Your opinion please...

Hi everyone,

Sometime over the summer, I started seeing a therapist who specializes in eating disorders. 

I was and still am very concerned about regain, and I want to understand my motivations for snacking and eating the wrong things.

Yesterday in my latest session with her, I left feeling like such a loser.  In trying to get to the bottom of what is causing me anxiety lately, I told her about something I had spent a lot of money on even though I knew we shouldn't really be spending the money.  Well, her reaction was very obvious - she showed shock and extreme disapproval of what I had done.  I left there feeling such shame.  I had experienced this to a lesser degree several months ago when discussing my teenage son and how I handled him.

Why does her disapproval rock my world so much?  It doesn't seem professional to me that she is judging me.  I feel like this is becoming a very unhealthy relationship, since I will hesitate telling her things she may disapprove of.

My gut (and my husband) are telling me to end this relationship now.

What do you think?

THANKS
Deb

Deb,

Listen to your gut and your husband. . . a good therapist is worth every dime and every moment, however, their job is to help us work through and find the answers within ourselves. What I have learned in my own life is that when I have listened to that still small voice inside, that gut feeling, it was right on and most of the mistakes I've benefitted from, but would have preferred not to experience, were the ones where the voice spoke and I did not listen. . . today I listen more...

Hugs, Laureen

I agree with Laureen on this.  Therapist are in abundance, finding just the right one is very difficult in some cases. 

I am in the process of looking for a new one.  I spent over a year going to one and must say that I have made no progress, the fit was just not right.

We are human and we make mistakes.  We feel bad and some of us can't get over some of our mistakes.  To then add on feeling that someone is validating those feelings just is wrong. 

Good luck to you and remember that you are a wonderful person.


Jeanne

Deb, I'm certainly no expert when it comes to therapy and therapists, but I would say if you can't speak opening and honestly to your therapist without fear of being judged and shamed then who can you talk to? A therapist is the one person who should NOT make you feel these things - she is the one person who is supposed to help you through those difficult feelings and times - help you understand why you would feel ashamed.

I agree with the others - find a new therapist and end this relationship immediately - you go to counseling to help you feel better about yourself, not worse! God knows we're hard enough on ourselves - we don't need some professional (who isn't acting very professional at all if you ask me) to pass judgement and make us feel bad.

Hugs - Kathy

Thank you all for your input, since this was my very first experience with therapy I wasn't sure if these bad feelings were part of "the work".  I am going to listen to my gut and send her a letter ending the relationship.

I may be way off base here, but here's looking at it from a different angle.  People do not make us feel shamed or judged.  We do that to ourselves.  It is oftentimes our reaction to a perceived judgment.  Again, I wasn't there, so I can't say if what she said or did, or how she looked, really did portray disapproval, or if your own feelings of guilt and shame were projected onto your therapist.  So just another option, besides sending a letter ending the relationship, could be to go back and talk through your feelings of how you felt she reacted.  Telling her how you feel, just the way you shared with us here, might make the relationship go deeper and allow you to build on it.

Jill, thank you for your response.  I thought that at first too, and I called her within an hour of leaving her office.  I told her how I felt and she apologized profusely.  She said she was wrong to react that way, and said she was surprised in my lack of good judgement (in spending the money) after being such a smart business woman.  I just find this unprofessional.  I know that needing her approval is a problem on my part, I have to look at that, but I just don't see how I can open up to her comfortably again.

I think it is completely awesome that you were able to make that call right away.  Now THAT shows amazingly good judgment and strength.  I think you can definitely trust your feelings on this one then, and I think, most importantly, if you cannot open up to her, then you seriously need to move on.  I know that in dealing with my own addiction issues, honesty is a key factor, and when I find myself unable to share something with one of my sponsors, I have to find someone else I can tell the truth to, be it a support person, a therapist, a pastor, or a stranger on the street!

Deb have you thought about telling her how you felt?? Those types of conversations need to happen in life with family, therapists co workers etc. I think once you approach it with her, and see how she responeds you will get your answer and feel confident in what you need to do. We are human too and we miss read people, or think we are giving them what they need ie: tough love.

I dont always love my therapist, and in fact this year I feel she mis handled me and my husband in a co session she did. But I do know in my gut that he approach works for ME ( maybe not Jason) and i feel a tremendous amount of trust in her. If you do not feel this way about your therapist and cannot say she has helped more than hurt then, approach her about it and then move on.

First off, I am very proud of you for telling her how you felt. That is really hard to do especially when you really care about a person's opinion. Secondly, I have been to several therapists over the years. A few bad ones and then my CHAMPION ( literally...her name is Kim Champion) for the past 10 years...on and off. She helped me to heal from all of my past abuse issues and I couldn't have made all the progress I have made without her. Here is the thing. It is completely inapropriate for a therapist to act in or say  anything that seems like she is disapproving of anything. She is being PAID to be objective and to give you what you need to heal. If my therapist would have ever acted disapproving when I told her some of the things I have done I would never had made any progress.I have feeling bad my whole life.  Your therapist is supposed to be on YOUR side. Find someone who is able to help you meet your goals and help you heal in a loving way. Therapy is painful itself because of dealing with things. Your therapist shouldn't be making it worse. In fact, even though it is tough at first, you should feel like you can trust and depend on your therapist to keep your sessions safe. I feel like she really crossed a line. You shouldn't have to set ground rules with your therapist but if you feel like you need to stay with her maybe you should. I however, would find someone who is a better fit. Hope this helped and good luck!