A new (or rather old) approach to staying on track

After another weekend of ridiculous eating, I had to sit myself down this morning and give myself a good talking to.  I'm frustrated.  I remember what it was like to eat after surgery.  I ate EXACTLY what I was told to.  I did not eat those things that I was instructed not to eat.  I struggled with getting in my water, but I made every effort to do it anyway.  I never enjoyed exercise, but I forced myself to go for a walk every day.  In other words, I followed my surgeon's instructions to the letter.  I was terrified that my tool wouldn't work, or I would break it, or I would get sick, or something would get stuck.  During those early months, I relied on my Higher Power every single time I wanted to eat something that was not on my plan.

And somewhere along the line, I decided to do this on my own.  I ignored pouch and other "rules" (eating and drinking at the same time; no more than 2 grams of added sugar; no more than 10 fat grams per meal; 64 oz of water a day; exercise daily).  The result is that now I seriously struggle with food, eating, water consumption and exercise.  I've really lost my way.

I started to get it back when I came back to support groups and posting here, but find that so many of my bad habits are ingrained and I find it very difficult to stay the course.  I play games with myself.  If the scale has a "good" number, I allow myself to eat more.  Then when the scale shows a "bad" number, I'm scrambling to pull myself together.  I think about restricting food.  I think about tackling one thing at a time, but then again realize that right after surgery, I really was getting it all right.  Back to feeling frustrated.

So, just for today, I am going to follow the rules, eat on plan, drink water and take a walk.  Any time my disease brain tries to talk me out of doing something I should do, or into doing something I should not do, I am committing to using one or more of my tools:  prayer, journal, phone call -- the way I did when I started this journey.

Thanks for letting me put it out here.

Good for you. right there with you

 I was right there with you with you on picking up the bad habits for several years, which resulted in a 45 pound regain.  Now that I went through the two months of recuperation with my leg this past Winter, I somehow got control, and no longer binge, or overdo it with any particular food.  I still have a small dose of candy each day, not like I used to, just a daily fix.  And, as a result of that, and picking up my activity level, I have managed to lose 30 pounds of that regain.  I never reached goal, but I am heading there, finally.

Hope this makes sense.

Hugs,
Trish

Jill

Thanks for posting this.  I needed to see this in writing.  LIke you I am frustrated.    I am struggling with the worse bout of depression that I have ever had but I am making positive steps to get that resolved.  Hopefully all the other things will fall in place.


I think that I will also make a pledge to myself that for one day I will also journal, pray, measure, be aware.  Follow what the surgeon said.  Have respect for my pouch.


Jeanne