VENT/LONG: Upset, Angry, Hurt!

OK, so my surgery is scheduled for October 6, which just happens to be on my moms birthday.  When I told her this a couple weeks ago upon getting the date, she didnt seem thrilled it was on her brithday but the way i see it, its too bad if she doesnt like it. 

Well, I havent talked to her since August 19, not intentionally, I just havent had a chance to call her.  So mom called me this morning on my way to work to see how things were and to say hello.  So as we were talking she asked me if I was nervous yet and I told her not yet, but a few days before, I may be singing a different tune.  At this point I had made mention to her that my dad and even my grandmother (who hates elevators, has had a mild stroke and wears a colostomy bag) are going to come see me while I am in the hospital.  I knew my dad would come but didnt expect my grandmother to seeing as its about a 90 minute drive each way.

Upon telling my mom that they were both going to come see me she said me to "i hope you arent upset that I am not coming up for your surgery."  I told her absoloutely not, she is 800 miles away in NC, i wouldnt expect her to. 

Well here comes the vent!  She told me that she was going to be going to Florida around the time of my surgery to be with my brothers wife b/c she is going to be getting a new pacemaker put in and will be "out of commission: for about 2 weeks and her mom cant handle helping her with both of the kids (one is 4 i think and the other almost a yr).  Now keep in mind, it takes my mom over 6 hours to get to my brothers house as its about 400 miles away.  At this point I just went silent, not intentionally, but I just didnt know what to say and finally at about 11 am while at work, it hit me what a self centered selfish, *****y thing to do by her. 

Now I dont want to sound like a cry baby, but seriously?  My brother and his wife havent even been "together" as long as my wife and I have been married, and we have only been married for 3 years.  Now I understand that my sister in law is having a new pacemaker put in which is a big deal, BUT she has a mother that lives right there, not to mention, what the hell is my brother doing that he cant be there for his wife??  Oh yeah, and they have plenty of friends there that I am SURE are more than willing to help her out, HOWEVER I am having a life-changing MAJOR surgery that is done probably once for every 100 pacemakers being put in, which makes it a helluva lot riskier.  Oh yeah and there is one other thing here, I AM HER FREAKING FIRST BORN SON, HER OWN FLESH AND BLOOD!  and she doesnt have the decency to come to RI to support me in this procedure, but will freaking run to FL for my sister in law just b/c of the kids! 

I just dont even know what to say, think, feel other than a mixed bag of upset, angry and hurt!  I so badly want to call her and tell her how I really feel but I am afraid its either going to fall on deaf ears, or make her so damn upset that she changes her plans and decides to come to RI for me.  At this point, I dont even want her here b/c it will be out of pure pity and I dont need that crap right now.  

I just dont understand what the hell she is thinking.  I wish she hadn't told me she was going to Florida, but whats said is said I suppose.  I guess this is just another one of those times where my brothers families take precident over anything I have going on.  I guess after all these years of her living either in NY or down south and me being in New England I should be used to getting the short end of the stick. 

I am not really sure how to end this, so I will just stop it here.  Thanks for listening/reading.

Brian

When I had my surgery, I did not tell my dad the nature of it, just that it was a "female" thing.  I have lived for years with judgements from my family about my weight, and didn't want it to continue with my decision to have surgery.  Instead, I've relied on a few close friends.  In any event, my step mom did not at the time of surgery, nor has she since, asked how I'm feeling or if I needed anything.  It wasn't what I expected since we live in adjacent cities.  Just goes to prove "you can pick your friends but not your family".

I think you have it spot on with "At this point, I dont even want her here b/c it will be out of pure pity and I dont need that crap right now."  I know it is hurtful when you don't have the support of those you think you should have it from, but my experience showed me to rely on those who were jumping to give it.

I wish you lots of success!

I am not trying to remove validation from your feelings but... do you have kids?  Maybe your mom just feels her grandchildren need her more than you do?   I noticed you wrote JUST because of the kids.  I honestly think you are being self-centered and selfish, not your mother.  They are her flesh and blood too!!

Maybe your brother cannot take off 2 weeks of work to watch the kids while his wife recoups?  When you add children to the mix it really changes things.

While the surgery for putting in a pacemaker might be less involved than WLS it does not mean the healing afterward is any less severe.  She obviously has a weak heart.  I think she will need the help. 

What would your mom do for you that your wife couldn't?  Your mom is going there to take care of her grand kids.  She is needed -  you wrote your SIL mom cannot handle the two kids so that is why your mom is going.

I am not trying to be rude but I really think that you are the one being unreasonable.  After WLS I watched my 2 and 4 yr old all by myself.  My husband had to work -my mom, in laws, and father all live 15-30 minutes away.  My MIL was the only one I saw after surgery because she works at the hospital.  I did not feel jaded at all.  My husband was there for me.

I think you need to go into this knowing that this is your choice and you can do this without being coddled.  WLS is very tough on the mind more than the body.  You have to get yourself in a good place to do this.

Again, I am not trying to be rude, just honest.

Johanna

Hi Johanna!  I dont think you are being rude at all and I do appreciate honesty.  To answer your question, no I do not have any children at this point and I do understand that maybe she feels the need to be there for the grandchildren, but at the same time, she hasnt been north to see me or my wife in over 2 years, instead we have been expected to go to NC to visit, yet she will think nothing of going to visit one of my brothers and his family in Florida once a month.  I know that my SIL will be needing some help, and thats what my mother is going to do, but at the same time, the fact that she hasnt come up here in over 2 yrs also is adding to the frustration b/c I know that she has been to my step brothers a few times who is only 2-3 hours away from where me and my wife are.  I refuse to go to my step brothers b/c we cant stand each other, but we could have meet somewhere in the middle for lunch or dinner, but again, she is to busy with the other children and their children. 
I know it may come off as jealousy, but i had played second, third or even fourth fiddle for 20 yrs now and it just would have been nice for her to even ask if i wanted her to come up to be here for me along with my wife and my dad. 
I am getting past the whole issue and am trying like heck to not let it bother me b/c i know i am going to need to focus everything on the WLS and recovery.  I will get thru it, and it'll be with flying colors.  Again Johanna, thank you for you honesty. 

Brian

I am really glad I did not upset you! After I hit send I regretted it.

I understand what you mean to a point.  My oldest brother is married and has no children and he has expressed many times to me that he feels like "less wanted" because he has no kids.  My dad will make a point to come to my home because he comes to see my kids etc.  He feels like no one cares if he is around because of this.  I told him not to feel so bad - the only reason they  see me is so they can see my kids!  It has nothing to do with me - I just happen to be there!

Do your parents get along?  Mine do not - I try to keep them separate.  Maybe she would rather not see your dad as well?  

I understand why you want her to offer - it makes you feel loved.

Maybe she thinks you do don't "need" her.  My siblings are all needy to different degrees.  Of the three, I am the least needy -emotionally etc.  I notice that my mom does less emotionally supportive stuff for me than she does for my brothers - and even my SIL gets more emotional support from her.  Sometimes I feel like she loves me less - but in reality I know she does not (heck I am probably her favorite because I am the least emotionally draining !!)

I think you should wait until after your surgery - get all healed and get yor energy back... then invite her to come to RI.  Maybe she is waiting for you to ask her?  Maybe she feels like you chose your dad over her?  That happens a lot in divorce!  OMG - when I got married the night before my wedding I got into a HUGE fight with my mom because she thought I loved my dad more than her - after all she has done for me yadda yadda yadda!  Divorce is harder on kids when we are adults!!

My parents get along, better now that they are divorced than they did when they were married!  As far as being emotionally needy, I am probably the least needy of me and my brothers.  I can certainly relate to your brother and how he feels being that he has no children.  It just seems that since i moved in with my dad when I was 12, its like i am the "black sheep"  Oh well, what can I do other than just deal with it, which i am used to, but it sucks. 

As for your fight you had with your mom the night before your wedding, that made me laugh, b/c i had a fight with mine the night before.  I had just got to the hotel and had all my luggage and my wifes luggage, and was trying to get into the door of the hotel, instead of mom asking if she could take anything, all she wanted was a hug and a kiss and i told her to wait a minute but she was persistant, so i snapped at her to wait till i got to the desk and put something down!  and there were people in the lobby.  Man did she get mad!  She yelled at me to not ever yell at her like that again, i was like, WHAT?!?!?! 
Anyway, again, i appreciate your input.  thanks again.

Brian

Hey Brian, Look Forward and try to only think about yourself right now, I now the thing with your mom hurts, but life throws you darts you throw back bombs,Tell your mom you are hurt and leave at that, what are going to do ! I have 8 sisters and they were there for me, i lost both my parents, so be your on champion !

Thanks Rhody!  I appreciate it. 

Hey Brian,  one thing I can say for sure is ... families really can suck sometimes.  Well, here's my .2 cents... since you asked :)    I think that maybe your mother is concerned for you and being difficult to get out to you, she feels maybe she can make herself useful by helping your SIL.  Knowing that your father and grandmother will be there for you, she knows you will not be alone.  I think maybe if she had expressed her feelings more completely ( i wish i could be there,  can I send something up there for you, call me as soon as you can after surgery) you would probably feel better about it.  Some people don't think about what their actions may look like to those they love.  I feel that if you reign in on your anger and hurt, and continue keeping her in the loop of whats going on, both of you will feel better about the situation.  Maybe she was a little hurt that this is on her birthday ( although i don't know why since she is 800 miles away).  Hard feelings seem to breed more hard feelings.  I don't want to minimize your feelings, but I don't think you want to go into this life change with feelings or words that could make matters worse and the healing process tougher.  You know she loves you and you did say you were the least needy of the kids.  She may feel secure in that and feels you would be ok with this.  Now don't forget,  although you don't really know us all that well here, we are your next family.  We are here for you and totally understand what you are going thru with this surgery.  All the emotions and anxiety and thoughts and reservations.  No family member ( unless he/she has been there done that) knows these things.  We are the support that really helps at this time.  Keep that in mind and always count on us.   I say go on with your mom like this did not phase you and take the support from us and your relationship with mom will be much better than expressing the hurt and sending  out the guilt to her, it always come back with a bite.   Take care and keep us up to date with the fam.  Good luck!!!   Your friend,  Eldy

Hi Eldy.  Thank you for your response.  I know that the people on here understand what I am feeling and thats why i posted.  My wife also understands me and how i feel and she is my rock.  without her i dont know what i'd do.  She is and has always been here for me as well and is the one who actually turned me onto OH.  As for everyone on here, i appreciate you guys to.  you supply alot of great helpful information and for that i am extremely grateful.  Thank you again for your thoughts and i am moving forward at this point and looking forward to taking my seat on october 6.