Confession...

Well, the vets know me as an exercise fanatic, gym rat, runner, swimmer, weight lifter, etc. Before I had these health issues, I was the go to person for exercise motivation and boy do I love it! I started out slowly. I lifted weights 3 days/week for 30 minutes. That was doable. Then I started to walk for 30 minutes on non-weight lifting days. Well, that was not good enough for me. Walking was too boring, so I did running intervals. Boy, that killed me, but it felt good to be able to run. When I saw the results scale wise, clothing wise, etc, I ran more. I enjoyed it. I would then add more weight lifting and I enjoyed that too. I would lift weights 3 days/week for 2 hours, then do 3-5 miles of running. On non-weight lifting days, I would do interval training for 5-8 miles or work on distance (running 10 miles). I wanted to run my first half-marathon and I was making progress quickly! My weight was not melting off my any means, but I was losing at an acceptable rate (10-13 pounds/month... my dad can lose that much in 2 weeks... so I always compare myself to him). I was eating about 1100 calories/day to lose weight. Now, here comes the confession part... I did lose 145 pounds in the first year post-banding (145 pounds of the 200 to lose). People think that is a lot, that it is great, etc. Don't get me wrong, losing that weight was great. Being active (that active) for the first time in my life was great... but I didn't exactly do it the best way. Most of the time I felt good, but I didn't know the limits of my body. The dietitian told me to eat 1500-1800 calories/day to provide proper nutrition for that level of activity. When I ate that much, I wouldn't lose and I would even gain. Losing weight has been an extremely difficult problem for me my whole life (crappy metabolism and genes... mom was 450 # before cancer dropped some weight off her before her death). So, by upping the calories, it caused a stop in my weight loss and even a gain. That surprised the dietitian, but she said to listen to my body, get enough carbs, protein, and a good multi-vitamin. Well, I did all that. I ate a healthy balanced diet, I drank plenty of water, and got enough vitamins. I am guessing my body didn't like all the activity? I became B12 deficient, protein deficient, and got premature ventricular contractions (PVC). I just have this nagging guilt that being so hard on my body with all that exercise caused the problems I am having now. Maybe it exacerbated the hiatal hernia (which they think I had at the time of my band surgery but was so small they didn't see it). I wonder if it caused my bladder disease (but the urologist said unlikely... but I still have that horrible feeling that I am to blame because when I was running that is when my symptoms started). I wonder if the exercise caused the nutrient deficiencies. B12 in the 200's was really surprising to everyone considering my age and healthy diet (and never missing a dose of a good multi-vitamin). Still more confession... "You might be thinking, well 2 hours/day isn't all that excessive. I lift weights and don't have any problems. I started running and don't have problems. I can run a marathon and don't have problems." Why I feel the guilt is as follows: I exercised too hard. I would lift weights until I got dizzy, nauseated, and even vomited on occasion (just due to the intensity of it). I would run 10 miles but not refuel my body when I got home. I would run all that time, burn off my glycogen stores, and then let my body starve as I went to bed. I started to get the PVC's pretty regularily and so I drank some very dilute Gatorade during the running, but that made me nauseated so I stopped drinking it. I know I pushed my body too far and I just am wrapped up in guilt that I brought about these health problems because I didn't listen to my body. I guess I just had to get this off my chest. I miss exercise tremendously, but I cannot do it right now. I will try water walking, but regular walking hurts my bladder. So... I'll try it in the pool and see if that helps any. I just wanted to post this tonight. Maybe it's because I needed a good study break, or that I have been thinking about my upcoming surgery (getting scared now), or maybe it is due to the guilt that if I just slowed down, maybe I wouldn't need the surgery? I don't know if my guilt it justified or not... I just feel that pushing my body that hard did something wrong. But here's the kicker, without pushing it that hard, I couldn't lose the weight. Without restricting my calories like that (and at 24 y/o with that much activity, I would need more than 1100 calories/day), I wouldn't lose weight. Now and then I would have 1500, but that was a splurge day. I just wish I didn't push my body so hard. I remember one of the last times I lifted weights that hard, I nearly fainted (got tunnel vision and my friend grabbed me and walked me over to the couch at the gym to lie down). I was given water, told to raise my legs up, and the room just kept spinning. I remained there for 30 minutes. Guess what I did after the room stopped spinning? I went back to weight lifting. I just didn't know when to stop. Is that an addiction? I don't know. I think I was just so driven to lose the weight that I did anything to keep it going. Losing weight is like moving mountains for me. They even suggested RNY for me but I knew at 17 y/o (when they suggested it) that I wouldn't do well with it (dumping is a horrible side effect in my mind). I always wondered if I needed the malabsorption component, but I just don't trust it. I got the band and said that I would put in more effort than expected. Don't get me wrong. It wasn't like I was doing something that was torturing me... I enjoyed the exercise, but I didn't know when to stop. I guess you would compare it to someone that has a chocolate binge. They don't know when to stop. I never had that with anything before. I guess the fat kid in me (the one that could never do as much as everyone else) got carried away when I was able to move better? Who knows. I got compliments at the gym like, " That's really impressive" or my doctor saying "You have the blood pressure and heartrate of an athelete" that fuled my perfectionistic/type A personality? I guess I just have guilt and I also miss that exercise... but I also know I can't do that to my body again. There are exercise builimics that spend hours upon hours at the gym. That wasn't me. I would rarely go over 2 hours... but I just exercised too INTENSELY. I never told anyone this before... so I guess I just was thinking about it and wanted to come clean. I hear people say that I am an inspiration and I feel guilty for that too. I don't want someone to push their body like that. If you admire my "drive", that's fine... but not my weight loss numbers. I don't feel too proud of that. Sigh... I guess I am done. Sorry this was so long!

Alyssa I am a firm believer in moderation when it comes to exercise. I read posts about some people's exercise routines on this site and I just cringe! There IS such a thing as too much of a good thing.True, I am a bit lazy, but pre-band, I hurt myself running. I would run 5 days a wk and play soccer 50 min some days as well. I pulled my calf and the injury is permanent, although slight. I can still feel it at times. That's why I decided never to run more than 2x per wk, even at my current wt. I used to lift weights 3x a wk as well, but I finally realized how much I HATED it--BORING! BTW I don't think it helps with wt loss if done more than twice a wk. I am hoping the hernia repair will allow you to have good fills post op to control your hunger and you can put all this behind you!

The thing is about weight lifting, the more "bulk" you have, the more calories you burn. Since my diet has to be pretty restricted in order to lose any weight, lifting weights should have given me some more muscle mass to take off more weight. I don't think it did though. I'm sorry that you got a running injury. I just keep wondering if my exercise did something to make my health problems appear. I mean, I did great at first, but then things started to fall apart. I actually thought the pain I got was from running at first. Turns out it was my bladder not my hip. Oh well. I guess I wil lnever know. I didn't think that doing 2 hours tops each day was too much exercise, but reflecting on it... I see that the intensity was too much.

Alyssa, I completely know where you are coming from. The last time I lost all my weight, I became an exercise junky. I started at 5am, intense exercise before work, and then walk/run 5-10 miles at night. Very intense, which led to bulimia and anorexia. I loved the fast weight loss and I go full-bore into everything. Part of the band journey for me has been to learn balance. We CAN do this!

I knew that others could relate! The hard part is that I ENJOY being active! I guess what I need to learn is to lower the intensity level. I mean for right now, I can't do anything... so I guess working up slowly will help me avoid overdoing it as I start to exercise. When I was exercising like that, I just thought to myself, "toughen up" or "run through the pain"... and now... for months, I have been wondering if what I did hurt my body enough that I have these issues. Nobody can say that I do... so I just wonder and worry that I did something to hurt myself without thinking that I was hurting myself. I know balance is key and I am just afraid that without that much exercise, I won't lose any weight. I guess we'll see how I do after my HH repair...

Alyssa, How brave you are to put this all in writing. Often times we know that something isn't quite right, but we don't really admit to ourselves until we admit it others. I hope you get better soon and are able to start moving again. Remember progress not perfection! {{{{Alyssa}}}}

Thanks! This has been something that has bothered me for many, many months and I guess I just had to get it off my chest so I can move forward. Thanks for listening!

Honey, I don't think you have anything to confess, or feel guilty about! I'm sure exercise, can become compulsive, just like food, or anything else! The thing to do now, is put it out of your mind, and think positive, as you are so close to your surgery, and it is going to be GOOD!~Put all of that behind you, and start fresh! We love you no matter what, so YOU start feeling better about YOU, hon!~

I guess it is just cathartic to get it off my chest. It's good to admit to those guilty feelings (even if they are not justified as some pointed out!). I know that starting fresh is a good thing and I had a long talk with Sally today and it was great to talk with her about all this. She suspected that my weight loss, exercise habits, and whatnot were not that healthy and until I "admitted" everything, she wasn't going to say it to me. We talked about how my body did not respond well to the weight loss (10 pounds/month on average) and the intensity of exercise. Everyone is different. We talked about diets, metabolism problems, etc. I was diagnosed years ago with prediabetes and we talked about glucose control and whatnot. So, it was nice to just talk about all this, get it off my chest, and know what I cannot do to my body. So... thanks for listening and offering support!

What a brave post - and what a level of self-awareness that most of us don't have! It does sound as if exercise became a compulsion but don't start feeling guilty! We serial dieters have a lifetime of guilt and inferiority behind us because of our weight. You have done brilliantly with the weight loss - don't let guilt take over again! You are one of the band-stars! Understanding yourself will help you keep in with your so-wonderful loss! Kate