Your advice would be much appreciated

Webster’s Dictionary describes a Support Group as a group of people with common experiences and concerns who provide emotional and moral support for one another.

 

      Well, you may be wondering why I posted the definition of a support group, but it is because I have been really having difficulties since my plastic surgery and one part has been dealing with the depression.  I know much of it stems from the surgery and recovery itself, however a portion of it is due to being really disappointed by some of my anticipations of support that I thought I would have during this stage of my WLS.  Don’t get me wrong, I have had a tremendous amount of support from my family and I have had some friends that really have stepped up to the plate and have been there each day, in which I am so grateful for their friendship and it will never be forgotten. However, some of my friends that I thought would be here for me have not and their lack of support has deeply hurt.  I know that everyone is busy and I do not expect to be a priority in their busy lives.  However, tomorrow it has been 5 weeks since my surgery and there are some friends that have not even bothered to pick up the phone or e-mail me at all, this hurt is so deep that it is hard to even put into words. I know that I probably should not let it bother me, but it brings tears to my eyes when I think about it, because I thought we were close and our friendship meant something to them. 

 

      Lately, I have been very depressed and struggling with wanting to pick up the phone and talk with them, but I can’t bring myself to pick it up and call, because I will not force myself on anyone, as I already feel very rejected and rejection is something I unfortunately have experienced too much in my life and know very well. I guess what I am in need of right now is a little advice as to how I should handle this situation.  So any advice or support that you can provide would be much appreciated, because I am truly in need of it at this time, as I have become very emotional about this and do not want my emotions to create anymore pain than I am already experiencing!!

THANKS in advance for your thoughts!!  Shelia

PS  I am improving each day, plus I do and will always appreciate all your prayers!!!

Hi Sheila, 

  It is good to see you.  I am sorry you are having a rough time.  I am not sure what to say about the disappointment you are feeling by the lack of communication from your friend or friends during your recovery time.  It might depend on what level your friendship is on with them, for example how close your relationship is or how well you know each other and how much one on one time you have spent together. 

  You are right as they may be busy, or depressed themselves and feel that they would not be good company or unable to make great conversation and so they may have chosen to talk when both of you are physically and emotionally healthier.  Of course we both know that reaching out to a friend that is in recovery is the thing to do, if just to let that friend know they are in our thoughts..

  I know exactly what you mean as I was in the hospital a month or so ago.  I had been gone for weeks and I was unable to let anyone know at the time.. Thankfully I had some good support friends that stopped at nothing to find me cause they knew it just wasn't right for me to be missing off the planet.  Several of those wonderful support friends had been calling my cell phone and leaving messages for me trying to find me.  I will never forget the kindness and generosity they displayed towards me. 

  Naturally I was hurt by the ones that I thought were my support friends and they never even as much as shot off an email just to see what was going on..let alone call me or look for me.  But Sheila, hun you can't dwell on those things.  Just focus on your friends and support team that have been there for you.... Those are the ones that count and they care the most. 

  Sweetie I know you have struggled with depression for a good while now...  Have they been able to regulate your depression medicine?  What are they using and in what amounts of doses?

  I would love to help if I can.......

Shelia, I don't have any advise for you. I for one can't even figure my self out much less try to help someone else. Just so much going on/wrong. I just wanted to say that it is great to see you posting again.  Hope to see you on Sat. Give us a call if we can do anything at all. Love ya, Cheryl

Shelia, First, it is great to see you on the board again.  I have missed you! Second, I certainly understand depression.  I have seen it rear its ugly head again since I have been off work with this neck injury.  I, personally, am going to the doctor this week for antidepressants!  I started on them when my son died, but stopped taking them about a year ago.  Like a lot of people, I thought WLS would fix everything, but it doesn't.  I still need more help. Finally, about your friends not supporting you.  When Matt died, my house was inundated with people. They were extremely helpful...for about 2 weeks. Then, they went about their own ways.  Unfortunately, those 2 weeks that people were around, I was in shock and didn't really notice them. When they stopped coming around, I didn't notice that at first either.  Then when I did, I had hurt feelings.  I felt like a pariah.  My sister, of course, was still around.  She talked to me about it.  She said that some people didn't know what to say, some didn't know what to do, and some didn't think I needed/wanted support.  Once I gently let people know I still needed to hear from them, they came back.  All it took was one phone call to a church friend.  I just said, "I haven't heard from you and I have been in such a fog, I didn't know if I have said or done something to offend you?"  That started the ball rolling.  I don't know if that is what you need to do or not.  But, I just wanted to share my experience with you.  Take good care of yourself!  PM me with your telephone number, I would love to talk to you! Sorry this is so long! Marilyn

Great Post my friend!  We all suffer from things such as depression, but to be able to put your emotions out there for the world to see is a big step!   You know how I feel about what is going on, and if I could answer the questions that you have, I would.  But I am not in that period of the journey that you are. We love ya, and can't wait to see you on Saturday!

I am new to the board, but your e-mail struck a chord with me.   I have always been a people person with lot of "friends".  { I thougt).  In May of last year, my mother had a stroke (brain hemmorage).  She was in the hospital for two months in a simi-coma and then to a nurshing skilled care facility for 6 months.  I quit my job and brought her to my house in January of this year and became her primary care provider.  My life has changed drasticly.   I really need my friends!   I just need the adult company.   I was so depressed that my so called friends (and even some of my own family) ran for the hills when this crisis occured.  It put my trust in friendship to the test.    I have had time to do some real soul searching and I have come to the opinion that some of my hurt and depression over it was my own deep seeded need to get a pat on the head from others for my accomplishments.  (even if it was sacraficing to take care of my own mother)  I have lived my whole life, as many overweight people do, in trying to please everybody else and putting me second. No wonder people migrated to me.  I would do just about anything for them to make them like me.     I just assumed that everyone else should do that too.   I have learned to pat myself  on the head for your own accomplishments!  Be friends with yourself first!  Realize what a wonderful feeling it will be to know in your heart that you have made the right choices for yourself and it doesn't make any difference who thinks it's great if you love yourself enough!   You are the biggist support that you need.  I am thankful that this experience has helped me understand that the only REAL friend I need is me!   I am beginning to think I am great for the first time in 56 years.   Believe me, I have won awards and had my name in the paper for my accomplishments.  It means nothing when you are not proud of yourself.  You don't need someone else to tell you that you are great.  You know if from the inside out!   Good luck to you.  Look in the mirror, give yourself a big smile and love yourself for what you have accomplished.  Everything else will fall in place!   

Hi Cathy,

  Wow, great post... Thank you for sharing...  I enjoyed it immensely and you have given me much to ponder.... 

  I look forward to reading and hearing lots more from.....  Thanks hun.....

Sheila,  I really hate that your friends aren't being "friends"...that is terrible...Is it possible that they could be a bit jealous of you transformation...In your pics you looked gorgeous before plastics, and I am sure that now you are one smokin hot mama!!! Depression is such a tough thing...Something that you would normally shrug off becomes a tremendous burden when depression is included in the mix!!! If you aren't already taking them, my advice would be to talk to your Dr. about meds for depression...Keep your head up, and just know that each day you will be stronger...

 Shelia,         I sent you a  PM I hope I did it right let me know if you got it.                                                                 Sue W

Shelia, I don't have any great advice. All I can tell you is that you are not alone in feeling this way. I too have felt that some of my friends have not been here for me. I just wanted you to know that you are an amazing person and I am honored that I have been able to meet you through this journey. You have inspired me when I needed it.....so girly keep that chin up and know that you have a ton of friends here that love and support you. If you need a shoulder or a friend to listen.....give me a shout I would be honored! You are in my prayers. Hang in there.