I'm scared...

I don't know how else to put this other than just spill it... Folks, I'm scared - not of the surgery or the change it will make to my life, but I'm scared of what I'm doing to myself right now. I am doing the 6-month thing for the insurance company and my doctor's a real gem, but instead of losing weight - I'm gaining; my knees and ankles are about to give way; I constantly have a headache; I don't exercise as much as I should because it just hurts too much! I look in the mirror and am so DISGUSTED with myself that I can't stand to look for more than a few seconds. I'm almost at 400 pounds... I can't believe it - it makes me feel so ashamed just to write it down - I can barely see the computer for crying. Why? Why am I this way?

Honey, please don't worry about it!! It just means you really need the surgery, and better this than to go lower, then they say...."oh you don't need the surgery, you just should diet it off". This is actually a good thing, really. I know you feel terrible, but I dieted my way up 20 lbs before my surgery too, so that actually helped me....you don't want to go down, but if you just can be stable, that is okay too. God Bless, Deb

Hellen- be tough sweetie. Just keep in mind that this 6 mth stint is to help u reach your surgery... Please don't be so harsh on yourself... You have made a choice to have rny and that u are working on it as i type... Honey, I feel your pain- I hear your pain thru your words- be strong... Please- let me know if there is anything I can do.... Have u ever come to one of the support groups? Check it out- It keeps me in line and I really need the support that I get for those that have been in my place and it keeps me in track.... i can honestly say that they understand the issues we go thru with weight- body image -self disgust and so much more..... When did u start your 6 mth insurance crap? Again be strong- u can do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ana

Hellen, I haven't been posting much but your post touched me.. You will get through this and we are all behind you. I know the feeling of looking in the mirror and hating what you see. Please remember that this is only temporary. I know it's hard to remember that when you feel so down but try to think about the out come and your goal here. Come to a meeting if you can make it..if you can't then tell me when you can meet. Just a cup of coffee or something...I'll have to bring my kids but it always helps to talk. Hang in there! (((((((((HUGS)))))))))

Dear Hellen: I am crying too! My heart goes out to you right now. I too did the same thing! I had to go through the 6 month diet "history" with my insurance, and I just seemed to lose control. I gained 20 pounds in 6 months! I really beat myself up, and was totally miserable, but just couldn't stop myself, and had more than my fair share of "last supers". I never looked in the mirror because I would just cry. My face was the worst, bloated and such. But, when I jumped through the hoops, and got my approval, my doctor required a "liquid diet" plan for the month before my surgery, and I lost that 20 lbs. I had to start that diet on my 40th birthday! UGH! No cake for me! But I just made up my mind I was going to get as healthy as possible for surgery. Every day, just wake up and be kind to your self and your body. Do little changes every day, and stop beating yourself up. You are loved! Hug every one around you and tell them today that you love them too. Get a little love from those around you, and get ready for the wonderful changes that will happen soon! I will be praying for you! God loves you, and he will help you! Hang in there! Terri

Hellen, You are just showing your Dr and yourself that this surgery is the tool that you need to live your life. Please don't be scared. It will get better. I was on a year long eating spree before I had surgery. The only thing that stopped me was before surgery I didn't want Dr Byrne to see all that I had eaten. Please feel better. This preop stuff will be over soon and the WLS is amazing. Its hard, and it can be gross, but it is definately the tool that has led lots of us to amazing and happier days. Mary

My dear sweet best friend, I'm so sorry that you are going through such a natural, and totally expected feeling. You are not alone. We all have gone through these terrible times when the devil tries to convince us that we are not worthy of self-love, and self-respect. I've told you from the moment we met that you are a beautiful person both inside and out and that this weight loss process was going to be one of the hardest things you've ever done for yourself. This is the one time in our lives when we get to be totally selfish and focus only on ourselves. However, when we focus on ourselves we begin to see things that we never saw before and many times we dont like what we see. You are the way that you are because GOD has a plan for you and this is the route that has to be taken so that you may have a testimony of what GOD has pulled you through. Stop beating yourself up cause you gained a few pounds. Remember I gained more than 30 right before the surgery? I ate everything I could think of and more. You are going to get through this and you are going to loose weight and feel good and have more energy! Believe that and trust in GOD to answer your prayers hun! I think we should try to attend a support group together to help you get through this, let me know when and I'm there. If you continue to feel this way, please call me and we can get through it together. Please stop crying though and rebuke the devil where he stands because he is a liar!!!! Remember we have our ***** dresses we have to buy when this is all said and done! I love you my friend and I'm always here if you need me! Robin

Here is a big hug for you ((((((HUGS)))))) We all have been there. Hang in there. Before surgery I could not stand to look in the mirror for very long. Hopefully the 6 mths is almost up and then you can move on to becoming a loser. I just do not understand why some insurance companies have you do this 6 months diet. Hang in there. The headache may be coming from this diet. Call your Dr and let him know what is going on if you have not already. Julie

My heart goes out to you. I am going through much of the same things that you are going through now, though I don't have to wait 6 mos. My father even told me that I hasd to stop with the "Last Supper" syndrome...though he didn't use those words. I know he's right, but it's hard when I think of the major change I'm about to make. i really love food...which is why I'm in this situation. But, I'm ready to take on a different, more healthy coping mechanism. I know I can do it, with the help of this tool. My surgery is scheduled in June, and I'm finding that I'm eating everything in my sight...it does make me feel disgusting...But, at the same time, I know what a big change is coming. This process is changing my life, and I know God will get me, and you, and everyone else through it all. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope this 6 month wait passes quickly for you. Hang in there, and good luck. Jenn

THE ONLY THING TO BE AFRAID OF IS IF YOU DECIDED TO DO NOTHING & STAY AS YOU HAVE BEEN. AS FOR YOUR 6-MONTH DIET ... IN GENERAL, DIETS HAVE NEVER WORKED FOR OBESE PEOPLE - IT TAKES A COMPLETE CHANGE IN OUR THINKING, OUR DOING, OUR LIFESTYLE, OUR CHOICES , ETC, ETC, ETC ... &, FOR MOST OF US, IT TAKES SOMETHING EXTRA. THAT SOMETHING EXTRA (IN MY BOOK) IS OUR NEW POUCHES. SO, DON'T FRET OVER THE OUTCOME OF YOUR INSURANCE-MANDATED DIET. IT WAS DOOMED FROM THE GET-GO. AS FOR EXERCISING AT 400 #s ... IF YOU CAN GET THROUGH THE PAIN, THE ONLY THING I CAN THINK OF IS THAT PROGRAM WHERE THEY EXERCISE SITTING IN A CHAIR, OR IN A SWIMMING POOL WHERE YOUR WEIGHT IS NOT ON YOUR JOINTS. I WAS 280 #s & LITERALLY COULD NOT EVEN WALK OUT MY FRONT DOOR, DOWN MY DRIVEWAY TO MY MAIL BOX WITHOUT GETTING JAW PAIN & HAVING TO LEAN ON THE MAILBOX TO REST. SO, BE FAIR WITH YOURSELF. DO WHAT YOU CAN UNDER THE CIR****TANCES YOU CAN & GO FROM THERE AS YOU ARE ABLE. JUST GET THROUGH THESE FINAL 6 MONTHS & THEN I KNOW THAT YOUR POUCH WILL TAKE CARE OF THE WEIGHT LOSS WHILE YOU TAKE CARE OF THE HEALTHY CHANGES YOU NEED TO DO! IT'S ALL WITHIN YOUR GRASP ... DON'T GIVE UP NOW, MS HELEN. WE'RE HERE FOR YOU ANY TIME! GOD BLESS YOU ... DAWN & NICk