Help Please, I don't know what to do

Sorry for this long post, but I am truly at a low point right now. I'm so hurt and confused and I know that you guys are the best with support and advice I need to vent about my conversation with Don (my husband) last night. I had gotten the 5 year old to bed and went in the living room to talk with him. I was expecting a really good conversation. I have had the tummy tuck and weigh less now (besides the boobs) than in high school. I am feeling confident about my looks for the first time in a long time. So Donald tells me that he is having a hard time because he had always pictured at this point in his life that he would not have young children and would be "free to travel". We adopted his grandson who was born addicted to drugs, he is five and is the light of our lives along with our 15 year old. I handled this well on the surface, I had known that something was bothering him. I told him that I would be understanding if he needed to travel, all that I asked was that he make sure that I was able to receive Scott's adoption assistance check. That with my paycheck I could support myself and the children if need be. I was devastated, I expected him to tell me how hot I was, etc. etc. So then we discuss his "traveling" and I ask him if he would listen to what I want from life now. I tell him that I really want a husband who is a boyfriend, lover, and partner again. Life has not been good in that area, even after I've lost 126 pounds. After much delving I discover that among many other issues, his big problem right now is that I had the gastric bypass when he did not want me to and that I have had plastic surgery. He hates that idea of me being naked in surgery and other people seeing me. He tells me that he's not sure how this will all work out. So now it's a day before my 40th birthday and I am faced with the prospect of a platonic marriage. What can I do, I am truly lost through all of this. Sorry for dumping on you, but I don't know who else to talk to this about.

Oh, I am so sorry! I recommend that BOTH of you get into marriage counseling ASAP. If he won't go, then you go to individual counseling. He clearly has some MAJOR issues that need to be worked out, PRONTO. You're in my prayers! Lisa

You are right. I have a counselor, could have never gotten the courage to have the WLS without him. I've made an appointment asap. m

It sounds like he may be a little insecure. I definitely think you should go to marraige counseling. I will be thinking about you and I hope everything works out. (((hugs))) Kathy

First off here are some hugs to you ((((HUGS)))) I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. I agree get yourself and him, if he is willing to a counselor. ASAP. It sounds like he has more issues than the fact he thought he would be able to "travel" at this point in his life and having trained medical professionals see you naked. Does he expect the Dr's to do the surgery blindfold? He has some issues that need to be worked out and needs to get them addressed NOW. Do not let yourself live in what is looking like a unfulling marriage. You deserve better with or without have the WLS or plastics. From the tone of your post, you are willing to do what it takes to get your marriage life back, but he has to be willing to met you 1/2 way. You can not fix him or his issues. But you can help him! I do not know if this helped. I hope it does. Hang in there and vent any time you want. By the way Happy Early Birthday Juie

I JUST GOT A CALL FROM MS CHERYL SAYING HOW HER HEART WAS BREAKING FOR YOU SO I JUMPED ONLINE &, SWEETHEART, NICK & I ARE SO VERY SORRY THAT YOU ARE FACING THESE ISSUES BUT WE KNOW YOU WILL COME THROUGH THIS, NO MATTER WHAT, WITH DIGNITY, GRACE & STRENGTH. I'M GONNA BE THE LONE WOLF HERE & SAY, "SCREW THE MARRIAGE COUNSELING". IF HUBBY HAD ANY CHARACTER AT ALL, HE WOULD HAVE ALREADY DONE SOMETHING POSITIVE ON HIS OWN, SOMETHING PROACTIVE, TO DEAL WITH THE ISSUES HE SAYS ARE NOW JUST BEGINNING TO ARISE ... (HIS ISSUES ARE PURE BS, BY THE WAY)! NO, HE DOESN'T DO ANYTHING TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY & FIND A WAY TO CHANGE FOR THE SAKE OF HIS WIFE & HIS FAMILY ... NO, HE WAITS UNTIL YOU ARE AT YOUR MOST WONDERFUL POINT OF SUCCESS (in your weight loss & personal growth journey), WHEN YOU HAVE GAINED SO MUCH POSITIVE IN YOUR LIFE, WHEN YOU ARE CELEBRATING THE BEGINNING OF WHAT SHOULD BE THE BEST YEAR OF YOUR LIFE ... HE WAITS UNTIL YOU FINALLY HAVE SOMETHING WONDERFUL TO CELEBRATE TO TELL YOU "HE WANTS TO TRAVEL" ??????? THAT IS PURE CRAP. NO MAN OF INTEGRITY & CHARACTER WOULD DO WHAT HE JUST DID TO YOU, BUT WORSE THAN THAT, TO THROW AWAY HIS CHILDREN FOR SUCH A SHALLOW REASON AS "I WANT TO TRAVEL" IS DISPICABLE (sp?). TALK ABOUT SELFISH ... ME, ME, ME, I WANT, I WANT, I WANT. YOU GIVE UP THE "I WANTS" WHEN YOU TAKE ON A FAMILY, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU TAKE ON THE RESPONSIBILITIES OF RAISING LITTLE ONES. WHO'S THE ADULT HERE & WHO'S THE SELFISH, SPOILED CHILD? MS MARY, IF YOUR MARRIAGE WAS NOT GREAT BEFORE SURGERY, IT DOESN'T GET BETTER BECAUSE OF SURGERY NO MATTER HOW WONDERFULLY YOU CHANGED. ACTUALLY, IT USUALLY GETS WORSE BECAUSE THE PERSON WHO HAD GASTRIC BYPASS IS SUCCEEDING, CHANGING & GROWING IN LEAPS & BOUNDS & THE SPOUSE WHO WASN'T HAPPY BEFORE IS EVEN MORE UNHAPPY BECAUSE THIS NEW PERSON OF CONFIDENCE IS EMERGING FROM THEIR "SO-SO, OVERWEIGHT, LACKING CONFIDENCE" SPOUSE, & THE UNHAPPY SPOUSE DOESN'T WANT TO PUT OUT THE SAME AMOUNT OF TOUGH EFFORT TO SUCCEED, CHANGE & GROW AS HAS THE OTHER PERSON. SO, NO MARRIAGE MIRACLES DUE TO GASTRIC BYPASS ... IT STILL TAKES HARD, HARD WORK ON BOTH PARTS TO MAINTAIN A GOOD MARRIAGE. HE IS BLOWING SMOKE UP YOUR SKIRT, GIRL, WITH THIS "NAKED DURING SURGERY" GARBAGE ... IT'S AN EXCUSE TO NOT HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE SEXUAL PROBLEMS BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU. HERE'S MY BEST ADVISE ... SQUARE THOSE SHOULDERS, LIFT THAT CHIN OF YOURS & FOCUS ON THE WONDEFUL WOMAN YOU HAVE BECOME & KEEP ON GOING FOR EVEN MORE IN LIFE - DON'T YOU DARE LET HIM STOP YOU ... TAKE CARE OF THOSE WONDERFUL BOYS, FINISH YOUR EDUCATION, DECIDE WHAT YOU WANT OUT OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE & GOOOOO FORRRRR ITTTTT! (NOTICE, THAT I DID NOT SAY TO DRAG YOUR HUSBAND ALONG KICKING & SCREAMING - HE WANTS TO TRAVEL, HE CAN GO FOR IT ALONE ALTHOUGH I DOUBT THAT HE WILL BE ALONE LONG CUZ HE'LL BE LOOKING IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES NOT ABLE TO EVER FIND ANYONE BETTER THAN YOU!) WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD YOU SETTLE FOR A "PLATONIC MARRIAGE"? ... EXCUSE ME SWEETHEART BUT "PLATONIC" & "MARRIAGE" ARE OPPOSED TO EACH OTHER. MARRIAGE IS WHEN TWO PEOPLE ARE SO LOVINGLY DEVOTED TO ONE ANOTHER THAT THEY BECOME "ONE" SPIRITUALLY, EMOTIONALLY &&&&& PHYSICALLY (SEXUALLY). DON'T YOU DARE S-E-T-T-L-E FOR ANYTHING LESS THAN YOU WANT & DESERVE. YOU HAVE MY PROMISE THAT IF YOU WILL LET GO OF THIS MARRIAGE ... FOCUS ON EVERYTHING ELSE IN YOUR LIFE WITH ALL THE STRENGTH YOU HAVE ... YOUR HUSBAND WILL EITHER WISE UP & FIND HIS BACKBONE (NOT PROBABLE) ... OR, GOD WILL BRING THE MOST WONDERFUL MAN INTO YOUR LIFE TO SMOOTH AWAY ALL THE BAD MEMORIES & TO TRULY LIVE SACRIFICALLY AS AN HONORABLE HUSBAND SHOULD DO ... BUT, YOU HAVE TO BE WILLING TO TAKE THE FRIGHTENING STEP OF REALIZING THAT YOU CANNOT FIX THIS BETWEEN YOU & YOUR HUSBAND, SO LET IT GO ... IF THAT MEANS DIVORCE, SO BE IT, IT'S NOT THE END OF THE WORLD, I ASSURE YOU. ALTHOUGH THERE ARE AS MANY PROBLEMS IN A "NEW" LIFE, THERE ARE SO MANY MORE POSSIBILITIES THAN "SETTLING" FOR AN EMPTY MARRIAGE WITH A SELFISH MAN. I SPEAK FROM THE PERSONAL EXPERIENCE OF A 30 YEAR MARRIAGE FILLED WITH EMPTY PROMISES, SELFISH DECISIONS, LONLINESS & TEARS THAT NEVER ENDED. NICK COMES FROM HIS OWN 30 YEAR MARRIAGE OF CONTROL, UNENDING DRAMA, SELFISHNESS & DISRESPECT. FROM THE DAY WE MET ONLINE, WE NEVER LOOKED BACK BECAUSE WE HAD FOUND EVERYTHING WE HAD BEEN MISSING FOR THOSE MISERABLE 30 YEARS. I CANNOT BEGIN TO TELL YOU HOW GOOD IT IS WHEN YOU FIND A TRULY WONDERFUL SOUL MATE, BUT TO DO SO MS MARY, YOU HAVE TO LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH TO REACH FOR THE STARS. SO, REACH HIGH, GIRL. NICK & I ARE ALWAYS HERE IF YOU NEED A SHOULDER OR A LOVING PUSH ... GOD BLESS YOU SWEETHEART ... DAWN & NICK

Oh, May! I'm SO sorry you are going through this! I can't even imagine how devastating this must be for you. I want you to know how proud I am of you and all you've accomplished!! I hope you are proud of yourself too. (((HUGS))) Now, I'd listen to Dawn...she's the one with the experience here. Counseling couldn't hurt, for sure, but I certainly agree with Ms. Dawn and all she had to say about his excuses being bs and disrespectful. Truly selfish. I will certainly keep you in my prayers, that God will bring you through this!! Love and hugs, Elizabeth

Mary, I am sooo sorry. MEN!! First of all, it sounds like to me, from just reading what you read that he is scared to death. Why in the world would he be scared of people seeing you naked during surgery? You are covered up anyway with blue sheets and idodine, and its not really glamorous!! I think he is very scared you will leave him....total male insecurity. You have got to find a good Christian counselor. You mentioned his grandson, so was he married before and she left him? He sounds like he sees you getting stronger and happier, and he sees it is not in direct affect from him, so he is assuming things that are not true. You have got to get him to understand you are not going to leave him, and you had to do this for your health and your looks are second. He should be happy to have a hot wife! He needs some serious counselling from a good Christian counselor, not just some religous counselor if you catch my drift. Call my old pastor and his wife, who are young, and do LOTS of marriage counselling. Pastor Lathan and Sara Carey 843-216-9995 ASAP! They are awesome, down to earth, non judgemental, and can totally get you guys back on track. I will be praying for you and also for you to have an awesome birthday. Just start re-assuring your hubby that you are in it for life, not for friendship, although its nice to have a hubby who is a friend too. You know when you have a baby and then the men feel like they take 2nd and sometimes 3rd place in your world, that is how he is feeling. If he travels, you go with him!! You guys need a week long cruise or something to re-kindle the spark! Try to have a happy birthday, I am praying for you!!! Deb

Okay, I just read Dawn's post.....and I agree with her!! But the reason is FEAR based. His own insecurities are now "your" fault in "his" mind. NOT!! You know YOU are NOT the cause of this.......he is full of it just like Dawn said. But he is fearful, and instead of facing HIS fear, he is going to shift the blame to you................don't you dare take it!! He needs to pick up his own blame and take ownership of his own problems, and thoughts and fears........you are not his mommy!! Love you!! Deb

I have to say that I too agree with Dawn. Ending my own marriage just before this journey qualifies me to speak to the fact the most important person in your life is YOU. The wonderful changes that you have experienced have been nothing but God sent, and to ignore them or wash over them to make someone else feel safe and secure would be a tragedy at best. You are a beautiful person INSIDE and OUT, so copying from Dawn's post- "square your shoulders" and make things happen for you!! I will call you and say the rest as I am sure my words are far to ugly to be included in this forum... meanwhile I am praying for you and hoping for all the best that God has to offer!!! My new Mantra- NOTHING IS AS BAD AS FAT WAS- AND NOTHING IS AS GOOD AS SKINNY FEELS!! We'll talk later- LOVE YA! Towana