The real reasons I have been MIA
Hi all – I felt that it was time I pushed myself to come back to some of the places that I need to be. I have had a challenging summer and wanted to let you all know the REAL reason that I have been MIA.
Most of you know that for much of the school year my moods were way up and down. It started to get really bad about 5 months ago. I think I probably mentioned on here that I felt I was having some issues with either ADD stuff or mild depression stuff. Well, the depression stuff is VERY real. And it got to be much more that just mild. Let me back up to the end of the school year. My principal reprimanded me twice this year after having an exemplary record for the prior ten years. He called me to the carpet for my lesson plans and my attendance. I also had issues at the Synagogue with paper work and for my sanity and for the sake of the kids, I decided to stop teaching the lower grades so I didn’t have to deal with that anymore. I had thought I was making the right steps for me so I thought nothing further than it was a lot of years teaching the lower grades, I was exhausted and I really didn’t enjoy teaching anymore. I have always said that when a teacher doesn’t enjoy what they are doing, THAT is the time to stop teaching. So I did. I still do not regret that decision.
However, what I now realize is that these were all signs of depression, just unknown to me at the time. Fast forward to summer. No students, no grading, no lesson plans, NO PAPERWORK of any kind…supposed to be perfect for me. I was going to have 10 whole days without children, then head to camp for two GLORIOUS weeks. Again as a freeloader with no plans except to hang around the pool and do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted in the gorgeous grounds that surround camp. First problem, I am sending my son to Israel, but about a week prior to his departure the program called to say they had not yet received his medical forms nor the final payment – which of course was due in April. At that point, I also realized that I did not have the medical forms in for ANY of my children. Yes – MORE paperwork. I, of course ran around and did all the paperwork – rushed the people at the doctors office – of course it was NOT their fault – but it now became their problem to get it done ASAP due to my lack of doing paperwork in a timely manner. The day Josh gets to JFK to head to Israel, I get a call saying they STILL didn’t have the stuff they needed – I had had it faxed, I think there was a misunderstanding on my part. I think they wanted him to have it with him, I thought they just needed it to them so I faxed the medical and overnighted the money, (OF course THAT cost even more money) – which I had had all the time BTW. Just never got around to sending. So – everything got sorted out, Josh left for Israel, Molly and Emily off to their camps. Another symptom unknown to me at the time.
I did understand that something was not right and I did start to see Molly’s Psychiatrist. He suggested to increase the one med I was taking and to add another and to see him again in two weeks.
Summer had begun and the “laziness" set in. Lazed around the house – Larry worked almost every night. I didn’t “feel like" doing a damned thing – including paying the bills, which is my responsibility. I did however have two awful headaches of which I rarely get since WLS. I also was not sleeping at night. I think I may have still been posting at that point, I don’t remember when I stopped. I would fall asleep at a reasonable hour and then be up for 2-3 hours in the middle of the night wide-awake – a VERY new and not pleasant experience for me. I attributed all of this to the change in medication. I went for my follow-up visit with the psychiatrist and advised him of all of this and he was most concerned regarding my headaches and told me to immediately stop both medications. He then put me on Valium. I did explain to him that I didn’t want to be a vegetable all day – isn’t that what Valium does? He advised me that this was what I needed to help with the anxiety he thought I was feeling. I felt it wasn’t the right medication, however, I also trust my doctors and know that I have my limitations. I am not a clinician and maybe I was wrong…nope – I was right. I napped two to three times a day. This is where it started to get real bad. I called the doctor after about two weeks of this – Again, another symptom, I didn’t call sooner when I realized that it was too much, his response to me was along the lines of you didn’t like the first meds so now what should I do? While I didn’t like what he had to say – he is still the professional. He said I should start cutting the Valium in half. So I did that, at the same time got the phone number of another psychiatrist that a WLS friend used and suggested.
At this point I am at camp, suppose to be in my element. The day we got there was the anniversary of my mother’s death. This is the 4th year and this was the worst! My sister and I don’t see eye to eye on the dates – she goes by the Hebrew Calendar and I go by our English calendar so – we couldn’t even have this together. Whatever, I am finding myself letting that part of my life go anyway…(See another symptom here…)
**As an aside as I sit here typing this I am amazed at how much I really did miss along the way.**
Anyway, I was up at camp, I offered to help out anyway I could. They found ways for me to help, I got no feedback, became frustrated and continued to help anyway. But something was missing. Camp just wasn’t what I needed it to be – very strange – camp has always been a place where I can just be and be happy being in that space. Wasn’t happening this year. It just wasn’t working for me – I came home twice. It was at this point I finally started to recognize that there might be some depression, bipolar things happening here. I came home the second time to attend Support Group. I NEEDED it for me this time. While I love being a support group leader and hope that I help those that have come after me – this time, I was the one in DESPERATE need of support. I came home early in the day – had planned to do the bills, and get my nails done which had not been done in over a month. In all the years I had been getting my nails done I have NEVER let them go that long. One was broken, one was completely off, (They are acrylic – don’t get all skeeved) and the rest were chipped and overgrown and just plain awful. My toes were worse, long, chipped and just ew. Again, probably not such a big deal to many, but I don’t let things like that get pushed back. I was speaking to one of the friends who I had not YET alienated….(ding ding ding – another symptom…..) and her response to me was – wow, you really ARE out of sorts, you never go without getting your nails done. It was in THAT moment that I realized that I was in deep trouble. Why it took my NOT getting my nails done to have me realize it I will never understand – it seems so shallow. Of course, I still did NOT get my nails done, nor did I do the bills, instead I ordered a double cheese mini-pizza and mozzarella sticks and cried. I then walked into support group – cried again, got a hug from Laureen and realized that I was with the people I needed to be with – I immediately felt at ease – It was like this was the magic pill that I needed. I found myself giggling, telling a bit of what I was feeling, still not all of it, I even was able to work through some argument a friend and I were having and that was fixed that night as well. I decided that if there were only a “support group pill" I could take daily – all would be perfect in my world. (Yes, I see the irony here – OH IS that pill…just didn’t see it then.)
Ok – fast forward to about a week and a half after camp ends and I spent the time crying and sitting on my ass and my amazing husband putting up with me and MAKING me shower and do things that I had no interest in doing which I normally would enjoy. At this point I do realize that this is full on depression. I had an appointment scheduled with the new psychiatrist and it couldn’t come fast enough. I’m telling you – even showering was a chore! There was one day that I did shower and then sat down for 20 minutes because I couldn’t even bear the thought of putting on makeup. I ended up wearing mascara only, put my hair in a headband and went out. I NEVER do that! It was just the best I could do that day. (Thank goodness for the tan I was able to get at camp!)
Finally it was time for me to get to the Psychiatrist – I was actually looking forward to something…Crazy as it was – still no make-up Larry came with me and made a list to talk with the doctor about – uh oh…that scared me just a little – like he was going to throw me under the bus or something. She was wonderful. She checked with me if I wanted him in there – I did, and if it was ok if she talked with him as well as me, it was. We talked for over 45 minutes about all my ups and downs and this awful place I was in now and without ANY hesitation, she diagnosed me as bipolar – and she looked very sweetly at me and said, “but you knew this already didn’t you?" Sigh, yes – I did. Last Tuesday night I started taking a medication called Seraquel. She advised me that there might be weight gain associated with this and that I may not under ANY cir****tance drink any alcohol. Could I do that? Well, I can…it will not be easy – but I was not really a drinker prior to WLS, I am pretty sure I can do this without too much difficulty. It will be a challenge at first as is everything, but, I asked Larry to stop drinking with me – I didn’t look him in the eye when I said it – but he agreed – can’t imagine what was going through his head at the time.
Thursday morning I didn’t get up until 11 AM. I don’t sleep that late, ever….I didn’t feel well. I got downstairs, sat on the sofa and asked the kids – who are all now home – to get me the thermometer – 102.4 or something crazy scary like that. Told Larry – one of the scarier side effects of Seraquel is a high fever – could be fatal – oh ****…Called the psychiatrist and Larry – the calm cool collected paramedic – rushed his wife with a potentially fatal reaction to Jeanes hospital where he knows people AND they have a bariatric unit so we felt reasonably comfortable that any WLS questions raised could be answered. After four VERY scary hours of blood work, urinalysis, chest x-rays and even a CT scan, It was determined I had a UTI. WHAT?!?!?!?!?! A UTI????? Are you freaking kidding me?!?!?! THIS is what had my blood pressure so high and Larry so alarmed. That is just nuts……I know UTI’s well. I had many in college. I know the symptoms and can combat them. I was having NO symptoms of a UTI. Wait a minute – Larry says to me, “didn’t you say that you thought you were fighting something near the end of camp?" Oh yea – that’s right. Then I thought back and about a week before camp I also had one symptom, and then there was the other symptom that I had before that…….uh oh….. I am starting to remember, when the first symptom came on about 6 weeks earlier – I had no desire to neither call the doctor nor give up sex. I know it sounds ridiculous, but being hypersexual is also very much a part of bipolar disorder…..oh goody – eye roll. I knew that if I called the doctor she would want to see me to get me a proper diagnoses and I COULD NOT get myself to do that – so I just upped my fluid intake, symptom went away in a few days and no one was the wiser. Same happened when the second symptom started about a week later, and same with the third and fourth symptom. They all came individually and I upped my fluids, thought I flushed it out of my system and moved on. Wow was I wrong. MAJOR UTI in my body now. 102.5 was the highest temp in the hospital.
I have just spent the last five days in bed with temps ranging from 100.8 – 102.8 for most of the time I was in bed. I would take Tylenol, sweat, freeze, and start all over every four hours. The depression actually made me sick. I could not deal with doing what I HAD to do and I became VERY sick and VERY scared. I really wasn’t sure why things were not working. I started to question everything. Was I going to die because I was too depressed to take care of myself? OMG. This was an actual thought in my head – did I just kill myself? I am happy to report that my temp has finally broken after the SECOND antibiotic as the first one didn’t work. And although I am VERY weak, I feel like I am not going to die. It was a real feeling. I have not actually said that to Larry – I did tell him I was scared – but the word die did not leave my mouth.
Depression is VERY real – and while I always knew it – I never experienced it. And I think, am pretty sure, that prior to WLS if I was depressed, I would eat and not think of it as depression. As that is not an option these days, I have no idea how to handle the depression part of this illness. At this point, I do have an initial appointment with a WLS therapist next week and will move forward from there. I will go back to the psychiatrist when I am strong enough to make the drive – hopefully the end of the week. I could have done even more damage to myself because of this depression.
I am putting this out here for several reasons. 1, I have NOT given up on OH. Give me time, I will come back as a regular…..I NEED you! 2, The moment you think something is wrong with your body that is new – seek professional help……I am sure someone had told me this and I was not willing to listen, but I need to say it anyway. And 3, It is cathartic for me to write it all down. There is more going on here some family drama with Larry’s sister, the ***** my own issues with my sister, the crazy one and my weight being up (Although not eating much for five days may be a good kick start to getting back on track!) I had to cancel a family trip to Knoebels because of all of this and some other things that I am now just too tired to even think about.
Please listen to your body and ANSWER it. I suffered because I didn’t and it was really scary and I am not all better yet. I miss you all and am sorry that I have ignored those of you that have helped me through so much the last two plus years! Yes – the alienation of others – yet another symptom……good news though – I think there is a light at the end of this very dark tunnel – I am hopeful that it is just bright enough, not too bright – the other end of this spectrum makes me not that pleasant either. I am truly looking for that happy medium where I like to be silly and flirty and bantery (Yes – I made up that word – I like it!) Where my bad jokes come from and where my students and friends and I can laugh together – I miss laughing…….Thanks for reading.
Most of you know that for much of the school year my moods were way up and down. It started to get really bad about 5 months ago. I think I probably mentioned on here that I felt I was having some issues with either ADD stuff or mild depression stuff. Well, the depression stuff is VERY real. And it got to be much more that just mild. Let me back up to the end of the school year. My principal reprimanded me twice this year after having an exemplary record for the prior ten years. He called me to the carpet for my lesson plans and my attendance. I also had issues at the Synagogue with paper work and for my sanity and for the sake of the kids, I decided to stop teaching the lower grades so I didn’t have to deal with that anymore. I had thought I was making the right steps for me so I thought nothing further than it was a lot of years teaching the lower grades, I was exhausted and I really didn’t enjoy teaching anymore. I have always said that when a teacher doesn’t enjoy what they are doing, THAT is the time to stop teaching. So I did. I still do not regret that decision.
However, what I now realize is that these were all signs of depression, just unknown to me at the time. Fast forward to summer. No students, no grading, no lesson plans, NO PAPERWORK of any kind…supposed to be perfect for me. I was going to have 10 whole days without children, then head to camp for two GLORIOUS weeks. Again as a freeloader with no plans except to hang around the pool and do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted in the gorgeous grounds that surround camp. First problem, I am sending my son to Israel, but about a week prior to his departure the program called to say they had not yet received his medical forms nor the final payment – which of course was due in April. At that point, I also realized that I did not have the medical forms in for ANY of my children. Yes – MORE paperwork. I, of course ran around and did all the paperwork – rushed the people at the doctors office – of course it was NOT their fault – but it now became their problem to get it done ASAP due to my lack of doing paperwork in a timely manner. The day Josh gets to JFK to head to Israel, I get a call saying they STILL didn’t have the stuff they needed – I had had it faxed, I think there was a misunderstanding on my part. I think they wanted him to have it with him, I thought they just needed it to them so I faxed the medical and overnighted the money, (OF course THAT cost even more money) – which I had had all the time BTW. Just never got around to sending. So – everything got sorted out, Josh left for Israel, Molly and Emily off to their camps. Another symptom unknown to me at the time.
I did understand that something was not right and I did start to see Molly’s Psychiatrist. He suggested to increase the one med I was taking and to add another and to see him again in two weeks.
Summer had begun and the “laziness" set in. Lazed around the house – Larry worked almost every night. I didn’t “feel like" doing a damned thing – including paying the bills, which is my responsibility. I did however have two awful headaches of which I rarely get since WLS. I also was not sleeping at night. I think I may have still been posting at that point, I don’t remember when I stopped. I would fall asleep at a reasonable hour and then be up for 2-3 hours in the middle of the night wide-awake – a VERY new and not pleasant experience for me. I attributed all of this to the change in medication. I went for my follow-up visit with the psychiatrist and advised him of all of this and he was most concerned regarding my headaches and told me to immediately stop both medications. He then put me on Valium. I did explain to him that I didn’t want to be a vegetable all day – isn’t that what Valium does? He advised me that this was what I needed to help with the anxiety he thought I was feeling. I felt it wasn’t the right medication, however, I also trust my doctors and know that I have my limitations. I am not a clinician and maybe I was wrong…nope – I was right. I napped two to three times a day. This is where it started to get real bad. I called the doctor after about two weeks of this – Again, another symptom, I didn’t call sooner when I realized that it was too much, his response to me was along the lines of you didn’t like the first meds so now what should I do? While I didn’t like what he had to say – he is still the professional. He said I should start cutting the Valium in half. So I did that, at the same time got the phone number of another psychiatrist that a WLS friend used and suggested.
At this point I am at camp, suppose to be in my element. The day we got there was the anniversary of my mother’s death. This is the 4th year and this was the worst! My sister and I don’t see eye to eye on the dates – she goes by the Hebrew Calendar and I go by our English calendar so – we couldn’t even have this together. Whatever, I am finding myself letting that part of my life go anyway…(See another symptom here…)
**As an aside as I sit here typing this I am amazed at how much I really did miss along the way.**
Anyway, I was up at camp, I offered to help out anyway I could. They found ways for me to help, I got no feedback, became frustrated and continued to help anyway. But something was missing. Camp just wasn’t what I needed it to be – very strange – camp has always been a place where I can just be and be happy being in that space. Wasn’t happening this year. It just wasn’t working for me – I came home twice. It was at this point I finally started to recognize that there might be some depression, bipolar things happening here. I came home the second time to attend Support Group. I NEEDED it for me this time. While I love being a support group leader and hope that I help those that have come after me – this time, I was the one in DESPERATE need of support. I came home early in the day – had planned to do the bills, and get my nails done which had not been done in over a month. In all the years I had been getting my nails done I have NEVER let them go that long. One was broken, one was completely off, (They are acrylic – don’t get all skeeved) and the rest were chipped and overgrown and just plain awful. My toes were worse, long, chipped and just ew. Again, probably not such a big deal to many, but I don’t let things like that get pushed back. I was speaking to one of the friends who I had not YET alienated….(ding ding ding – another symptom…..) and her response to me was – wow, you really ARE out of sorts, you never go without getting your nails done. It was in THAT moment that I realized that I was in deep trouble. Why it took my NOT getting my nails done to have me realize it I will never understand – it seems so shallow. Of course, I still did NOT get my nails done, nor did I do the bills, instead I ordered a double cheese mini-pizza and mozzarella sticks and cried. I then walked into support group – cried again, got a hug from Laureen and realized that I was with the people I needed to be with – I immediately felt at ease – It was like this was the magic pill that I needed. I found myself giggling, telling a bit of what I was feeling, still not all of it, I even was able to work through some argument a friend and I were having and that was fixed that night as well. I decided that if there were only a “support group pill" I could take daily – all would be perfect in my world. (Yes, I see the irony here – OH IS that pill…just didn’t see it then.)
Ok – fast forward to about a week and a half after camp ends and I spent the time crying and sitting on my ass and my amazing husband putting up with me and MAKING me shower and do things that I had no interest in doing which I normally would enjoy. At this point I do realize that this is full on depression. I had an appointment scheduled with the new psychiatrist and it couldn’t come fast enough. I’m telling you – even showering was a chore! There was one day that I did shower and then sat down for 20 minutes because I couldn’t even bear the thought of putting on makeup. I ended up wearing mascara only, put my hair in a headband and went out. I NEVER do that! It was just the best I could do that day. (Thank goodness for the tan I was able to get at camp!)
Finally it was time for me to get to the Psychiatrist – I was actually looking forward to something…Crazy as it was – still no make-up Larry came with me and made a list to talk with the doctor about – uh oh…that scared me just a little – like he was going to throw me under the bus or something. She was wonderful. She checked with me if I wanted him in there – I did, and if it was ok if she talked with him as well as me, it was. We talked for over 45 minutes about all my ups and downs and this awful place I was in now and without ANY hesitation, she diagnosed me as bipolar – and she looked very sweetly at me and said, “but you knew this already didn’t you?" Sigh, yes – I did. Last Tuesday night I started taking a medication called Seraquel. She advised me that there might be weight gain associated with this and that I may not under ANY cir****tance drink any alcohol. Could I do that? Well, I can…it will not be easy – but I was not really a drinker prior to WLS, I am pretty sure I can do this without too much difficulty. It will be a challenge at first as is everything, but, I asked Larry to stop drinking with me – I didn’t look him in the eye when I said it – but he agreed – can’t imagine what was going through his head at the time.
Thursday morning I didn’t get up until 11 AM. I don’t sleep that late, ever….I didn’t feel well. I got downstairs, sat on the sofa and asked the kids – who are all now home – to get me the thermometer – 102.4 or something crazy scary like that. Told Larry – one of the scarier side effects of Seraquel is a high fever – could be fatal – oh ****…Called the psychiatrist and Larry – the calm cool collected paramedic – rushed his wife with a potentially fatal reaction to Jeanes hospital where he knows people AND they have a bariatric unit so we felt reasonably comfortable that any WLS questions raised could be answered. After four VERY scary hours of blood work, urinalysis, chest x-rays and even a CT scan, It was determined I had a UTI. WHAT?!?!?!?!?! A UTI????? Are you freaking kidding me?!?!?! THIS is what had my blood pressure so high and Larry so alarmed. That is just nuts……I know UTI’s well. I had many in college. I know the symptoms and can combat them. I was having NO symptoms of a UTI. Wait a minute – Larry says to me, “didn’t you say that you thought you were fighting something near the end of camp?" Oh yea – that’s right. Then I thought back and about a week before camp I also had one symptom, and then there was the other symptom that I had before that…….uh oh….. I am starting to remember, when the first symptom came on about 6 weeks earlier – I had no desire to neither call the doctor nor give up sex. I know it sounds ridiculous, but being hypersexual is also very much a part of bipolar disorder…..oh goody – eye roll. I knew that if I called the doctor she would want to see me to get me a proper diagnoses and I COULD NOT get myself to do that – so I just upped my fluid intake, symptom went away in a few days and no one was the wiser. Same happened when the second symptom started about a week later, and same with the third and fourth symptom. They all came individually and I upped my fluids, thought I flushed it out of my system and moved on. Wow was I wrong. MAJOR UTI in my body now. 102.5 was the highest temp in the hospital.
I have just spent the last five days in bed with temps ranging from 100.8 – 102.8 for most of the time I was in bed. I would take Tylenol, sweat, freeze, and start all over every four hours. The depression actually made me sick. I could not deal with doing what I HAD to do and I became VERY sick and VERY scared. I really wasn’t sure why things were not working. I started to question everything. Was I going to die because I was too depressed to take care of myself? OMG. This was an actual thought in my head – did I just kill myself? I am happy to report that my temp has finally broken after the SECOND antibiotic as the first one didn’t work. And although I am VERY weak, I feel like I am not going to die. It was a real feeling. I have not actually said that to Larry – I did tell him I was scared – but the word die did not leave my mouth.
Depression is VERY real – and while I always knew it – I never experienced it. And I think, am pretty sure, that prior to WLS if I was depressed, I would eat and not think of it as depression. As that is not an option these days, I have no idea how to handle the depression part of this illness. At this point, I do have an initial appointment with a WLS therapist next week and will move forward from there. I will go back to the psychiatrist when I am strong enough to make the drive – hopefully the end of the week. I could have done even more damage to myself because of this depression.
I am putting this out here for several reasons. 1, I have NOT given up on OH. Give me time, I will come back as a regular…..I NEED you! 2, The moment you think something is wrong with your body that is new – seek professional help……I am sure someone had told me this and I was not willing to listen, but I need to say it anyway. And 3, It is cathartic for me to write it all down. There is more going on here some family drama with Larry’s sister, the ***** my own issues with my sister, the crazy one and my weight being up (Although not eating much for five days may be a good kick start to getting back on track!) I had to cancel a family trip to Knoebels because of all of this and some other things that I am now just too tired to even think about.
Please listen to your body and ANSWER it. I suffered because I didn’t and it was really scary and I am not all better yet. I miss you all and am sorry that I have ignored those of you that have helped me through so much the last two plus years! Yes – the alienation of others – yet another symptom……good news though – I think there is a light at the end of this very dark tunnel – I am hopeful that it is just bright enough, not too bright – the other end of this spectrum makes me not that pleasant either. I am truly looking for that happy medium where I like to be silly and flirty and bantery (Yes – I made up that word – I like it!) Where my bad jokes come from and where my students and friends and I can laugh together – I miss laughing…….Thanks for reading.
Steffi,
WOW! I knew you were struggling but I had no idea how much! I am so sorry you are going through this! Depression is NO joke! I had post-partum depression after Dee was born and I pretty much don't remember the first six months of her life because of it! The thoughts that go through your head are scary. There were many days I was crying on and off for no reason at all! I found it almost impossible to take care of her let alone myself!!
These are the times when you need us the most! Don't pull away although that is what most people do when they are depressed. I am here EVERYDAY and you know where I live and my phone number, call me or just stop by!! Come alone or bring the kids, we can go to the park, they can play we can talk!
Take care of yourself and we ARE here for YOU!!!
Love and hugs, Beth
WOW! I knew you were struggling but I had no idea how much! I am so sorry you are going through this! Depression is NO joke! I had post-partum depression after Dee was born and I pretty much don't remember the first six months of her life because of it! The thoughts that go through your head are scary. There were many days I was crying on and off for no reason at all! I found it almost impossible to take care of her let alone myself!!
These are the times when you need us the most! Don't pull away although that is what most people do when they are depressed. I am here EVERYDAY and you know where I live and my phone number, call me or just stop by!! Come alone or bring the kids, we can go to the park, they can play we can talk!
Take care of yourself and we ARE here for YOU!!!
Love and hugs, Beth
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I thank you and KNOW that you are there - as you said, pulling away is what depression does. It is nuts. I love being with people. I have had a realtively decent day until about a half hour ago - starting to feel blechy and down again, so I got on the computer and thought to myself, it was cathartic and helpful to write it down before, time to get on and respond to those that mean so much to me! Thanks for being there and understanding.
It has helped so much more than I ever thought it would!
Love you! :)
It has helped so much more than I ever thought it would!
Love you! :)
Dee and I could make a visit to help you feel better in person....let me know!
Love and hugs, Beth
Love and hugs, Beth
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Wow, Steff. You have really been going through some stuff. I am glad you shared this. It did bring tears to my eyes while I read this. Mental issues are so real and so scary. I can relate to much of what you wrote because I watch my sister struggle and she just doesn't seem to be able to get a grip on this even though she goes to therapists, psychiatrists and many different MDs.
You are so right about the listening to your body part. I mention this in support all the time. We are all individuals and all have different things going on. As humans it is natural to want to compare ourselves to others, but we must know thyself and tenderly take care of us. While you do this for yourself you may feel you are neglecting others but that is OK. As we all know, we can't fully be there for anyone else if we are not true to the self. Some words Laureen said last Saturday that I wrote down: Those that matter don't mind. Those that mind don't matter.
Take one day at a time. You are a strong, determined woman and you will Laugh Again.
Love, Arlene
It's funny, not ha ha funny, but funny, that there were tears in your eyes. I know my mom is a mess over how I have been feeling. I have not yet called her best friend, my aunt. I know she will cry when she finds out how sad I have been. She cries just because I "am" my mom. She is not a crazy woman she just misses her best friend and knows how I struggle with missing her myself. I have to find a way to talk with her and tell her why I have been so hard to get in touch with. See, now "I" am tearing up - its like a self fulfilling prophecy...oh well....at least these tears make sense, unlike those I shed "just because"......
I am hopeful that with the new psych that I really like and then meeting with the therapist next week, I will find myself on the TRUE road to doing the necessary work. Time will tell. It makes me scary to hear that your sister struggles even WHILE doing the right thing. Poor girl!
As for taking care of myself, I will push myself to do the right thing. I already know I HAVE to go back to my primary for some follow-up bloodwork. I have already made that appointment and WILL take care of me. Thanks for quoting Laureen - Those are wonderful words!
I am looking forward to laughing again. Hoping to have lunch with some girlfriends tomorrow. And have plans with a bunch of couples at the Journey concert Saturday night that I am also looking forward too!
Thanks for always understanding and knowing just how to talk to me! I appreciate all you have done for me! (Must be the Philly teacher thing going on as well...! :) )
I am hopeful that with the new psych that I really like and then meeting with the therapist next week, I will find myself on the TRUE road to doing the necessary work. Time will tell. It makes me scary to hear that your sister struggles even WHILE doing the right thing. Poor girl!
As for taking care of myself, I will push myself to do the right thing. I already know I HAVE to go back to my primary for some follow-up bloodwork. I have already made that appointment and WILL take care of me. Thanks for quoting Laureen - Those are wonderful words!
I am looking forward to laughing again. Hoping to have lunch with some girlfriends tomorrow. And have plans with a bunch of couples at the Journey concert Saturday night that I am also looking forward too!
Thanks for always understanding and knowing just how to talk to me! I appreciate all you have done for me! (Must be the Philly teacher thing going on as well...! :) )
Thanks for sharing. I was worried about you, but I also know that people have to figure things out on their own alot of the time. I am glad you have a new MD that is helping. I know how hard depression is. I have been there so bad that I stayed in my closet all day, ordered out food and never left the house, No showers nothing it is an awful place to be, It scares me and I never want to go back there. I am so sorry you have had to go through this.
Sigh, I know you were worried. You especially. You really know me! You have always been very open and honest about your emotions and I KNEW that I had to do that just couldn'd find it for a while. You are right, we all DO need to figure things out on our own. You and I have spoken before about my needing to see a therapist and I listened, just couldn't get myself to do even that work. I am now ready. I know now that I don't have a choice.
And as an aside, we are still coming to Lancaster this Sunday and want to see you at the LEAST on Sunday, probably late afternoon to early afternoon if at all possible. I will try to touch base either through text or fb.
Thanks for EVERYTHING Nicole. I am sure I will continue to call on you. Thanks for not giving up on me! :) I love you!!!!!!!!! (As does my entire family! Just wanted to put THAT out there too!) :)
And as an aside, we are still coming to Lancaster this Sunday and want to see you at the LEAST on Sunday, probably late afternoon to early afternoon if at all possible. I will try to touch base either through text or fb.
Thanks for EVERYTHING Nicole. I am sure I will continue to call on you. Thanks for not giving up on me! :) I love you!!!!!!!!! (As does my entire family! Just wanted to put THAT out there too!) :)
Steffi-- ((((BIG HUGS))) Wow what an emotional roller coaster you have been on this summer. I know how insidious depression can be--it really does sort of sneak up and then take over. I am glad you are feeling strong enough to share and get some of it out. We are all here for you! As a major depression sufferer myself one of the best things I can offer is for you to keep talking about what you are feeling--with family, therapists, support groups. You will make it through this and come out strong--You're Steffi!!!
If you need anything just let me know...
(((((HUGS))))
Much luv!
Laura
If you need anything just let me know...
(((((HUGS))))
Much luv!
Laura
Laura
"Two roads diverged in a wood..and I took the one less travelled by and that has made all the difference." -Robert Frost
Over 176+ lbs lost since surgery!! :-)
See my profile for my OH Blog!!
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