Giving Up On Surgery

Hi, Friends.
I have decided to give up on weight loss surgery and try to lose the weight on my own. The reason is difficult to talk about but I have always been honest about my past so I will be with you too. I have failed the pscyh evaluation because of past problems. In my younger days I was a mess and for a while, I was a cutter. The pdoc asked me straight out if I had ever hurt myself and I told the truth. He immediately jumped to the conclusion that I have repressed memories of sexual abuse. It just isn't there. My mother was my abuser and she was emotionally and psychologically abusive, and sometimes physically but there was never anything sexual. I just couldn't convince the pdoc of this. I dealt with all this years ago and was able to let it go and forgive my mother. I have no desire to drag all that up again. My cutting, in my opinion, was all about showing the pain on the outside that I was feeling on the inside from the hurtful things my mother would say and do. It was about getting someone to notice my pain. The pdoc offered to listen to me recount the abuse to see if we could find the sexual abuse and I thought about it for days, but even surgery is not worth dragging up all that I have let go and rehashing it. I called and cancelled the next appointment. At some point I will probably leave this board but I want you to know how much you all have meant to me. I have appreciated you all so much. As you can see from my ticker, I have now lost about 24 pounds on my own. Maybe I can keep that up and get the weight off on my own. Anyway, I'm going to try.
All is not lost. Things are good here at home and I'm very happy. Dail, my husband, received a small inheritance and we were able to do some things for the house. When we bought it in Dec. there just wasn't enough money left for new furniture or decor. Now we have a few new items and also, a treadmill. The main thing we bought was a new bed for us. This Sealy Posturepedic Pillowtop mattress has been wonderful for my back and hip. So now I have no excuse for not GOMB. My older daughter and my son in law and grandson have found a place of their own, an apartment in Sevierville. It is a nice place and they are happy on their own, with more privacy.  I miss them but it is good to have my house back. My younger daughter is planning a wedding for Christmas 2009. My son has been helping me a lot to do some things around the house. I don't know if I ever mentioned it, but my son is autistic. He is unable to work at a job right now as we haven't found an appropriate situation for him, but he has been invaluable to me around here. He is a great kid, though not a kid anymore at 18.
Anyway, I didn't mean to ramble on but this is where things stand now. Thank you for reading and for all you help and advice.
Blessings,
Karen

Karen,

  I am going to post a reply to your wonderful musings...  I know you do not care much for my writing styles as you have heavily posted your objections to my styles in the past....  I am way past that as I hope that you are....  

  I happen to have much respect for you.....   You are honest, educated and responsible along with many other adjectives that do not allow us time here... 

  Karen, you happen to posses the qualities that it takes to make this program a success...  

  As I made it no secret in the past....   I failed my first Psychological exam...  yep I sure did.....   I was told that I was unfit and not an ideal candidate for WLS....   The same person that turned me down in the same breathe told me where I could go to get the best hamburger in Nashville....   LOL....   WTF???   I knew right then and right there that I knew what I knew.....   And I had to seek out more competent evaluators....   And I did that.....  

    Karen, I am going to beseech you right now to not give up.....   But if you do, I completely understand....   But I really think you are stronger than that.....   It took me a long time to convince a lot of medical professionals that I was a perfect candidate for this surgery....   And yes, I proved them all right......   The ones that vouched for me stood by me and I did not let them down.....  

  Karen, you have got to search for a second opinion right now..... I started my journey weighing 277 pounds...  I now weigh 115 pounds....  And the Vanderbilt Center of Excellence is hugely responsible for my success.....   

Trina,
I'm so sorry you feel I haven't liked your postings. I don't remember saying anything about your style to you. I always read your posts. I do remember one time you were upset about someone on the board and I told you they might be embarrassed to have it posted on the board. Other than that I don't remember criticising you or anything. I'm sorry if you felt that way about me. I especially loved your HOly Cow image. I got a real kick out of that because I go around saying HOly Cow all the time.
I have thought about getting a second opinion but there is only one more person I can do that with for my surgeon and he is buddies with the first one. I guess I just feel like it is a wasted trip to go see him. I'm pretty determined now to do this on my own. I know it wont be easy but I want to try. I've already got some pounds gone and want to keep it up. I really don't want to leave the board though. I'm just worried that some may not want me here if I don't actually have surgery. I have enjoyed this board very much and though I don't always post whenever I do something around the house I think, IDGOMB.
Thanks you for responding and for sharing your story with me. I'm so glad it all worked out for you.
Blessings,
Karen

Karen, I suffered emotionaly as a child also and I know what strength and power there is in forgiving the past and moving forward.  I feel in your words that you have done so.  You are no longer the person you were.  You have delt with your hurt and moved on.  My advise to you is to find another doctor. Search until you find one that see's you as the strong woman you are now instead of the scared little girl you once were. 

What ever you deside, we are still here for you.  We are all on a weight loss jouney.  It doesn't matter the path. 

Good Luck my friend!!

Jen

Thanks Jen. I appreciate your support. As I posted above to Trina, there is only one other pdoc who does evaluations for my surgeon and he is buddies with the one I saw. I figure I don't have a chance. I thought of going to another surgeon but I would have to go about 4 hours from home and that could be a problem as I don't drive anymore. I might change my mind later, but for now, I want to try on my own. If anything changes I will post about it. I love this board.
Blessings,
Karen

Karen,  I am sorry to hear of your struggle with this process.   I encourage you not to give up completely.   Now may not be the time to continue with this, but it can and will happen when the time is right for you.
You be strong, keep up the good work (losing 24 pounds is a great accomplishment in itself).  I will pray for you to find the strength to continue the weight loss journey no matter which path that may be.

Only you can do what is best for you, please PM me or post for your friends and family (WL) to help you along the way.  I wish I had used this site prior to thinking about WLS, maybe I would have been better informed sooner and acted sooner.

Take care,
Love to you and your family,
Sherry

Thanks Sherry. I am very tired of trying to work it all through but I feel my options are limited. It is really good to have a place to come to where I feel welcome and encouraged. I will keep you all posted on any changes. I do feel I need to complain to the surgeon about the unprofessionalism and inexperience of the psychologist. He siad he is my age but seems much younger. He jumped to his wrong conclusion before we were even 15 minutes into the interview. I was in shock with how badly things went so quickly. How can you learn anything about a person in so short a time?
Anyway, thanks for you response.
Blessings,
Karen

Karen,

I don't know about your doctor, but I picked my own doctor for my pschy evaluation and my doctor had no problem with this.  It was a doctor I had been seeing for several years and felt she knew me better then any doctor who had never met me before.

No matter what you decide I wish you the best of luck

B

Baboo,
Dr. Hodge has two psychologists to choose from and they are buddies. There would have been no problem if I were allowed to use my own psychiatrist. She is all for me having the surgery. My therapist too. They have been encouraging me all along the way. I'll try to reach someone at Dr. Hodge's and discuss it with them.
Thanks for everything.
Karen

Karen,

Very powerful history and I can certainly see where you feel at an impasse. My big concern is if you give up the surgery now, you'll be spending a lot of time afterwards pondering "what if I DID go for the 2nd evaluation?"

I encourage you to explore more options so your mind can be more at peace and you wont find yourself second guessing "what if".

Best of luck to you and your family!!

John