HI Gang,

I am writing just to vent and seek advice. i wonder if I am crazy.

I have struggled with MO my whole life it seems.  I could get down to a normal size and maintain it through a whole lot of crazy mechanisms if I tried hard when I was young and dumb.  In highschool I was normal.  I ballooned up in the back half of college (probably from undiagnosed PCOS) then lost it for the first half of grad school and balloon back up for the back half of grad school and all of post docing.  I was never able to get the weight off.

So now that I am at a normal/healthy weight, I am so happy. I recognize that the second year is a dangerous time as self-policing drops and the surgery is no longer "new."

As a result, I am EXTRA-diligent about what I eat, my gym time, and what I do at the gym.  When I tell my colleagues that I gotta run because I am scared I might gain weight, they say things like "You need to get your head fixed." Or "You should talk to someone about these fears."

Last night, I was hang out with an ex-bf who is an artist and remarked that I need to eat more (he doesnt know I had the surgery) because if I were a building he would be drawing the framework NOT what made the building beautiful.

I am so scared of weight regain.  It has happened twice in the past.  I feel like if I dont keep a clamp down on it (i.e. my weight), then I will get obese again and I will have no options to get the weight OFF.  It has happened twice before (i.e. huge weight gains)...so I feel as if the possibility of it happening again is very real especially with the phenomenon of rebound/bounce back weight.

Are my fears valid?  Are they out of proportion.

P.S. of the people that have said this to me. Two were overweight and one was normal sized. Though two recovering aneroxics (who didnt know I had the surgery) had an intervention with me prior to reaching my goal weight citing my food portions were too small.

Also-I understand that gaining weight back isnt the end of the world. It is not like cancer or something HUGE.  But it would feel THAT BIG to me.  i have worked so hard!!!

Do I need a psychologist?

I'm pre-VSG, so take this with a grain of salt.  Better to be mindful, and fearful of weight regain, than to be blissfully ignorant of the possibility.

Do you keep a food journal?  If you do, just monitor it to ensure you're nourishing your body with the food you eat, taking your vitamins, etc.  So long as you're healthy and getting sufficient nutrition with your calories, I say a little fear isn't such a bad thing.

However- if that fear is causing you to do unhealthy things...then you might see someone.

You look beautiful by the way, and I've read lots of your posts and you seem totally even keeled to me (an economist....not psychologist!)

Your fears are valid, but outside of here and your husband, no one really wants to hear it. Why do you talk about it to everyone? Why can't you just say you love running and need to run to clear your head? Or if someone is pushing food, just decline? If you keep talking about it people will keep saying things like that.

Many of us fear regain, and it is a healthy thing inasmuch as it helps keep us diligent in our new habits, but I have I win a number of people both here and IRL whose fear of regain is at an unhealthy level.

I agree completely with Laura's comment. Most of us lose some of that "desperate" feeling fear as we navigate the waters of years 2-5 and realize that this is not an all or nothing (keep off every pound or regain uncontrollably) proposition, and that we will always have this tool to help us control our weight. Without any other information, I expect that you will have the same experience. What sends up a yellow flag for me, though, is the fact that it sounds like the fear is strong enough and consuming enough that you feel you need to mention it to others. There can be a number of reasons for mentioning your fear to others, but the bottom line is that other people cannot ease that particular fear no matter how they respond, so mentioning it to them actually only serves to reinforce the fear.

I don't know that you need a psychologist, but with all of the psychological and emotional changes of the weight loss and other life changes, counseling might be useful.

Lora

I think ultimately the goal in all of this should be to be healthy in body (not necessarily a particular scale # or size) and healthy in mind... part of that work includes developing a healthy relationship with food & exercise... developing a sustainable lifestyle and avoiding getting into the diet rollercoaster mindset (the vicious cycle... fear, anxiety, guilt, deprivation, etc.) that brought many of us to obesity. Create a healthy life... whatever that looks like to you (we're all different) if yours is hitting the gym each day and a set amount of calories or portion size a week... find your zen zone, develop your routine, one you can sustain forever and people that don't get it well that's their issue not yours... learn the phrase "it works for me" ;) 

Some fear is a good thing... I remember why I started, I remember what life was like and I don't want to go back to those days for sure and it does motivate me to make the healthiest choices I can each day. 

Only you know whether it's slipped into something unhealthy. Gotta run (out of fear of getting fat again or to cancel out a unhealthy food choice) or Want to run (to be healthy, its good for me, makes me feel good)

I think most people can benefit from sharing their feelings with a professional and would suggest it regardless.

I understand what you're saying.  My mother,  who has never weighed over 100 pounds, is always telling me not to exercise so much, or l exercise too much, etc.  I run 3 times a week and go to the gym 2-3 days after work.  My weight fluctuates a pound or two,  but l am holding pretty steady.  She doesn't understand the reality and/or possibility of regain if l don't change my lifestyle.  

In first 2 years or so...i was obsesed...then it become my new normal. And i become one of the "skinny *****es". I eat food that is good for me. And if i gain 5 lbs - i limit what and how much i eat, until that is gone. 

I don't talk about it but it is a healthy fear of regain that makes it easy for me to say No to offers of "bad food" and keeps me motivated to keep moving.

Without that fear it would be easy to go back to old habits.

I like what Laura said with making a statement like I love to run.

Story of my life. I, too, have PCOS that caused me to gain weight. I am so fearful of weight gain. I've been told the exact same things as you, the #1 being I needed to talk to someone about it but I personally don't think it's a bad thing to be fearful of gaining weight when you've worked so hard to get if off. I wouldn't let it go as far as it ruling your life or making you think if you ate like an apple you'll gain 10 lbs. Get me? But, I don't think it's bad that you want to stay conscious of it, I think not being fully aware of what we were eating is what helped us gain weight in the first place.

I think it's a normal and reasonable fear.  I also think that we are afraid of being judged (more harshly than others) because we went to such extreme measures to lose weight and if we gain weight we will be HUGE failures. . . even worse than all the other times when we ALL failed at keeping weight off.  I'm almost 28 months out.  It does get a little more normal, but it also gets a little easier to eat more.  Track what you eat and weigh everyday.  That's how you will maintain.