Just needing someone to talk to (long)

Hello my friends. I am feeling a little glum today and since I have to be on a waiting list to talk to a Physcologist, you guys get to be my sounding board. It may just be me dealing with the gallbladder pain too that has gotten to me too. Does anyone else out there have a spouse that is really overweight? I am hoping that I am not turning into one of those people who judge those that are overweight but I need to talk about something that is really bothering me.  When I made the decision to have my GB my husband told me he would eat healthy right by my side but he would not even consider having the surgery with me (he is a pretty big guy). I said that is cool! When I was doing the pre-surgery Optifast he was doing slimfast and doing the 1 small meal a day just like I was which made it MUCH easier on me. Well my daughter and family came to stay for the summer and he started eating like he used to (as I was going thru the post surgery diet phases). It made it hard on me because my support person was not there by my side like he was for the pre-surgery. He is still eating very unhealthy and it really bothers me to watch what he eats. He goes to all the support groups with me so he KNOWS he is eating unhealthy. I have talked to him on several occasions and have told him that I am very hurt that he had promised he would eat healthy  with me and lose weight and all he has to say is "I know, I just need to get my head right". Then he does better for a few days and then goes right back to the way he was eating. I know I used to eat bad also but I really had no clue how to eat right. He is gaining weight instead of losing with me. His neice and child who are also staying with us right now eat junk constantly. Sweets - lots of them. When we eat out we always have lots of leftovers but then he whines that he doesn't feel like eating them and with me being the only one with a steady income I feel we are wasting food.  Another thing that is bothing me about all this is the fact that I am SO looking forward to doing the things that I have always wanted to do (like hiking and running) but I will have to do them without my DH by my side because health-wise he will be unable to do them with me because of his weight. I have a feeling this will start to put a strain on our marriage. Especially if I start doing these things with others and leaving him out. It is not fair to me to not be able to enjoy the "new me" Am I being selfish? With 108 pound off I am feeling SO MUCH better and am wanting to be more active. Thanks for listening. I love you guys.

My husband is SUPER skinny, so I haven't really had the same experience you had.  HOWEVER, I want you to try to remember what it was like to be him.  It wasn't that long ago.  You might want to give him a gentle nudge with actions, not words.  Anything you say can be seen as nagging and even though I am not a marraige expert, I think nagging puts a really big strain on a relationship. Take him on walks with you.  Make it mopre of a "us" time thing than exercise.  Make him think of it as achance to talk about your day , etc.  Change the way you cook at home with the fats and salt and carbs, etc.  Don't announce it, just do it.  When you go out to eat, let him order first and then just say, I am going to eat off of your plate.  Take a helping of his food.  He won't get a huge restaurant portion all to himself, you won't have leftovers and everyone will be happy.  Don;t force it down his throat.  Just make tiny little changes that he will hardly notice. You could even think of a huge purchase that you both want for the house or something and tell him you are saving for that.  This may make you eat at home more, spend less on junk and and find more free active things to do with your spare time.  In the end, you'll have a new plasma TV or something. It sucks to have someone constantly point out what you are doing is bad for you.  My husband does it to me all the time and I HATE it...and I'm the one that had surgery!!!  What can you do?

Thanks for the input. I usually don't nag at him about what I am feeling, I just keep it to myself (so I guess that I why I am needing to vent to you now!). The problem is that he wants to eat out  ALL the time (lunch and dinner) and he uses the excuse that he doesn't want me to have to come home from work and cook. And yes he DOES like my cooking LOL! When we met he was eating out every meal so I am still trying to break that habit. I remember what it is like to be there and have tried to be gentle about my approach to him about it. As far as the exercising I have tried many times to get him to go walk with me and he always has an excuse (sounds familiar). Back before I started my pre-surgery diet he was being treated for diabetes (pill) but he stopped taking them. I love him very much and want SO MUCH for him to be healthy and to be around me for a VERY long time and it is so hard watching him go to "the dark side". We are about to have to dip into the money I have saved up for my PS because of all the eating out and the fact I am having to pay for his nieces rehab meds ($77 a week), her GED class and supporting her and her son (2 1/2 year old). I wish I could use the plasma tv idea but we already have one LOL! Thanks again!

You already have a plasma TV?  Darn...My hubby can usually bribe me.  After the 5K I got a new IPOD hehe! I can't really think of anything else except maybe a vacation or cooking a weeks worth of meals on your day off. You have a lot of pressure on you right now if you are doing all the "caregiving" in the house right now.  Maybe its time to put your foot down and get everyone on a budget.  Especially with the extra expenses of your neice.  I definitely think you need the help of a psychologust.  Its stressful times like these when I go back to my old eating habits.  See what your insurance covers.  I pay a $25 co-pay for every visit.  I started out at once a week and am now down to once a month.  I've never used Dr. Bour's psychologist (well I did ONCE, and I'd rather not bring that up again...)  Dr. Bour knows it and knows why.  Hopefully he can get that situation back how it needs to be.

Cute doggie!! Yes my hubby actually won $20,000 on a scratch off ticket about 1 1/2 years ago and we upgraded our TV (and computer!!) I think I will really look into the "outside" Pshychologist. I am really disappointed in the whole Enrollment fee for life concept. I only paid $2000 but what is it actually getting me if I can't get an appt (I know some of you guys actually paid $2500)? I am on a waiting list now for my 6 month mental check-up. That sucks. I am planning on talking to Dr. B next week when I see him for my GB surgery. I guess what I am experiencing is probably pretty normal for being this far out, huh? Ok, well maybe MOST of it is LOL!

Karen, I'm so sorry your going through this. I am lucky that my DH supports me in everything and bless his heart, he does try to eat smaller portions and he does eat healthier than most men. Since he does all the cooking he knows he has to cook a certain way for me. I was put on a waiting list when Dr. Russell left right before my scheduled appointment and I still never got an appointment to this day. I kept calling and felt as though they were getting short on nerves about it, but damnit, I paid a lot for their services and can't get what they promised. I think it would work out better if they didn't charge that fee and we just pay our co-pay each visit. My insurance covers mental health counsiling, so I would come out ahead doing it that way. So what is your hubby's reason for not wanting to do the surgery? I would think that after seeing how well you have done it  would be very encouraging to him. Maybe he is afraid that your going to leave him after you get all skinny and this is his way of sabotaging what is working so well for you. People react so different to things like this and it could be his way of saying he is scared to lose you. Maybe you two just need to take a day alone together where you can just sit and talk about it. You shouldn't have to worry like this and get all depressed and he shouldn't have to worry about you not loving him anymore because your looking more attractive to the opposite sex. It's a rough road and unfortunetly we all go through something that is directly related to the surgery, getting healthy, and most of all looking fabulous. Hang in there everything will work out, but you need to get it out in the open and not keep it all inside.This is a good start but we aren't pshycologist and surely we don't know everything about people's emotions. If you need to talk please feel free to call me at 238-9095. Love Ya! Mary

OK  from a mans point of view, My wife was about 200 pounds when I was 740.The main reason that I had surgery is the fact that my wife and her daughter were doing things together. I was stuck at home and that sucked! That was enough to motivate me so if he sees you getting a better life then that might be what it takes to get him back on track!!

I agree with flopeyeman, and Kathy....the thing to do is not stop your losing but keep it going. Try to include him but do not let it stop you from a new life. It will put a strain on the marraige, but marragies can take a strain or 2. In the end, it has to be him who starts on the new path---not you pushing him (not that you are pushing but you know what I mean) down the new path.  My wife is fit but it seems now I have suprpassed her, and it has put aliitle strain on the marraige, but it will rebound and be better when it does. And as far as doing the new things, hook up with other support group people and do it. I ran with Kathy and Melissa many times. That actually motivated my wife to do more (or maybe because I was running with 2 hot babes!!!); anyway-continue to do the things you must do, especially now in the first year-and passively do other things like Kathy suggested, like just cooking the right thing without telling, or getting the snacks out of the house quietly and slowly...he'll be resistant at first but will come around. And I know as the former big guy with the fit wife that I intially rejected her plea's to go for a awalk or hike or anything...but when I did finally go for the walk-her appreciation was my key motivating factor. When she said "Thank you-I really appreciate it" I loved it....when she said "Now-isn;t this better than sitting on that couch all day"---it made me want to go back on the counch. Acknowledge his baby steps whenever they happen... Good luck. Definitely try an outside psych., you will be able to see them more often then if you were to get in with Dr Bours psych....you could try your companies Employee Assistance Program-usually the first few visits are free, and the company pays for you to go!!

karen, my husband is also overweight.. about 280 at 6' .. and he loves to eat out also.. he can never do a quick and easy meal its always gotta be a "good hot meal" at some nice restaurant.. which in turn makes it hard for me when he gets all the GOOD Stuff i miss eating.. for a while there it was almost like he was sabotaging me when i was 6 mths out.. we got in a lot of arguements about him wanting to go out to eat and i said "you and the girls go ahead i dont need to go" and he would get mad at me for wanting to stay on my diet. .so yea its been a struggle.. and in turn now i have gained almost 10 lbs so now im starting the 5 day pouch test to try and get back to basics since i have been WAY Off track.. good luck with everything. best thing i can say is dont let him be a bad influence to you if he is going to eat bad he will regardless.. you take care of yourself.. and if you want to go out and hike go! he will miss out.. you cant stop your living for him if he doesnt want to participate ..

Karen, I am so sorry you are going through this turmoil. My husband, too, is overweight. But, he has tried so hard since I started optifast and had surgery to get into shape too...it also helps that his job depends on him not weighing over a certain amount but it is a struggle for him. He likes to go out to eat for lunch and dinner ALOT, so, as with Jennifer, it makes my decisions sometimes harder. We do like to go to applebees and split a weigh****chers meal. Not so satisfying to him, but I am slowly trying to teach him that you dont have to be stuffed to be satisfied. I agree with all of the adivce everyone has given you. I have stopped buying anything/snack that is not good for you and he has reluctantly, along with my children, came around. You stay focused....you are doing so great!! Everything else will work out...keep up the great work and we love you too!! Melissa