The Reflection Of Me

I think you sometimes have to look back in order to see where you came from to see where you are going.Thank You in advance for leting me share this part of me with you. The Reflection Of Me I sit so silent and still do I dare to go out into a world who looks and stairs and laughs at me or do I stay safely within the walls of my home. So for today I prepare myself to go out and about then the reflection's of me begin. For I am the one who you look at my outer appearances and not my heart. I am the one who hides behind her tears. I am the one who sits crying out of self pity, then crying more out of anger. I am bored, I am lonely, I see the reflection of myself. Gasping for air just to walk, as people stair as my head slowly drops as a mother scolds her child not to laugh at the fat lady with the big legs. As one lonely tear escapes slowly falling down my chubby cheeks this is a reflection of me. As I slowly walk to my car tears flowing freely, sobbing uncontrollably, as people look and stair not hardly fitting into my car to weak to survive to strong to reach out. The image I see nothing but shame am I really the blame. Looking for unconditional love that believes in me, never doubting me always trusting. But never finding for I am that reflection you pushed a side for what I looked like. I live with the reflection of me day to day. The smile that hides the pain the tears shed alone seen only by me fears I feel only by me wanting to die begging to live no one understands how I feel. Longing to smile, laugh and do simple task that others take for granted. Beaten abused battered on the outside. Walls so high built on the inside are all reflection of me. Still all the weight on my body did not cushion me from the judgmental world. How can you laugh snicker and stair at me. For the pain I feel is for being judged for what I look like and not who I am or what I can be. The words "Oh such a pretty face"plays over and over in my head I ask what about the rest of me? This large body is only a mere shell of who I am kind,careing,loveing,honest,resceptful.But in this dark lifeless life came a ray of hope a ray of sunshine a ray of light. Slowly becoming reality the most difficult decision I ever had to make to go where I have never gone before to walk where I have never walked before to take a chance GASTRIC BYPASS yes a reflection of me. Day by day step by step as my body changes so does society No longer putting up with unacceptable behavior. No longer do they stair or laugh. But the scares are still there. Take life one day at a time slowly learning how to smile to laugh to love are all reflection of me.Greatful for the old me who died that moring.Ever thankful for the new me that lives. Today never judging for I was judged. Never laughing for I was laughed at. Never pointing or stairing for I was pointed and staired at. For now I see the real reflection of me and who I am. Now walking smiling and enjoying all what life has to offer. Cherishing every moment as it was my last. No longer siting and crying by the window watching life pass me by.Takeing nothing for grated as I watch the transformation take place all reflections of me. Written By :Tina Carter South Carolina