I am not a falure i am a sham !!!!!

I guess the best place to start would be of course the beginning. On 8/5/04 I had lap RNY what I think was 120 cm proximal. Or was it distal? In the grand scheme of things I guess it doesn’t really matter. What matters is that I got here and in one piece less then a piece then I used to be, Anyway. The day before wls I weighed in at 294 pounds. I had a pretty good and uneventful surgery with no complications. I was worried if I was going to fail at this before my surgery and soon after those thoughts where on my mind a lot. I think because I was considered a light weight( not in my book) and needed to loose 134 pounds to be in a healthy BMI. Well my worst fears had begun at my 2 week post op I lost 6 pounds. By my 2 months out I was - 22 pounds. Oh boards said don’t get stuck in the numbers ect. ect. My hope hung on and I tried even harder to make sure to abide by every rule with extreme control and not faulting a bit. When I didn’t loose or lost very little I began my old negative self talk . Beating myself up , I need to drink more then 64 oz of water, I need to exercise harder. Eat slower, smaller bites. Ect. ect. By my 3ed month 45 pounds gone. That was still not good enough for me . I became very scared and sometimes panicked. I would go to the OH boards and such different groups. I went to my area support groups and always found conflicting info, but I was willing to try even harder. I journal all my caloric intake in fit day right down to the 5 calories in my calcium chews. I kept a emotional journal and went to therapy . Dimmit this will work for me…… if I could only do it better . The slower my loss the harder on myself I became. I went back to the internet and saw this thing about using your tool and “water loading” how to be successful you must drink water and lots of it (Google it ..doesn’t work) I for a few days it dint keep me “ full longer” and I wasn’t less hungry. In the back of my mind I thought there may be a problem because I could gulp down almost a 16 oz water and barely feel it, but I continued on my quest to keep plugging my way and trying not to sweat it. At the beginning of my 4^th month my worst fear became reality, a gain of 2 pounds then the next week lost 2 pounds then lost 2 pounds more the following. Hooray I’m going to lose now yea! Nope not an ounce not anything for a month solid. Month 4 no loss! I became very aware of the fact that I was failing or my tool was failing me or even both. By my 6^th month I was down 61.5 pounds. My encouragement from my support groups and co workers kept me going with compliments. People who would never even look at me began to speak to me my loss was very noticeable. I think this was a god send and a curse. It was a curse in the fact the next 6 months went from 10 pounds a month to 2 or 4 pounds if I was lucky. I was petrified that this was the end. I kept running into people I haven’t seen in a long time and I was the center of attention at gatherings. Sad to say in the back of my mind I am thinking yah I look great now but I have a long way to go, I am not even half way yet. The OH message boards where worse people where loosing way faster then me and I could not stop comparing myself. At my 10th month I was down to 217 and I fought hard to get there. I was now 77. 5 pounds I looked good from what people told me, I didn’t see it. At 1 week before my 1 year anniversary I put on 3 pounds with my period 221 pounds! I was crushed. Then on the my anniversary date I was 226 pounds. Now what!? I did the old cottage cheese test. I really could not get a feel for full never could in the beginning, I tried that darn cottage cheese test on 3 separate occasions thinking I did it wrong. I have to say I am not one to give up ,so I went back to the drawing board latterly and read and reread how to do the test. Nothing still had no idea if I was full…. but I do know I hate cottage cheese now! Now once again the fear and doubt set in. my mind begins with “see now I did it I broke my pouch I stretched i****er loading. So here I am fast forward 3 more years at 4 years post op, almost to the month sept 4^th 2007 I had my 2^nd chance ….. The irony more later .......thanks for listening, Kim