help major problem with my son!!

i was talking to patti last night about my son who has always battled with weight issues. he is by no means "fat" but he is much bigger than all of his friends. he is very tall, very wide shoulders, and normal size everywhere but his belly. yes, he has a belly. we have been working (without his knoweledge) on his health by keeping better snacks, no sugar drinks, ect. he has gained no weight in the past two years and can't even wear the clothes he had last year because they are too big. i finally took some advise from friends, family, and dr. russell to start focusing on me more. well, since starting opti-fast the whole family has focused on what mom can and can't have. i missed something major guys and i couldn't sleep last night thinking about it. my poor child has never been one to show his pain. he never talks about the other children hurting him. he just toughs it out. anyway, i noticed over the past few day he wasn't eating much. my husband and i finally talked to him and found out he has not eaten lunch (at school) for 2 weeks and he has skipped supper for a week. i didn't worry too much about the supper because he said he was getting plenty at school and it had been so hot. after talking to him though, i found out that he had had enough. there was a party at school where they could wear their bathing suits and a little girl got several of her friends to taunt joseph. they told him he was so ugly and fat no one would ever like him. he took it in stride and didn't show any emotion but this is the result. help, i am facing an 8 year with an eating disorder and i am terrified. i feel so guilty. he has genetics against him and he is watching me go through all the motions of surgery. he said he is so scared of getting fat and having to have surgery. he said he would probably never have a girlfriend. this child is so far beyond his years in some ways. his older brother has always been the outgoing one, VERY popular, constantly being told how gorgeous he is and his little sister is the baby, also very pretty and slim. what do i do to convince him he is equally as handsome and has so much to offer? he is smart and sweet and i know i am his mom but he is a beautiful child. this is just breaking my heart.

Sherry- My heart was aching as I read your post. I don't know if I have the best advice for you, but here is my 2 cents. I would make an appointment with my child's doctor and make sure that he is in fact healthy. My 8 year old son is also a big boy. He weighs about 93lbs. He is very tall for his age. He is very active. Over the last 1 1/2 he has gained about 15-18 lbs. I noticed a belly and little boobies. When I spoke with the pediatrician, she said he was very healthy and we would jus****ch the weight gain for the next year. I felt very comfortable with that because he is active with sports. He is continuing to gain some weight, but when I feel like he is proportionate. He shoe size is 6.5!!! When I started this process for myself, I did it also for my family. We have really cut back on alot of sugar. My children all drink SF drinks. When I buy crackers and snacks, I buy reduced fat or less sugar ones. I dont' deprive them of things, but I choose healthier options. They get so excited when I make SF/FF pudding for them, they don't realize that it is a healthier choice. I have also cut back on mac and cheese and things like that. When I cook dinner, I cook something that is healthy for me and I feed it to everyone. I refuse to cook for me and then cook for them! My husband and I talked alot about how things were going to change with my surgery. It has been very inoportant having his support. I talk to my kids alot about making healthy choices. When they ask for something in the store that is high fat or high sugar I tell them no. I explain why and offer them an alternative choice. I also am talking to them about the inportance of exercise. They know that I had this surgery to get healthy and I want them to be healthy as well and that is why we have made changes. With your son, I would reasure him that he is very handsome all the time. I would also talk to him about making healthy choices. I would tell him that not eating is not a healthy choice and it is going to hurt him. I would ask him if he would like for you to help him make healthy choices and help him get healthier. I would try to take the emphasis off of being fat. I would just continue to help him make healthy choices and exercise and tell him everyday...a million times a day how handsome, and smart and wonderful he is. If you can get him to be involved in making the right choices, it will build his self esteem. Kids can be so cruel sometimes. There is no way that we can protect them from the hurtful words that others say. Hopefully, this can be turned into a huge self esteem lifter. I hope this helps, we all feel so helpless when our children are hurting. Maybe we need to get our Josephs together. That is my sons name too!!!! Melissa

thanks melissa, i am doing much of what you said. i did call the doctor after reading your post. i think he needs a thorough checkup. i am afraid that we are over congratulating him on his slimming down and he is equating his worth with his appearance. i have no idea how long he has been hiding his lack of food intake and i agree he needs a full checkup. let's do get the boys together. jospeh is constantly taking a back seat to his older brother (they are 17 mos. apart) and it would be nice for joseph to have a friend he doesn't need to "share". his birthday is july 21st and we are planning a great party for him. he is a sports fanatic and wants to go to the baseball game. I HATE BASEBALL!!! but i will be there with bells on unless he wants it to be just a "guy" thing. he is so close to his dad and i am not always invited.

Sherry- Maybe one day we can meet at the waterpark or something. My joseph turns 9 August 3rd, so they are really close in age. I hope and pray that everything works out for you all. Let me know if there is anything that I can do. Melissa

that sounds great. if july 22nd is open (i think that is the game night) for you please plan on your joseph coming to the party.

That makes me so angry!!! You know that children don't get that way by themselves. Somewhere out there is the parent(s) of the little girl who taught her to be mean and nasty and to judge people based on their looks. I've read that it is never good to put children on restrictive diets. Since their bodies are growing and brains developing they need all the nutrition they can get. The emphasis should be put on healthy choices (like Melissa said) and activity. You HAVE to eat to be healthy, though that is probably not easy to explain to an 8 year old. Emphasize all the things that he excels at. Let him know that ugliness is from the inside. Ugly mean people are the most unattractive people around. There is not enough make-up in the world to cover an ugly soul. Teach him to be a good person. Let him know that those girls chose him as a target because they are insecure about something within themselves. He should feel sorry for them and not let them dictate his life. In a few more years, those girls will probably be trying to pass him love notes anyway. Kathy

Sherry, Words can have such power over a child whether positive or negative. After all we all just want to fit in. My heart aches for your son to be dealing with such hurtful stuff at the tender age of 8 Sherry you just have to cotinue to do what you've been doing...encourage, love, love, love, and then encourage some more. My sons when they were younger both battled with poor body image...kids can be cruel little buggers.. I just continually told them how wonderful, smart, kind, caring, awesome, special, good looking, and loved they are. Believe it or not they're 18 and 22, and I still tell them. Momma's always looking out for her man-cubs I would also do things with them idividually that made them feel special. Things that emphasized thier strengths, or just fun things like movies, amusement parks, go cart riding, etc. My older son loved football, so that was his thing. My younger son was a book worm, so special trips to Barns and Noble, or the library for that special book would thrill him to no end. Eventually through the youth group in our church they found true friends and learned what being a good friend really is. Don't get me wrong, they still came across kids that were cruel for one reason or another, but they learned not to turn that cruelty inward. And I thank God for that. It's hard for them to hear us at times, because they figure we're gonna say good things...we're Mom. But I believe Love will always cover a multitude of sin. When I see thier kindness, courtesy, patience, and love for others, I know I've done the best job I could, the make me proud to be a parent. I think getting together with Melissa and her son is an awesome idea. Stay encourage and keep encouraging him Tonya

tonya, melissa, and kathy, thanks so much for the words of encouragement. we took an afternoon together and talked alot!!! he wanted to go to wal-mart and shop for good healthy foods. i was utterly amazed at what he has picked up. he was reading all the labels and i allowed him to pick what he wanted. his (and i do mean his) schdule for the next two days. i wouldn't allow him to go further than that because i felt he needed to see how these two days go. breakfast - 1 serving raisin bran (7 grams of protein) with 1 cup skim milk snack - 94% fat free popcorn (he opted for snack size and will split with lunch. lunch - ham and turkery sandwich, no mayo and 2 peices light white bread and fruit cup (in it's own juice) snack - nutrigrain bar dinner - fat free hot dog with turkey chili and light wheat bun , cheese stick (2% milk) and carrot sticks snack - sugar free popscicle he also picked up 98% fat free ravioli (loaded with protein) and other high protein foods like cheese sticks, tuna, lean meat. he kept looking for low fat high protein. he did this on his own. i just couldn't believe he had been listening to me talk so much to my hubby. he said he read my diet manual too. i finally convinced him there is a sizable (no pun intended) difference in me, a 36 year old woman who needs to lose 115lbs, and him a little boy who doesn't need to lose but eat healthy to grow into his size. thanks again, we all feel better. he is going to see the doctor though. i think his problems are much more deep seeded than he lets on.

Sherry, Please call me! Hugs, Melony

hey i tried to call. i am back home now though. 228-7442