Ninety days ago yesterday was my surgery date and I feel as though I was just released from the hospital due to all the drama I have suffered. Things are somewhat better because I had to remove myself from the main person who continues to disturb my peace, my only daughter. Oh yes it bothers me very much but I can no longer internalize and worry about or address her dysfunctional, emotional rages that she places on me. My main priority is to be healed and move on with my life. No matter who and what has to go my answer is ...bye, bye, bye!!! Can anyone else relate to the need to adjust some people in your life to focus on yourself?

I am a 54 year-old DD of a 90 year-old mother who lives 80 miles RT from me. I've been her main companion and helper since my father died in 1974 when I was 12 years old (my brother was already grown and gone). Did I mention I've been doing this since I was 12? I am trying to get my out-of-state brother to cooperate with moving mom into assisted living now instead of waiting because I am more than burned-out and desperately trying to do like you said--focus on myself. Because he legally holds the purse strings, I am forced to wait and hear these remarks: "all you want to do is stick Mom away some place." "why are you helping Mom the least when she needs you the most?" "instead of woe is me, you need to suck it up." "it wouldn't be good for Mom to move near me because she needs friends and family around."

All I'd like to hear is "whatever you decide and whatever happens, I will support you because I'm not there." My problems are my problems and there are people with worse, but yes, I can relate.

Thanks so much for sharing! I hope your brother stops being so selfish real soon. Although I am a newbie to this WLS lifestyle, I am realizing more and more that I MUST come first. I can no longer allow anyone to openly offend me and excuse themselves from doing so and then expect me to be ok with it. I may need to do without them for awhile and I will be fine because this life threatening issue must be addressed!

Take Care & Be Well :-)

If your mom has the money, decide what you can continue to do - you're probably not a spring chicken yourself anymore and 40 miles is not very close. (don;t be offended, I 'm almost 60). Find an elder attorney and get your mom placed properly or get help into her home. Go to a court if you still need your brother to loosen the purse strings (if the money is hers). If the money is your brothers, it is a different story.

These are not easy issues. I hope you have some good counters to his crap - like you don't want to spend money on her, you would rather she fall at home that be in a safe place where she will have 24 care.

Glad you're not letting these issues derail your goals.

Huh. Must be a Northern MN male thing. My uncle was the same way with my paternal Grandmother. He was her only LIVING child and my mom's family (nieces, nephews, brothers -n-sisters; aka my Grandma's IN-LAWS) looked in on her and took care of her health needs and home repair/driveway plowing, snow shoveling. But since he was throwing money at the problems, he was doing his part, right?

When my Grandma ended up needed bypass and had an outcome, and my 20 year old sister (a kid) was left with her in Fargo, having to make medical decisions and not knowing what is "the right thing to do" he really dragged his heels getting there..and spent almost NO TIME at the hospital with his Mom.

Then it comes time to clean out her house (he inherited everything), her senior care/assisted living apartment, and he thinks we should be there to do it with/for him...and then cops an attitude.

I ripped him a new one. I made him cry. I totally let him know how and WHY he failed...and how he was such a freaking let down (aka all Grandma wanted was him at her side for the surgery, she was scared. She wanted her son. She didnt need her Granddaughters. She needed her SON. She did not want her son's money, she NEEDED her son's support).

To this day, he doesnt talk to me. He tells my mother he will not until I apologize. I will not apologize, because I meant every word I said and did not tell any falsehoods.

Interestingly, I rarely think of him though..only in these types of situations. I do not regret setting him straight. I only regret I didnt do it sooner. Maybe he would have had his butt at Grandma's side, where it should have been the whole time.

PS. Tell your brother to stuff it, it is his turn to take care of mom.

How old is your daughter?

She is 37 but I am curious as to why you asked her age?

Wondered if she was a child or teenager. Sounds like she is grown up and old enough to be on her own.

Zsnaani, absolutely!

Around the time I finally decided to get WLS, my eyes opened up to how selfish my DH is. Since the surgery, it's only become more and more clear how unhealthy our relationship is. I'm removing myself from it in the next couple of months to focus on my mental health, friends, getting physically healthier, and completing my degree.

Yes, I have mixed feelings about it, but when I look at it from a logical, Vulcan-like standpoint, it is without a doubt the best decision for me to exit the scene. **hugs**

Look out for number one,

-LB

LB, I love that you are such a nerd! (and I say that in the most flattering sense of the word)

Live long and prosper.