I KNOW I'm crazy, but I'm putting it out there anyway.

Emotional hangovers and gratitude.  Seems strange to post about these two things together, but that's where I am today.

Last week I had these emotional highs and lows, real ups and downs. On Wednesday, I found out that a dear friend, my age, 51, had his first baby. I felt extremely jealous, because I would love to have a baby with Bill, and that is most likely not going to happen. That same afternoon, I was in the lunchroom where pictures were being shown of a co-worker's Jamaican wedding from the week prior. She is also 51. Again, I experienced jealousy because I want Bill to ask me to marry him, and I am not sure that is every going to happen. He is 61, and has never been married. And juxtaposed with these two blessed events is the death of my high school friend, also age 51.

And I experienced jealousy, then sadness, then intense gratitude that I have what I have. No, I am not married and do not have a baby with Bill, but I am alive and well, sober and in love in a way I had never even hoped for or imagined.

I compulsively ate over my feelings one day. And I talked through some of the jealousy and my pathological desire to be married. I allowed myself to FEEL everything even when I thought I shouldn't even have such feelings. I gave my feelings expression to someone safe, and when they tried to cut me off and point out what I DO have, I asked them to just listen and let me feel these things so I can finally be rid of them.

And the next day I ate less compulsively. And today I am eating on plan and feel intense gratitude that 1) my program works enough that I did not get stuck in the food for an extended period of time; and 2) drinking wasn't even a far-fetched option.

Thank you for letting me share.
 
Oh, wait, there is a question here for discussion.  Do you or have you talked to your s/o about marriage?  Honestly, I'm obsessive about this.  I absolutely REFUSE to talk to Bill about it because it's important to me that it comes from him.  I proposed to my ex-husband and regretted it, not just because the marriage sucked, but also because I never got that fairy-tale, movie-type proposal I have wanted since I was a little girl.  Also, in my youth, if I wanted to get married and the guy I was dating didn't want to, our relationship ended.  This is not a deal breaker for me, because I want to spend the rest of my life with Bill whether or not he marries me.  I do have religious convictions regarding marriage and will be sad if I end up never married, but I am also trying to put that in God's hands.  Really, thanks for letting me get this out. 

Jill,

Great post about feelings and eating and asking for what we need. . .

As for your question. . .

I have a long story, but to shorten it, besides which I don't want to put the whole thing out there for all the world, marriage is something, while on a certain level would be nice, I have gotten to a place with my guy, where we talk about the future, but more importantly he is present for me here and now in a way that I NEVER experienced before. 

I have spoken about this relationship stuff with my AA sponsor, who has known me since before I met Tony and has helped me reach a place of understanding within myself and what I've come to accept is that the destination is not where I care to focus, but on the journey of what I am experiencing that is unlike any experience I've had before. 

One of the things Tony has told me from the early days of our relationship is that he wants to hear what I am feeling and thinking and he has shown me in so many ways that he is in this for the long haul and so I can honestly say, that the legality of it does not matter to me, what's more important is that in all the low moments over the past 4 years, he has continued to be supportive and loving.

What rings true to me within this, is:   To Thine Own Self Be True

Gene and I talked quite a bit about marriage while we were dating.  Neither of us were sure at the beginning if we wanted to get married a second time.  As our relationship developed we started to speak more and more about marriage and the proposal.  We talked about what kind of ring I might want, what type of proposal I might like, what type of wedding we'd plan if we decided to get married.

The proposal came at Gene's family reunion the very first time I met his entire family, we had been dating for almost 2 years.  We got married on the exact date of our first date, only two years later, and we planned the wedding from the church service, because our wedding was on a Sunday so we had the ceremony right after Sunday morning worship.  We chose the ministers who would preform the ceremony, chose all the music for the church service and wedding ceremony.....It ended up being my fairy tale proposal and wedding day....

Good luck in whatever you and Bill decide.....

Ida

Jill,

There is nothing wrong with having the fairytale, but in reality it rarely happens! Look at Kim Kardashian, rich, beautiful, successful who had a "fairytale" wedding and it ended less than six months later!!

It is good that you have this forum to express your feelings along with your friend who listened to you. I have been married to my hubby for 14 years and while we are happy, it is NO walk in the park!! Did we have a nice wedding? Yes, I think so....it went by so quickly that I  barely remember!?!? There again, it has not been a fairytale, anything but that is life. Society puts such images in our minds that it clouds the really important things. Do I regret getting married? Nope. Is marriage everything I thought it would be, NOPE! It is kind of like when you have a child, you think it will be all smiles and warm feelings. Then you get the baby home and you are up with it all night, changing diapers, feedings, sharing puke and poop and everything else. Another fairytale.... I don't mean to sound down on all of this, really I am not!

My feeling on your situation is that if you are happy, go with it! Do you really think that getting married to Bill will make things better? I say, if it ain't broke don't fix it!! Especially if he has not given you any signs of a proposal in the wings. I understand that you want it to come from him! I would want that too!!

This is the time of year to be thankful for all that you have and I know you are!!

I hope I gave you some support and things to think upon....

Love, Beth