3 months out from surgery...and I am not in a good space (this might be too much for...

I think this is more common than you think and those of us who have been here a while, have seen it over and over.  Maybe you are more analytical about it BECAUSE you have done so much work as a result of your abuse.  

I would definitely recommend interviewing a few therapists until you find someone you can work with.

Most of all, please stay safe!

Your story really struck a chord with me. I was not sexually abused, but my sister was by our father, and I witnessed it. I can't know the pain of having to live through being molested, however...I do think witnessing it might have "inspired" me to start gaining weight as a teen-ager. Looking back now, I think my train of thought was " okay, my sister is skinny...if I get fat, Dad won't touch me." ( and hey, it worked..he never attempted anything with me. Go me. Of course, it turns out that he probably didn't molest me because I look EXACTLY like his mother, where my sister looks like our mom...and my mother had stopped all marital relations years before. )

You were SO brave to post this, and I commend you.

I don't really have any advice other than keep trying to find a therapist who is a good fit. I wish you nothing but good luck.

I admire your strength and willingness to accept a problem and seek help.  I dont have advice, but I want to offer my support and hope you know you are in my thoughts and prayers for whatever improvement and help you need.  You took the first step! 

As therapists I think we are most at risk for thinking we have our **** together. We can help guide others through their issues because we are a non-biased outside party and we do so much self-work and we can feel so done with our own stuff, but... I think for this reason, and others, I will always be in counseling. My counselor of several years left the practice I go to earlier this year. I started seeing a new counselor and it took me 5 appointments to get used to her. 

Our weight can do many things for us and protection is definitely one of them. Getting attention from men is definitely not something I am used to either. Being sex positive, or a feminist, or being in touch with your body has nothing to do with being comfortable with the amount of sex you are having. Either you are happy with where you at in your life, or you aren't. It is kind of like when I put on a skirt that falls at or above my knee and I say to my husband how liberal I am and how sex-positive I am and how non-****shaming I am, but how I think it is funny I can't stand a skirt above my knee. He points out it's mutually exclusive. One has nothing to do with the other. Your issues are the same. You can still be all those things and be unhappy. Give your therapist a handful of visits, find out what it is that is bugging you (personality, confrontational, etc) and see if it something that is good or bad that isn't working out. Are they pushing your comfort zone or is it just a clash? Dig deep and find your answer. Good luck.

Good luck to you. Please know you are supported. 

I heard two words today....Be Kind... Your answer to this dear woman were very kind :-)

Very Kind indeed.