Dealing with Emotionally Disturbed Adult Children

I am struggling with dealing with my daughter.  I know there are some people here who have children with mental and/or emotional and/or learning difficulties.  My daughter, who is now 20, was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder.  I have disagreed with that diagnosis, but no professional will listen to me.  I believe she has OCD and severe social anxiety.  But what do I know?  I'm just her mom.

All through school, we had issues.  I ended up homeschooling her and sending her to cyber school after public school, special education classes, partial programs, in-patient hospitalizations and charter schools. 

Now, as an adult, I feel like I am re-living the nightmare.  She got a job, but every time she starts to work, she falls apart.  She has had two hospitalizations for depression since starting what I consider a simple, part-time, job in retail.  She works for a few days, then breaks down.  She has stomach issues.  She's had several medical tests, and it is clear her symptoms are stress and anxiety-related.  She vomits before going to work, and sometimes AT work.  She has to be sent home.  She calls out often.  Her psychiatrist gave her a note so that she only has to work 4 hours a day, but she can't pull that off.  She called out two days this week; went in yesterday and vomitted at the register, so they sent her home.  Then, of course, she called out again today.

I am frustrated.  I want to be sympathetic, but I'm just irritated.  It is so reminiscent of when I would try to get her to go to school, and she'd refuse to get up, or she'd throw up, or I'd get called away from my job to come get her because she was sick or crying. 

She sees a therapist and a psychiatrist.  She's on 5 different psych meds.  She's still cutting, she can't seem to work, and she is still having bouts of serious depression. 

I'm still trying to figure out what's my problem and what's hers.  How much am I responsible for, if anything?  I don't know how to help her other than taking her to the therapist and psychiatrist., but they don't seem to be helping her either.  I've made an appointment for myself with my old therapist to run things by her.  I'm just venting here because I know some of you really get this and I could use a little extra support, and maybe a hug.

I'm not eating over it, and that's a miracle, so I am grateful for that. 

Jill, good for you for not resorting to food to solve the challenges with your daughter.

I am just going to toss in a few thoughts here, based on my experience with special needs students at the high school level....

Would she qualify for any help from OVR (Office of Voc Rehab)?
Would she be able to do work that is in a more secluded or quiet setting than retail (back office type work)?
Has she ever had a voc assessment to identify her strengths and interests (psych issues aside)?
If you - or someone - asked her what type of work she might like to do, what would she say?
Does she seem upset by her inability to work? (And you don't have to answer that, or any of these, here, of course) When she is sent home or unable to cope, does it upset her at all? Or is home her escape/safety zone?
Does she have friends who hold jobs? Or friends at all?
I know the docs don't share info with you, but could you voice your concern about her inability to move toward independent living?
Can they point you toward any community resources to help her transition to more independence?

Whatever the dx is - and I have my personal opinions on the current buzzword being "bipolar" - my honest opinion is that the dx isnt the issue. Her functional levels are the issue. From what you describe, she is probably unable to envision her life 5 years in the future, or to set meaningful goals. But as a mom, I would be very concerned about where she might end up by age 25 or 30 - or at whatever point you are not able to provide her housing and basic needs.

Sending many hugs and much encouragement. The road a mom travels is a hard one.

Jill,

I have no words, but am sending prayers and postive thoughts that some resolution comes about, for her and for you. . .  being a mother is truly forever, but you have nothing to feel bad about, you've been proactively trying to help your daughter and I read Lynn's response and hopefully there is stuff in there that you have not already tried and can help you find what is needed.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Jill}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Good for you not eating your feelings but using your tools. . .

Laureen

 Jill, 

I have no words of wisdom, but I have loads of support and ((HUGS)) to send your way...

Keep strong and you are not alone!!

Love, Beth

First let me say I am sorry. Some of the symptoms she has and how it affects her ability to be " in the world ' sounds too familiar to me. But i wonder if she is in therapy and with a Dr and is not getting better if it is not time for someone new??? 

I agree with the OVR assesment they may be able to help.

 Jill, I feel for you.  The things you are describing in your daughter are exactly my fears for my daughter as she gets older.  She is has been spiraling downward and very quickly.  

I don't have words for you, since I am still trying to figure out our situation.  But, I hope you get answers and your daughter finds peace and stability. 

Hi Jill,
I wish I could give you a human hug right now.  I totally understand your frustrations, and self-blaming.  But know, that if the diagnosis is accurate, and if she truly is bipolar, that is not your fault.  It has to do with brain chemistry.  Same for any anxiety, or OCD.  They are organic, not just in her mind, so to speak.

Maybe we could get together someday for coffee at the diner where we first met.  I have been there with my sponsor on more than one occassion.  We love it.

Lynn's questions for you to think about, and the OVR assessment sound like great ideas.  My nephew has learning disabilities, has schizoaffective disorder and OCD, is on SSD, and has a job coach.  He works part time at the Walmart in Trevose, with the help of his job coach.  Even he, with his limited hours, had to take a few months off because of his psychiatric symptoms.

In the meantime, let me know if you want to get together.  Or, we could meet at the Keys for a meeting, and then go to the diner.  I am pretty free this weekend.

Hugs,
Trish