Monday role call

Good Monday morning everyone... I'm enjoying a long weekend.  We are only allowed to carry over 5 days of PTO from year to year and I had quite a bit more left.  So, I have taken off random days over the past month or two and took off Friday, today and tomorrow to use up the last of them.  I still have 5 days, but ran out of time in the year to take them.   I actually have off from the store, as well.  Much needed time off.  Today I am going to continue doing some cleaning around my bedroom.  It is the room that always gets ignored.  I've been working on it little by little over the weekend and will continue today and tomorrow.  

Yesterday, I was called to help prepare a woman from the synagogue for burial.  It's always different when it's someone I know/knew.  This woman was 89 years old and was the wife of one of the founders of Just Born (the company that makes Peeps).  Her family was and is very active and prominent in our congregation.  I have fond memories of her and her sly little grin as I walked by her during services to go to the bathroom.  She would pat me on the arm or behind with a bit of strength and humor.  Good memories... I will not be attending her funeral, though, because an old friend of mine from school also lost her father in the past week and his funeral is at the same time.  I will be going there to offer support to her and her mom.  It's been a tough few months with so much loss and dealing with my lack of my own family during the holiday season.  

Anyway, my maintenance program has been a mess.  I am still struggling daily with trying to maintain my weight loss.  I am approaching my 4 year surgiversary and feel like I haven't been sticking with any plan.  My request for a revision was denied and I am having a hard time recommitting to the program.  I know what I need to do, but my addiction for food has completely taken over my life.  I feel very lonely and am not sure how to get back on track.  I need to focus on minute by minute because even day by day, hour by hour is not working.  

I hope that the rest of you are faring better than I and that you all have a good day and week and holiday season.  I miss you all.  

Lisa,

     What a grace to be part of someone's burial rite.  I know that you are a very spiritual woman and have a great deal of compassion for the people that touch your life.  It is often said in 12 step programs that we have a family of origin and a family of choice.  I know that your family of origin is fairly small but I can see that you have an abundance of family of choice.  Your generosity in reaching out to others really takes my breath away.  So I know that your eating has been not where you want it.  Reconnect with what works for you and the people who support you.  Holidays are stressful but I know that you are grateful for many things this year - especially Siehara's progress.  I have tried hard to count my blessings this year and more so in light of the terrible tragedy that happened in Connecticut.  It doesn't mean that every day is great but I know that my good days far outweigh my bad ones.  Best wishes for a healthy end of the year.  It's good to see you on the boards again.  I have missed you.  Take care.

Donna

Thanks Donna, I often wonder about my family of choice, too, though.  I feel like I am always the one reaching out.  When I disappear from places, forums, websites, etc., it seems as if nobody misses me.  Nobody picks up the phone to see if I'm ok.  I'm always the one.  I am really struggling right now and need to find help.  I have thought about looking for an OA group that is local.  But, I'm not sure if that is the right direction for me.  I guess I won't know unless I try, right?

Lisa,

     I can relate to what you are saying.  For so many years I felt the same exact way.  I don't know if it is age or just plain lack of energy but I don't get bent out of shape anymore.  I used to beat myself up if I wasn't in touch with everyone.  Now when I get to it - I do.  I figure that they can pick up the phone or drop me an e-mail if they are interested.  I try not to tie my self worth up in it because I only have control over my own thoughts and actions.  Don't know if any of that makes sense or not.  Just know that when I don't see you on the OH board I do miss you - even though I don't get around to saying it.  Hang in there.

Donna 

Lisa, 

I can totally relate to your feelings of loneliness, commitment to program, daily struggles and feelings about not having family during holiday times.

The month of December has always been difficult for me.  I think it is a combination of early darkness, holidays, all the hoopla about Christmas and feeling left out. 

It is good that you posted this here.  I do not reach out so easily when I struggle,  I think I can fix everything myself.  I keep thinking that this should not be so hard at this point in time.

The last few days I've been writing down my frustrations.  Please stay in touch and share whatever it is that you feel. 

Lisa,

As has been said by others, your value and your commitment to others is one of the shining qualities you possess. . . and it has been said by people I know that if we could learn to harness that energy that we spend on others and spend a bit of it on ourselves, the results would be astounding.  However, once ingrained to be the way you are, it is a hard thing to change.  All I can tell you, is what I do myself and that is I wake up each day resolved that today will be the most successful day I can hope for, some days it is and others I have to restart my day many times over and then there are those days I give up trying in the hopes that tomorrow will be better. 

As for the loneliness and feelings you speak of, I know all too well those feelings of not "feeling" included or thought of and I've learned to talk my way through them, realizing that just as I can get real busy, often thinking of people to contact, but either it being the wrong time of day or getting sidetracked by the things I have to do right in front of me, I realize another day, week, perhaps month has gone by and I haven't done my part.  I've had to realize that others have the same sort of lives. 

Girlfriend, you are MOM, work two jobs and doing it all on your own, so yeah, maybe sometimes you find yourself reaching out when you'd prefer it were the other way around, whatever way it takes to keep your friends close, don't let your feelings dictate how it should be, instead look inside and find if the relationships in your life are ones in which you find connection and joy when you are with those people.  I, for one, am always happy to see you and love hearing, reading about your life, the ups and downs you handle with such dignity and love.  This time of year is one where people tend to feel lonely more than other times of the year, the weather, the shorter days, the holidays, headlines such as are in the news right now, make me wonder what the hell the world has come to, but I want to say to you, you are a wonderful human being and anyone who is lucky enough to call you a friend, is blessed.

So do what you can to make yourself feel happy, but try to remember that when we use food for that source of pleasure, it is a double edged sword and has a way of making us feel bad in the end.

Hugs, Laureen