Still Addicted. Still Obsessed. Still Fearful.

It is, as they say, true that after weight loss we do get on with life - a new life - as a thin person.

But some learnings can never leave us, or we will be headed for real trouble. For me, those learnings are:

I am a food addict. I can still eat more than I should. I can eat to the point of discomfort. I will eat to the point of discomfort if certain trigger foods are around Peanut butter and it's close cousin almond butter, even though these have some redeeming nutritional value. Sugar free ice cream, even though the sugar alcohols can send me into digestive system flip flops. I simply can't have these in the house. I discovered a local ice cream shop with SF offerings, albeit way overpriced. If I want the ice cream, I can drive downtown and get a scoop, pay the price, and be done with it. Fortunately this place is not really convenient or on my daily driving route! 

I am obsessed with food. When I work a long day (10 hrs. or more away from home) I pack 2 lunches and assorted waters and beverages for the day. My cute Rachel Ray lunchbag will barely hold it all by the time I am done. I do have a fear of being out of food when I need something, so I do in fact often take something home. But the thought of being caught without acceptable food provokes anxiety in me. I also found myself doing this when in PA, and I had to be on the road for 3 or 4 days a week. The schools I visited provided food of course. But I always had a cooler bag in the trunk of the car...just in case. Maybe you can call it being prepared, but I know that it was prompted in part by my obsession.

Hunger is, to me, an emergency. I know what the Beck Diet Solution teaches...that in fact hunger is NOT an emergency. It is a feeling that human beings feel daily, and take as a signal to eat. Not me. I hate the feeling of hunger. I have to eat almost immediately when it strikes. I like my eating schedule to be on a 3 hr. interval - it keeps me from feeling those hunger pangs. Even twinges. Hunger sends me into a tizzy.

I fear sugar. For a long time, I had zero tolerance for it. Now it doesn't bother me in small amounts....and I see sugar as a trap lying in wait for me. Who set the trap? The pounds I lost. They too are waiting, patiently and quietly, to attack me. They would be back in an instant. 15 of them already are.

 

 I hear ya Lynn... I am definitely the same way.  I am a MAJOR food addict and will also go into a panic if I don't have the proper foods around.  Even if I do, I am finding that I am going back to mindless eating and snacking on things that I shouldn't have around.  

Yesterday, when I was with my trainer, she asked what I ate.  When I told her I had eaten a whole bagel with peanut butter (1/2 for breakfast, 1/2 for afternoon snack), she asked why I bought it.  I had no answer, other than it looked good in the store and that I had only bought 2 bagels.. one for me and one for Siehara.  I was making an excuse, as always.  

I also fear that I am going to go into a hypoglycemic reaction if I don't eat constantly.  If I would eat the "right" foods 5-6 times per day, this wouldn't an issue.  But, I am not doing that.  I feel like I am hungry all the time.   I know a lot of it is my food choices, but I also am not getting in all my fluids to keep me full in between meals.  I am working on that, too.  

I am hoping that working with the trainer and knowing I have to be accountable to her, as well as myself, I will be able to get my food in check.  She is kicking my butt with the exercise so why should I throw it away with what I am eating??

Lynn,

I relate to being a food addict and the way you talked about eating til discomfort, I can admit to doing so, more lately (last 2 months) than ever, which is one of the reasons when we had our support group on Monday I found myself listening to the surgeon and what she had to say about stretching our stoma/pouch and how that affects us long term.  I know that I have not done any real damage yet, but if I continue to do what I was, I will and then all I went through would be for naught.  It is also another reason that I think we need to get back to support via the various posts that relate to our daily routines, because and maybe I'm wrong, but when I have to get up in front of all of you and share my food plan, be accountable by coming back and logging changes, it makes me think more about what I am going to be eating.  If I am seeing others exercise, it motivates me to do it too.  I get that it is all about my choices and so on, however, I guess I need to know I am not alone within the daily aspects of this journey, even though I know I'm not, I need to see what others are doing to keep me on track.

I can also admit that I, too, may be obsessed with food, reading the weekly circulars, planning the cooking of meals, buying things because they are on sale, right now in the door of my refrigerator, I think I have 5 things of l/f cheese, can I tell you that often I wind up throwing stuff out because I don't use it by it's expiration point, but it's got to be there, just in case, I was not like this before I had WLS.  I planned somewhat, but part of it is the fact that I truly enjoy cooking, the challenge of taking a formerly loved meal and creating one similar, but WLS friendly is something I do with ease and love sharing the food with others, mostly my roommates, but, while I don't taste while cooking and after I cook, the funny thing is I generally eat little of it, I find the hardest thing is passing up things in the office, so I have done some things recently that are helping me there.  It's a fine line for me, between obsession and preparedness and so I understand your thoughts here, as well as your last paragraph.  I don't keep unhealthy foods in my house, but as we well know, calories are calories and the body only needs so many, so while I have restriction of how much at one sitting, the problem can be grazing good foods. . .  We are works in progress, the admission of and acceptance of the problem can bring us to the solution and I am truly working in the solution right now.

Thanks for sharing of yourself.  The first line in book The Road Less Traveled is. . .  Life is Difficult and so it is, but we can make it more so and perhaps together we can make it less so. . .

Have a great day!

Please know that you are not alone.  I just came home from an Overeater's Anonymous meeting -- a place I belong just as much as I belong at Barix support.  I have to develop a new way of thinking and of relating to food.  I believe in the 12-step programs, as they have helped me immensely over the years in various areas.  You may want to consider finding a meeting in your area.  You will find a room full of people who understand the disease of compulsive overeating and food addiction.

Coming back to Barix support is also key for me.  I cannot express SUPPORT enough, because struggling alone leads to isolation, shame, self-loathing and self-destruction. 

I have to admit I am struggling again myself.  But being honest and sharing what is going on will hopefully help me find a solution, or combination of solutions to get back on track physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Your post rings a lot of bells with me.  I no longer eat sugar because I KNOW it is a drug for me.  It soothes, comforts and numbs me.  It is addictive for me, and once I start eating it, I do not know when I will stop.  I don't drink alcohol for the same reason.  I need to put down the damn corn chips and never pick them up again, but I'm having trouble with that.  I cannot "control" certain substances, so I must learn to live without them.  I can do that with the help of my Higher Power and the fellowship of other sufferers.

Also, I can relate to that idea of hunger being an emergency.  I don't really get hunger since the surgery, but I can still THINK I'm hungry, and sometimes I've had to actually say to myself, "Jill, I promise you will not starve before your next meal."  And I never have.

Again, you are not alone in what you are thinking, feeling or doing.  Together we can find solutions.