I think I'm going to lose it.

 I am so f'in stressed out, it's scary..  The past few days with Siehara have been pure hell.   It started on Mother's Day... The day started out great!  Neil and I had gone out the night before and as I slept in, he went out and bought me flowers and a card.  The day for all of us was quite nice.. very relaxing, he made dinner.. etc.. 

Later on at night, things weren't going the way she wanted them to.. she started screaming at the top of her lungs..... all kinds of yelling, cursing, throwing things.. arguing back and forth, etc.. out of control behavior (on her part and yes, on mine) I shut down and went outside and smoked a cigarette while she was screaming in her room.  

Monday morning.. didn't want to get out of bed.. Neil came to help.. more screaming, arguing, cursing, etc.. she threw her water bottle at me --open-- in the bathroom--when I was trying to get her to take her pills.  She also spit at Neil and got physical with me. 

Last night.. scheduled to work at the store.. I was so upset from the events of the past few days, I couldn't function.  The woman who had worked ALL day saw how upset I was and told me that she would stay for the rest of the night and I could leave.  I did not come right home.. I went and sat in a parking lot just decompressing for awhile and then went to Wegman's for chinese food and a frappe.. came home around 8.. shut down

This morning, more of the same.. did not want to get out of bed.. more of the same. 

I made a call last night to Kids Peace because we have an appt with her therapist tonight.  I want to get in with the therapist AND the psychiatrist at the same time.  If we have to go back at 9 after they are done seeing all the other patients, I will do that.  I need to do something.  The mood stabilizer is NOT working.. she's worse than ever.. I've been reading some things and am convinced that along with the bipolar, she has Intermittent Explosive Disorder.  Something's got to give.  

I am at wit's end and have been out of control just as much as she has.  This is not going to help the matter AT ALL.  If I am out of control, there is no way I can get her under control.  I hate being here with her because I never know what is going to happen next.  

There are many more details than just what I have written, but I just don't have the energy to write it all.   I feel like such a terrible mom because I can't keep myself in control and can't stand what it is doing to our relationship.  

 Hi Lisa,
I wish I could reach out through the computer and give you a big hug.  While my teens did not have serious mental health issues, when my youngest was 19, he had a bad heroin addiction.  He was in and out of treatment several times, and even got arrested and spent a night in Bucks County Prison.  

I just want to suggest that you seek some individual therapy for yourself.  Coping with a child with mental health issues is extremely challenging, as you already know.  I was already in therapy when my son went through his addiction crap.  It helped to have my own outlet.

Hang in there.

Hugs,
Trish

Lisa,

YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOTHER!!!  You are a loving, caring Mom who is doing everying she can to deal with a very sad situation.  I can't even say I understand the stuff you are going through, but I can offer my hand in support of YOU!!!  YOU ARE A VERY GOOD MOTHER!!!  Doing all you can to help your daughter through her crisis, but you are very human and reaching out for help from the right places will help you get to where you need to be. 

Sending you lots of loving thoughts, Laureen

 Lisa, 

I am here for you and I am tearing up reading this email. I wish we lived closer so I could just come over whenever! My heart breaks for you and Siehara. We are our own worst critics when it comes to ourselves whether it is parenting, weight loss, etc! 

Take a deep breath, take a step back and realize you are doing the BEST you can do! Remember, kids don't come with an instructional manual?!?!?

I love you and hope things get better!

((HUGS))

Beth

Lisa, you are not a bad mother at all, you  seem to be trying everything to help her. I dont know how you do it, cause truthfully I wouldnt be able to handle it at all. I know I would have lost control if my daughter threw an open water bottle at me or even tried to hit me, truthflly I would be in jai.
YOU ARE  WONDERFUL  MOTHER/PERSON for staying in control
Good Luck to you
Susan

Lisa

My heart breaks for you.  I have seen first hand how devistating Bi-Polar can be.  But you need to also take care of yourself.  Someone suggested individual counseling for you and that might be what you need.  Don't think of yourself as a bad mother.  You are not.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.


Jeanne

Lisa you are not a bad mother you do the best you can with what you have. You just have to keep getting more and more tools and so does she. It is not ok for her to be physical and act out she is out of control and needs help and that is what you are getting her. Hold on and cry it is ok. we love you.

Sending you a big HUG

Being a mom is one of the challenging jobs there is, being a single mom even more challenging. 

Have you considered working with a systemic family therapist, one that will work with the two of you as well as separately in addition to her continuing with her therapist and psychiatrist? 

Prayers, love, and hugs to you all....

Ida

 Thanks everyone...

Ida, I am going to look into that and see if there is someone around here who can help. 

Thanks for the advice. 

Lisa, You're welcome.  If you need anything please do not hesitate to reach out.