MY LONG AWAITED PROFILE UPDATE

7/26/05: It has been over 3 months since I updated my profile. Where has the time gone? I don't seem to have time to breath anymore. First off, married life is wonderful! I am so happy and Dan is the best thing, aside from my kids, that has come into my life. We have been struggling financially. Dan switched jobs taking a $2 an hour pay cut. He is much happier where he is now. He is still working for the government but at a different base. So I went back to work. Took me a long time to find a job in graphic design, But I got one. I am designing their catalog, flyers, email blasts, and soon, their website. I am not working a full week, only about 30 hours, but I am so absorbed in the graphic design field that it takes every waking second. I just bought a mac laptop to make my job easier. My boss only has windows computers. UGH! So for the last 2 weeks I have been between both my desktop mac and my laptop mac trying to get them to work properly. I had to re-format one of my hard drives on my power mac. That was a huge mess trying to back up files first. Well, I have everything working about 90% now. Still trying to work out some bugs. My son just graduated high school last month. We got him a used car. So I have been teaching him how to drive, helping him get is permit, and license (not until sept. 12th), taking him back and forth to work (20 minutes each way with no traffic, and that is all highway). I am tired. I have been on and off doing my garden. More off than on because of money and work. As for exercise, I have no time. By the time I do have time, I have other things I need to do also. I have not been online except to research things for months. My eating has done to **** I eat too much now. I fell off the carb wagon. I was doing great for the first year. They it all went my the wayside. I am eating sicilian bread, oatment cookies, chocolate, chocolate chip muffins, blueberry muffins, etc. Lately I have been on this fruit kick. BIG TIME! I am eating fruit until it comes out of my ears. I eat about 5 large peaches a day! Then maybe a plum, banana, pear, nectarine, or whatever fruit I can get my hands on. So basically fruit is my luncha nd snacks for the day. Dinner has been more than it should too. I get nowhere near the protein I need, or water, or vitamins. I am on new meds too. I take celexa for depression, wellbutrin for anxiety, ritilin for ADD, and a host of smaller meds. Sometimes if I take the ritilin too late, I can feel myself getting aggrevated. Like right now. But on the other hand, I can accomplish so much more than I ever have in my life. When I garden, I garden with a vengence, same with work. It makes me lose my appetite. Thank God for that. BUT... If I do eat something like fruit, I start getting hungry and want to eat and eat. I have put on about 13lbs since I got married in Dec. That is not good. I hate the way I look and feel. I have forgotten what the benefits of protein and water are to losing weight. Will taking more protein and water make me lose? Og God, where do I find time to move? My job is sit down, my work at home is sit down, and then I go to bed. Weekends have been so hot and I will not go out in the heat. Talk about hating the heat! I get real *****y! We haven't done a damn thing this summer so far. Dan and I usually go to swap meets, car shows, races (drag), and a bunch of other things. We haven't been able to do anything! With the price of gas the way it is(right now 2.40), we can't afford to take out the RV or truck. With me working really helps with the bills but just this past week we lost our car insurance and cable and internet. I got them back but that is the first time in a very long time that has happened. My 17 year old son is a manager in a new restaurant. He does waitering too and makes about $150 a night. Damn, he makes more than I do! He wants to move out in sept. and he is starting college (community college first then a university for teaching)in sept. He just got back from europe that he paid for himself. He has had one great year so far. He just too a trip to NY with his brother to spend some quality time with their father. I am so proud of my kids that it isn't even funny. They ARE the best! My oldest almost lost his fingers. He works in construction and one day at home, he was trying to build something and the biscuit joiner he was using slipped and cut into his hand, down into the bone of his finger and severed tendons. he is almost 23(in one week) And I worry so much about him. So far he has fallen through a roof, almost got electrocuted, nailed his hand twice, drilled his fingernail, and clobbered himself in the head with a hammer. Me, being the mom that I am, just want to lock is ass up to protect him from himself!!! LOLOLOL But that boy tries so hard to fit in. He has always felt inferior to other. No thanks to his low life father who was never there for him. So at work, with all the guys there, he tried to fit in. And he gets razzed by them. he did mostly int he beginning because he was green. But what the f**k??? Why are people like that? He is a great kid, hell, man. Both my boys are great looking, funny, great sense of humor, hearts of gold. Yet in society today, those are not good traits for a guy. They are "supposed" to be tough, rugged, heartless, uncaring. These are not my kids and I hope they never change that. Okay. Now I am going to post here the post I made earlier today. "Hello Everyone. I am ashamed to be popping my head back in after being gone for so long. All I can say is it is not because I don't want to be here. This place is like home and I feel like a runaway child trying to come back. I just haven't had ANY time to be online much anymore. And shame on me for that because I now see the REAL benefit to AMOS. It is not just for the beginning of this journey but all you newbies will soon find out that it is even more benefical the further out you go. I am 17 months out...almost 18. It really is so much harder now. More than I realized. The lucky ones are the ones who can eat like they did in the beginning of this surgery. Those who have continuous willpower. You, my friends, I envy. It is not like that for me. Anyhow, I need to come home. I need to MAKE time to sit on the computer and read profiles, messages, etc. I need to get back. I have regained some. Too much actually. My eating is out of control. Carbs have reared it's ugly head back into my life. But more so, I want them. God help me, I want them and I know I am hurting myself eating them, and sweets, and most of all, over doing even the good stuff. This is what I need right now. I need to read profiles and here from people who are over 1 year out and are regaining or struggling with food. I need to see how others actually got back to doing things the right way. I need to come home. Joanne PS.... Vicki and Lelina, Thank you so much for caring and writing to see how I am. I promise to get back to where I belong and update my profile and Vicki, you'll hear from me soon. I haven't forgotten my friend." This is how I felt today. I still do. I wasn't even going to post on my profile today but I saw some people, especially on the Feb board...HELLO EVERYONE!!!!! said that they read my profile and I hadn't updated since April. And they are right. I owe them and all of you so much for being there for me, even though I wasn't there for myself. Now if some of you can email me and tell me how to get back on track and how to stop the voices from telling me to eat, I would be so happy. My tummy wants to eat and eat on large amounts. Funny, I can eat two whole large peaches and them eat 2 more 30 minutes later but then can only have 1 piece of chicken. I need to get back to more solid foods. Here is something for all of you newbies. Right now you are obsessed with doing things right. Counting carbs, calories, protein, water, etc. One day you will not be obsessed with this. You will stop thinking constantly about what you can and can't eat. You will stop thinking about sugars and such being bad. And you will slip. You might even gain some back. Here is my advice. I am not going to say get back on the bandwagon. You will know that. I am not going to say more protein and water and exercise. You will know that also. I am going to say this though. Chances are, when this happens (and it is not like this for everyone) you would have been coming to the boards less and less. This is a HUGE mistake. Even if you are eating a lot and gaining, you have to come back home. This is where you belong and this is where you need to be for your support. As hard as it is for me to come back with a 13 pound gain. I know I can't do without the constant reminding (drilling you might say) of what I have to do every day. I play to God that he helps me remember where I came from, helps me not go back there, and helps me find my home again. You and this site...are my home.