I have become the cautionary tale I always feared...

I have not posted or even visited OH in a very long time.  It's official...my WLS honeymoon is over (has been for a while) and I have returned to many of my former bad habits and out-of-control behaviours.  This was my BIGGEST fear pre-surgery.  I wasn't worried about the operation itself or the risks...just that I would revert back to doing all the awful things that caused my obesity in the first place. 

I had my RNY WLS in Nov, 2012.  SW was 230.  LW was 112.  CW is 134 :-(  When I reached my lowest weight, I kept telling myself that it was not sustainable.  Some people including the follow up medical staff said that I was a too low and "gaunt" looking.  But I bought tons of size 2 and size 0 clothes and was on an adrenaline high.  My mood and energy level was off the charts (in good ways). 

For the first six months after surgery, eating was not only difficult, it was without pleasure and I was never hungry.  I am not complaining...it was a WONDERFUL feeling to have.  No hunger and no cravings.  Gradually both returned and now they're back with a vengeance.  Over the past year my path has gone down the proverbial "slipperly slope".  It sttarted off that when I craved chocolate, I would indulge in a Reese's peanut butter cup.  Now I have a chocolate bar almost every day.  I eat muffins, cookies, scones, pretzels and other crap on a daily basis.  I eat healthy things too.  In fact, in the last 2 years I've eaten more veggies and fresh fruit than I have in my entire life.  I religiously have raw veggies and low fat cheese for my lunch each day, but then I go off the rails and eat stuff because I crave it, not because I'm hungry.  I wish I suffered from "dumping syndrome" but I don't; although I often feel uncomfortable and my heart races when I eat unhealthy foods.  But does that cause me to not reach for crap the next time?? No!!  I've been a vegetarian for 23 yrs and continue to be...the protein thing is a challenge but I certainly get enough between the low-carb protein shakes and bars, and beans, yogurt, etc.

There are other rules that I'm breaking too and things are out of control.  For the first 2 years post-surgery, I only drank protein shakes and water.  Now I've gone back to diet pop.  I thought it would be an occasional treat. I was kidding myself. Now I often drink it with unhealthy food!!!  I don't always wait 30 mins before or after a meal to drink.  That's another big no-no. 

For months I've been trying unsuccessfully to do the 5-day pouch test.  I found it easy to fast on protein shakes for 2 weeks pre-surgery, but do you think I can get through 2 lousy days doing it now?  Anyway, I'm trying again today and telling others (including everyone out there on OH) so that I'm more committed.  I really want my pouch to feel like it did after surgery.

I despise myself for allowing all my bad habits to take over my life again.  I swore that I could not let that happen, and it has. WLS was my final hope and I'm screwing it up big time.  I'm seeing an excellent psychiatrist and getting to the root of my eating issues, but knowledge does not seem to be a cure for them.  Day after day I engage in self-sabotaging behaviours.  And the more I do that, the worse I hate myself.  Hard cycle to break.

While I can't get back to 112 lbs, I want to weigh 120...that will make me feel in control and good about myself, and many of my clothes will fit again.  These 14 lbs seem almost as overwhelming as the 100+ that I lost.  (When I was big as a barn, and thin or average-size people would complain to me about gaining 10 lbs, I was flabbergasted and annoyed.  Now I understand their concerns.)

This was a long post.  Thank you for listening!!  Your input would be appreciated; I am open to receiving strong/harsh feedback.  I really need to turn things around quickly and permanently before things get any worse.

Oh Honey Moon I am experiencing EVERYTHING you just typed but I have not had the surgery yet! I'd like to use your example of what could happen even if I have the surgery. My behavior is exactly like your behavior! I love love bad food and am addicted to it but I will have healthy meals as well. I am not a vegetarian and do eat meat but I hate the way it smells and looks while cooking, so I stay away from the stuff.  I do get protein from beans, eggs, and a little tofu. I also use whey and protein bars and greek yogurt.

But just like you I have to have junk food each day and that time of the month is the worst...because then there is extra junk while I relax from all the bad cramps. Do I need to see a psychologist...probably...I know I have a love/hate relationship with junk food for I see it as my friend if not my only best friend in the world because I feel so good eating it. But afterwards I feel awful and have nightmares and feel sluggish and can't sleep but the next day sure enough it's right there. HELP!! And if I try my best to be strong and NOT buy it I'm thinking of it all day and can't stop thinking about it. And really, that's got to change if I want to keep living a healthy life. But I don't know how to and now that I'm on my weigh to wls I have to but how???

Hey btw what is the 5-day pouch test?

WLS_HoneymoonIsOver, while I am still a "newbie" and not very far out from my surgery, I can COMPLETELY emphasize with your plight and your struggle with food.  Coming from my own experience as a recovering alcoholic (25 years) and a compulsive over eater, I feel your pain and your conflict.  I remember drinking to excess (and beyond) and hating myself for my self-destructive behaviors, loss of self-control, loss of pride and loss of friends and support.  I burned many bridges with my alcoholism.  I used to binge eat and hide my wrappers and all the while was gaining weight and hating myself. I knew what I was putting into my body was wrong and was harming my health and well being, but I still did it.  With that said, I encourage you to not only continue seeing your therapist (smart move by the way!), but maybe seek out an Overeaters Anonymous meeting, go check out a few meetings and listen to what others have to say, if you find someone you can relate to ask them to be your sponsor and they will hold you accountable for your food (you'd call in your committed food list every morning to your sponsor). At meetings, you'll learn how to work the "steps" to abstain from your overeating and develop awareness over your "addiction."  Or, if meetings don't seem to work for you, you could always post on "What are you eating today" and commit your food for the day.

I'm glad that you posted.  There are a lot of really supportive people on this board and I hope you keep coming back.

WOW ... You have courage to write your post. Your fear is many of our fear. You sound like your getting back on track. Instead of beating yourself up ... Move forward. You can't change the past. Is your glass half full or half empty? 

It was hard coming back to OH after I had my band and gained back. I never was considered a success story with my band (I did not lose 50% of my excess body weight even during my honeymoon period when I was busting my butt). Even so, I had lost 80 pounds so I was proud to be here when I was losing, but when the scale started going the other way I had nothing to say... I was so embarrassed. It took me years to finally say I was ready for WLS and that I was worth it and then, I screwed up. I know some of it is band issues for me, but not all of it. I went back to drinking with my meals, I went back to grazing, introducing in some of my old favorite foods, etc.

I know I need to start tracking my foods again, but seeing a food log staring back at me is hard. I eat good meals - my breakfasts, lunches, and dinners are nutritious, but the inbetween snacks were piling up I have made some good progress in the past year and lost 15 pounds, but weight lost has always been painfully slow for me (thanks PCOS!). 

Being here is also good accountability for me. I hope you find what you need to help you get back on track. Friend me if you need someone to talk to.

Hi,

First of all, you took the right step to post here for help/guidance...so for that, congratulations!  Also, congrats on your great WL!  It's NEVER too late to get back on the horse and ride.  Go back to basics, get help from a therapist  if necessary (with your head hunger, as we ALL experience it).  Don't give up on yourself!  You really can do this!  Good luck!

JA

RNY 7/21/2004 -100 lbs forever!!!

Part of getting back on track is being honest and recognizing when we are messing up... so you are on the right track there... My only suggestion would be-- go cold turkey on the starchy carbs for a while... to get back in control...

It seems like your regain is remarkably small for how off-track you reported; couldn't help wonder if your "screwing up on a daily basis" could be more like regain-panic-exaggeration instead (you do seem particularly hard on yourself.)  Please consider sharing your psychiatrist eating-related comments or tips with us who either can't afford to pay for sessions or never went to see someone in the first place.  Your post prompted me to get up from the computer chair, go outside, get on the bicycle and pedal until my crotch got sore, then I pedaled some more.  Come to think of it, what choice do we all have but to KEEP PEDALING.

Thanks for sharing. Good for you for realizing this whole you are within 10 pounds of your goal. For me it's 15 pounds...taught me to weigh in regularly to really confront what was going on...no it's not easy but it sure is worth it. I'm worth it. You are worth it! We can do this!!!

I feel as if I had written this myself. My wls was Jan 2012. My sw 248, my lw 162. I am now up to 184, and out of control. I am hungry all the time, food is first and foremost on my brain, I can not make it through the 5 day pouch test, I am certain I am self sabotaging , it is very depressing and the feeling of ultimate failure is constant on my brain, yet I keep shoving it in. In therapy, each day I feel I will start anew. wondering why. The struggles are so very real. As everyone said before surgery, the mind is the hardest to deal with.