  

I also wanted to add something.  I am so thankful for a place where I can share.  I was afraid to share this for some reason.  I don't know why.  But it was very personal and painful.  I am so glad that I do have a support group who understands those fears and feelings...  

Sweetie, you are far from fat!! You look marvelous. Yes, you had gotten a bit too thin as you had lost your curves and your face was too thin. Now you look great!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think this probably hit so hard because: A - it was your dad and; B - because it was the same comments he made when you WERE fat.

I'm proud for you sticking up for yourself. I think it may (I said may) make your dad think twice before making that kind of comment again.

Did I tell you that you look marvelous?!

Melinda, once again you have put yourself out there, and I applaud you for that!  It's through honesty and truth that we learn who we are and who we are becoming!

I think what you felt was truly human.  When I was at my heaviest, I would usually just shrug off comments like that.  Even when they cut deep and were from people near and dear to me!  But it was also one of those comments that pushed me to doing something about my weight.

One day at work, I came out of the restroom where 2 people were conversing with each other.  the topic of there conversation was the amount of weight I had put on.  Now, these 2 people are the sweetest people I know.  Neither one of them would say anything to deliberately hurt anyone, but the comments still cut like a knife.  It was at that point that I made the decision to have weight loss surgery.

The statistics that I have read, suggest that 1 in 5 weight loss surgery patients will regain some of their weight.  But that means 4 out of 5 don't!  What you are feeling is normal.  But like Bob suggested, when that happens, it is up to you to use your knowledge to take control!  Like we discussed the other day with choices!  It's up to you to choose what to do!

Like you, weight regain scares the H**L out of me, just as it probably does everyone else.

Hang in there, and I agree with Susan...You Look Marvelous!!!!

Scott