Fell off the face of the Earth...

After returning from a 2 week vacation at a friend's home out of state, I came home weighing half a pound less than when I left. Felt pleased about that. THEN...I went on to gain 5 pounds. This is my first weight gain (I'm 17 months out) and was shocked and distressed to the core. After feeling panicked, like I failed (and all 100+ pound regain was inevitable) and stressing majorly, I called my dietician. She said calm down. Yes, people regain weight for a variety of reasons and she was very glad I called her right away rather than waiting until I had gained another 20. She said go back to your low carb high protein diet, make sure I am logging everything I eat and also to keep in touch. Today I had a session with my Disordered Eating Counselor and she was very helpful, too. It turns out that this is an old pattern for me. I go on vacation and don't gain weight and then come home to put on pounds. In the past, that meant adding 20 pounds. She helped me see some things that are behind this pattern (I've been seeing her since about 4 months prior to my roux-en-y) and we are looking at some strategies to use in the future - which is a good thing b/c I am going on a 12 day vacation late September into October.

She also talked about my self-esteem being tied to the number on the scale. Which I guess is my next big issue to be dealing with. I grew up very skinny (I went through periods where my mother only let me eat once every 2 to 3 days) and she ridiculed me for being skinny and had names she called me, etc. When we moved into a town (I had been a country kid), then I had other avenues to get food and my weight normalized and she then called me fat (I was in the 120s in high school) and ridiculed me that way. My grandmother was obsessed with my weight then, too, and kept telling me I should lose "a good 20 pounds". No wonder I worry constantly about what others think or are judging me by my weight.

Has anyone else had to find new ways of thinking about themselves after they lost their weight? Was it difficult to change those inner messages to something more neutral? I'm not into "body positivity" but rather "body neutrality" which fits me much better at my age. I'm grateful everyday for all that my body provides me and helps me accomplish. I'd love to not even think about weight issues when I see someone. I've always been on my way up or down with my weight throughout my life so staying at one weight feels foreign (and yet so good). My hope is that at 67, I can stop worrying that others are judging me as being too fat or that I haven't lost enough weight, etc.

Yes, that is why you'll see many reminders that the surgery is a physical fix not a mental one! We still need to work on our brains. Some times that is one day at a time, some times it's one decision at a time.