My name is Stephanie and I'm cheating !!!!!!!!

(note: if you're upset about missed spelled words or wrong words used then please skip over this... I'm not an teacher, so I don't look for grammar or correct spellings... thank you) My name is Stephanie and I'm cheating !!!!!!!! I followed my doc's plan up untill I reached around 11 months... Then all hell broke loose... I hit my doc's goal (he doesn't really give goals but told me I should start maintaining around 130 pounds since I was looking bad from loosing alot of weight) anyway, I did great with my journey till then... What am I trying to say? I don't know really but I've been grazing like a cow and NO it's not proteins (I got my big girl panties on so I know I'm gonna be flamed)... Anyway ! I either graze or I don't eat... I skip alot of meals, then I try to make up for it later... Then I find myself in the bathroom puking my guts out cause I've stuffed myself... I do throw up after every meal and I know it's wrong, I am going to ask my PCP to refer me to a shrink to see if we can stop this... I used to do this alot years ago, when I was on my starvation diet and lost 130  lbs in less than 4 months... This past year has been a hard one on me, since my RNY (which I know was done perfect) and my husband having a heart attack and having to have a quad-bypass... Then the Plastic Surg. that butchered me when he did my hernia repair, making me feel like a drug addict when I would ask for something for pain (actually he called me one!) if he would have just taken a few test he would know I had a huge pocket of gas in my old part of my stomach and he would have known I had an impaction with stool so big my intestine was swelled out to the point nothing was getting through... Now I'm not in no way making an excuse for ME ! It's my fault that I've not been following the rules, in my head I still see a 240 pound ugly ass woman... I don't get compliments from my hubby, nor does he even offer to touch me.... *sighs* I'm still just existing (sp?) I'm not living life.... I have not started to gain weight but I know it's all in a matter of time before I do... So today I've started my food journal and I'm going back to basics, to make sure I can retrain my stupid self to follow directions.... I know this is long but for me it's my reality, I don't know if I'm the only one that feels like I'm letting myself down and knowing I'm doing it... I've just got to keep in my mind that I WILL NEVER BE NORMAL nor can I live a NORMAL LIFE like those that are naturally skinny... I am healthy than before my surgery.. Well except for the butchered hernia repair !! I do have nerve damage now that I have to take Lycria for but hopefully one day soon that will be fixed... I don't know if nerve damage repairs it's self but I sure hope so... Anyway this is my confession and those that feels nasty and wants to flame me I totally deserve it... Also I'm so sorry that it's so long but I just had to get it off my chest and out there where I can see it... To all the fresh post-ops and pre-ops please FOLLOW your doc's guidelines... From now on I'm going to practice what I've been preaching, since I now know that once over weight you'll always be overweight... We are NOT normal by any means !!!! Thanks for the ear or eyes for reading Stephie

Oh Sweetie,    Great big (((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))).  I wish I could tell you the answers.  You have had such a hard year.  My only advice is what you are doing.  Go back to basics and ask for support.  We are here for you.  Please see my post from Monday about my dream man.  I could not exist without my counselor.  You are worth it all.      Please post tomorrow and the day after and the day after that and let us know how you are doing.  We're all here to listen and try to help.  I wish I could fix it all for you. lots of love Mary F

Stephanie, darlin' ... There will be no flaming here.  But you must make yourself the #1 priority, starting NOW.   If you are throwing up what you eat, and not eating well to begin with ... you are risking it ALL.  Vitamin deficiency is a real  and serious threat to all of us here; but if you're vomiting, then you are in the danger zone.  Permanent damage to your nervous system will be the result of this! You've shown such courage and strength to get through the trials of this past year.  And I know that this post was not an easy one to share with everyone.  I hope you will do whatever is in your power to continue your journey to the life you are meant to be living.  Please get some professional help.  Please.

Stephanie, That is what this message board is for, there will be some folk who are still in that honeymoon phase that can't imagine anyone cheating...I like to call them the "Pouch Police", but that does not last forever.

 Believe me, they are plenty of us post surgery that slip...but do what your doing, get back up on that horse and start to ride again. Use any type of support that you need, we are still learning our new lifestyle. Take care

Hey Steph! You have totally been thru the ringer this past year.  No one would disagree with that.  You need to make what ever effort to get this right for you.  You are 100% worth any effort it takes. 

If you need to get a doc to talk to then you should do it.  We all have eating issues.  Having this surgery does not take away our issues.  We loose the weigh but still have all the issues!!!  I hope that you get back on track.  I know it is hard.  Just do what you said and start with the basics.  You can do this and we are here for you!!!!

steph, big HUGS From me for being so honest!!!!!! youve been through hell this past year. and who could blame you for having "issues" now with things?! I have been doing the same thing with the grazing on junk and not protein. And the reason i think im craving all this is because my body is wanting protein and it doesnt know what it needs and i see carbs and grab them bc they are easy to digest. So i gotta break that cycle and start back on my protein shakes this weekend so i can have my body ready for plastics. You should try upping your protein and see if it helps too. the bulemia thing, I had bulemia since i was in 6th grade. and the ironic part now is that i CANT throw up if i try. no matter what it doesnt come up. which is hell for a bulemic person!!! LOL I shouldnt laugh but i have to bc its my life. i think the shrink would help alot with this problem. you def. need to get help bc bulemia is the gateway to sooo many more problems that you dont need. It morphed into severe panic attacks for me, which to end them i would have to throw up. weird i know. please see a doc to stop it now or it will be hell on earth girl, trust me. ive been there and still deal with the binge eating. If you need anything im here!!! love, jen

Stephanie, My heart really goes out to you, i'm sending great big hugs!  I know it's really hard and that you have gone through lots this past year.  I'm going through a lot myself one day i will share with the group but i always feel like i shouldn't burden everyone with my problems your so brave i really admire you for your courage!  hang in there sweety and i agree professional help could be the way to go.. it won't hurt for sure. love Darquise