CAN YOU RELATE TO THIS????

This is a profile entry I just added. I think I need some help here. 1/8/05: I have a few minutes to write down some feelings I have. If you want to skip it, please do so cause it is just going to be some self absorbed ramblings. I just realized that yesterday was one month ago that I weighed 189. Today I am 195. I have been fluctuating between 193 and 197. I was able to get into the 180's for about 10 minutes. Then BOOM...I'm outta there. How depressing. Every day is a serious struggle to not eat all the time. I am 11 months out and can eat all day if I let myself graze. THAT is what is hard to stop. It is not so bad when I am busy but I am not busy all the time. So on the down times (which seem to be many) I fight the grazing monster. Lately, I have been losing. Okay people, understand this, which I wish someone said to me, there will come a time when you are not as absorbed in the wls stage anymore. You go about your daily life. That is when things happen. I can't see where people say that 1-2 years out they can eat very little. I can eat a normal wls portion for a meal but then I want to eat again shortly after. My brain just wants to keep eating. Is it from depression, meds, anxiety, frustration, happiness????? Could be. I noticed that when I get anxiety I want to eat. I also notice that I want to eat when I feel down and lonely. I just don't know what to do about it. Don't think this demon we all live with goes away. It is there just waiting to rear it's ugly head again. Mine started coming back about 2 months ago. How do I battle this? I can't keep busy all the time. Thoughts of failure come into play when I see that I am not losing anything. Also thoughts of this dream fading away and life going back to the way it was. This is a lifelong battle. Remember how you battled everyday when you dieted in the past? It will happen again. Only this time you know it is for life or you wasted all yur time and energy and gone through all the pain for nothing. Doesn't make it easier to do though. It's even harder cause there is more at stake for giving up. This morning I got up and had a Hood Carb Countdown yogurt with a small can of peaches (carb clever brand) and 1/4 cup of Kashi Go Lean Crunch cereal mixed together. Then my son came and told me that he was going to play pool with his friend and my sister and her friend. This went up my a$$ cause my sister has always tried to "move in on me and my son". He would never think about having his mom go out with him and his friend but he would with my sister. Green eyed monster? Yes and with good reason. Just don't have enough room on the internet to get through all the explainations. So as soon as he left, I ate again. Now mind you, I wasn't hungry. I just NEEDED to eat. So I had 2 whole graham crackers with peanut butter and no sugar added jelly. I didn't need it. I WANTED it for comfort. This is a major problem with me. I know half of what I eat I don't need. But I eat it for comfort. What do I do about it? I have no clue. I can't go to support meetings cause they are on Thursdays and I am in school. I have no friends to turn to. No one would understand this. So I turn here. I don't even know if anyone is going to read this. Probably not. I hate exercising alone. And most of the time I am alone at home. I am not working yet. That is on the top of my list for the new year. I already made an appointment with career services at school to help me with job placement. but that is a ways off before I get a job. And even then, I will be sitting 8 hours a day. I guess I am feeling pretty alone right now. No one except people here would understand this. I suppose just writing this down helps. At least I can see it in print and look back at patterns. What to do about it is another story. Joanne

Joanne, You are not alone, I will pray for you to find the courage & strength to get back on track again. Remember ,you can DO anything you need to do even when it is not easy. I have not had wls yet but I should have a date in Feb. Food can RUN our life if we let it. You have already had surgery... see how far you have come. Be gentle with yourself. Elizabeth

Hi Joanne, Yes.... I can relate! I did something very similar last night. The rest of my family was having a roast pork and potatoes for dinner. I know I can't have pork so I had it stuck in my head that I wasn't eating dinner so I was missing out. I looked all over the fridge, the cupboards....all I could find was soup and I had soup earlier for lunch! Now, I could have had an egg beaters, or cottage cheese, or a shake. But it wasn't "dinner"! So, I pouted and watched everyone eat and then they all went out to get a movie and guess what I did? You got it! I ran to the fridge and pulled out a plate of leftovers (fettacini alfredo with chicken) and heated it up. The 3 mintues that it took for it to heat up in the microwave was enough time for me to come to my senses. "What the hell was I doing?" #1 Old behaviors!!!!!! I had what they call "stinkin' thinkin"! where you basically set yourself up for disaster by not taking care of yourself. I should have planned better knowing that we were having pork roast for dinner and I should have gotten something else for me! #2 I immeadiately starting looking for something to eat as soon as my "witnesses" left the house! VERY dangerous behavior! #3 I almost ate the WORST thing in the world! Pasta and cheese sauce?? wow! That would have hurt! Joanne.... This is the part of wls that is the most difficult. Believe me when I tell you that we are all going through this! The only thing I can advise to you is to keep being aware of your behaviors and TELL someone! When you tell someone (whether it be a wls person or a family member or a friend) it get's it out in the open. It get's you to be honest about your emotional health! This way you can't hide. If you hide the truth of how you really feel, you are destined to hurt yourself. Eventually, you are going to have to talk to your sister and your son about their relationship and how it affects you. You don't have to do it right away and I certainly don't advise that you to do it when you're upset. But, for right now, take care of you. I know that wls isn't top on my list every day either and I am forever going off of my diet or eating the "wrong" thing. wls wasn't supposed to be the answer to all of our problems! It was a tool. That's it! The rest of this journey is up to you to figure out and there are several ways to do it. There are other meetings that you can attend other than wls meetings. There are over eaters anonymous or TOPS (taking off pounds sensibly) or even weigh****chers. It's about the behaviors, not the surgery. I would even look into therapy. It doesn't have to be with someone that is familiar with wls, but it should be focused on your weight and eating habits. I hope you're feeling better and I am glad that you asked for help. It's so important that you get support from others! Take care... Megan B

Wow Megan! You being completely honest like this ha**** home. I don't feel so alone now. I just read your profile. Did you start a support group yet around here? I am in Exeter. I think it is a great idea. I don't exercise. Bad me. Never did. I hate it and I don't have anyone to do it with. My family, what is left of them, are in the tiverton/newport area. So I am alone in this part of the state. I was going to Firm Results here in Exeter for a while but down to earth, they were not. Very snobby. So that stopped quickly. I have also gone to curves in North Kingstown. But I don't know anyone and like you said, you need a support system. I bought a few books the other day. One is George Stella's Low Carb Cooking, the other is the South Beach Diet Book, and the third is a journal for low carb dieting. It has a section where you add in your mood, time of day, food, and a few other things. I am hoping by using it so that I can see my pattern of eating. I am sure it is mood related. I know boredom plays a big part. If you need someone to talk to or bounce off of, let me know and I can email you my phone number. Do you go to the meetings at RWH or RIH? Joanne

Joanne, Maybe taking up a hobby like knitting etc. would help you get through the hours or maybe taking a walk for a hour a day or joining a tai chi class there are so many possibilities out there to keep busy if that's what you really want, I think you need a little push to get out there and do these things. About your sister , I think you are so lucky to have a sister that takes interest in your son and takes him places. I think of how life would be like if my sister died when she had breast cancer so you should be so happy to have a sister... when you go to work you can get up at lunch time and do something positive with your lunch time, walk, excerise, etc. You have the choice as to what you eat, at least you can still eat. I have a brain aneurysum ,( I just found out) and have to have more test done tomorrow . I don't have a choice of what to do about it, either surgery or leave it ) What would you do?? Get a hold of your life and start making the right choices. No one is going to do it for you, you have to care enought about yourself to stay healthy & happy. good luck

she's baaaccckkkk..........

Yup its me again. What I say is the truth but no one wants to hear it!!!